rosemary on the tv

Watching the VMAs is like having lots of stuff thrown at me from my own television screen. No wonder kids these days need high doses of Adderall to keep from exploding on the spot. Two hours of MTV and I feel like I’ve developed a case of arrhythmia.

But alas, I survived. I saw the Hunger Games sneak peek. And lucky for you, I captured a bit of priceless commentary from Aaron to accompany my own remarks.

Aaron’s take : “I think the VMAs are just mistakes interrupted by live performances.”

There seemed to be a flock of young girls whose names I had to Google. Though I’m not hip enough to know who most of them are, I gotta say – the girls had it last night. Lots of cute, short and sparkly at the VMAs that were right on point. I loved Selena Gomez in this short-in-the-front-long-in-the-back dress, and Demi Lovato’s tight, bright dress was not quite as exciting but totally appropriate.

Another cute, short and sparkly dress on Victoria Justice. When I googled her, I saw that she is on Nickelodeon, which means she’s young enough to get away with a dress this short. (Ahem…Gwyneth.)

If you can’t find something sparkly for the VMAs, leather is the best possible substitution. Paired with HOTTT snakeskin platforms and Zoe Saldana rocked it.

I actually really liked this Kaufman Franco dress on Kim K. It was simple in the front, but had a great sheer back. Just edgy and sparkly enough to be perfect for the VMAs, but still more mature than the younger girls’ dresses.

I had no idea Kelly Rowland was still kinda famous. I thought they kicked her out of Destiny’s Child or something? Anyway, she looked hot. Loved this dress.

Super hot emerald green dress on Maria Menounos. I really liked this dress, but thought the shoes looked like she was under arrest in the future.

I thought Britney Spears looked surprisingly good….down to the boots. I’m sorry, but a boot that height doesn’t look good on ANYONE. And the peep-toes, patent leather and platforms reminded me of a certain 90s catsuit, the crotch of which made me want to gouge my eyeballs out with spoons.

Aaron’s take : “Remember that time when God seemingly turned his back on you?”

Is that a chain or a leash Nikki Minaj is holding? Either way, I hope it’s short and her psychotherapist is on the other end.

This is an Alaia! And no, I’m not just quoting Clueless. Katie is wearing an Alaia. To the VMAs. And I kept hoping one of the numerous hoodlums in attendance would jump up, take her purse and make her lie on the dirty ground in it. Nothing against Azzedine Alaia, but this dress was so not right for the VMAs. She looks like she’s late for her Sunday school class.

Some might disagree, but this Cavalli number didn’t work for me. Miley seemed downright matronly compared to the other Disney birds. If she was going for edgy, it didn’t work. If she was going for mature, then she forgot where she was.

I love Adele, and she was one of the only people in attendance who upheld any degree of dignity all night. But I feel like she’s worn the same dress and hairdo every single time I’ve ever seen her. Her signature look is quickly turning into a uniform. See here, here and here.

Aaron’s take : “Adele’s boring. Me and Lula like to rock’n’roll. Right, Lula?”

Lula : “…….”

Pretty sure Beyonce announced Jay-Z’s 100th problem last night. She looked beautiful, but I thought this Lanvin number was a little too formal for the VMAs.

Dear Katy Perry: Lady Gaga called. She said to let you know her run as Annoying Popstar Who Tries Too Hard isn’t up yet.

All I have to say about this is that it could’ve been way WAY worse…

Like this.

On the Beibs : Hilarious that he won in the “Best Male” category because he is clearly devoid of masculinity.

On Selena : She wins for me for the whole night, I think. She changed a few times and each outfit was young, hot and VMA-appropriate. She hit the nail on the head with multiple outfits, when most people couldn’t get one right.

Aaron’s take : “They look like they love each other.”

Lady Gaga’s multiple appearances as her alter ego “Jo Calderone” were like a bad joke that went on way too long. Despite that, I thought this was actually the most normal I’ve ever seen her look. Anyone else notice when she fell and hurt herself during her performance?

Aaron’s take: “They should interrupt her with music. Have keyboard cat play her off the stage. Boo-boo-boo-boo. Boo-bah-boo-bah-boo.”