rosemary on the tv

Beige. The color of the evening. Not only was it the most popular dress color choice, I feel like it’s a perfect descriptor of the red carpet as well. Kinda boring, with just a handful of interesting looks. Also, a lot of weird half-updos.

Let’s jump right in, shall we? A few faves:

My “Best Dressed” of the evening goes to Natalie Portman in Lanvin. I love love LOVE the red and pink combo. That unexpected and modern color combination paired with the old Hollywood silhouette of the dress is a definite win.

Is it sad that a 13-year-old made the top of my list? Ariel Winter of Modern Family was perfect in her purple Dolce & Gabbana. She managed to look cute, sophisticated and age appropriate all at once. PERFECT dress for her.

I loved Emma Stone’s Lanvin dress the same way I loved Cate Blanchett’s Givenchy at last year’s Oscars. It’s different and offbeat but still sexy. Just like the gal wearin’ it.

Salma Hayek’s deco dress was amazing on her. On a less curvy woman, this dress might’ve been harsh or robotic. Not possible on Salma.

Claire Danes always looks great on the red carpet, and this year was no different. This J.Mendel dress was unexpected, modern and sexy without being showy.

Jenny Dewan. I don’t know who she is, but I want her dress. While the toga/goddess look isn’t anything new, I loved the green color and the fact that she paired it with periwinkle accessories.

Elle McPherson is 47 years old. That’s really all I have to say about that.

For someone who dated Marilyn Manson, Evan Rachel Wood continually turns out surprisingly sophisticated red carpet looks. The fish scale sequins that fade into feathers on this Gucci dress could’ve easily been a complete disaster, but she managed to look totally amazing in it.

Angie topped many a Best Dressed list today, but not for me. I love the dress. LOVE IT. But Angie already wavers on the verge of Disney villain – you know, beautiful but evil. The harsh lines of this dress, combined with the tight bun and red lipstick make me wonder where she’s hiding her dragon.

Another example of right dress, wrong person. I love this dress. It might’ve been one of my very favorites. But it is the same color as her skin and hair! She should be haunting an attic somewhere.

Shailene W???????’s dress was totally gorgeous. But it desperately needed something. Jewelry? Makeup? Better hair? A more famous person to wear it?

Charlize Theron looked gorgeous as usual, but a) I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her in this exact same outfit and b) blush pink and a sequin headband seem a little young for someone in their late thirties, no?

Rooney Mara. Cool name, cool dress. But I’ve had cuter ponytails on the treadmill.

***Now I’d like to award the following actresses Golden Globes for Best Performances in the “Pretty but Boring” category.***

Kate Winslet, Debra Messing, Freida Pinto, Tina Fey, Kate Beckinsale, Diane Lane, Octavia Spencer, Jessica Alba, Viola Davis and Sarah Hyland.

***And now for the other half.***

I want to rip that tutu off of Julianne Moore’s hips, Cinderella-style. Trust me, I’d’ve been doing her a favor.

I’m so conflicted about Diana Agron’s dress. I want to say I hate it, but I don’t. I think. I’m not sure? Let’s put it this way: if there were a “love it” bin and a “don’t love it” bin, I wouldn’t recycle this.

Sofia Vergara’s signature bombshell mermaid dresses are turning into a total snoozefest. Wear something different before I force myself to forget who you are.

The only thing Mila Kunis has to be mad about is that one of her boobs appeared white in every photo taken of her last night.

The periwinkle jacket is totally mother of the bride groom at David Bowie’s wedding. But Tilda Swinton don’t give a &^#$.

Madonna in Reem Acra. Close your eyes and imagine this dress without the mesh sleeves, cross necklace and single leather glove. Just strapless. Can you imagine it? Not bad, eh? Now open your eyes. It’s all still there. Sorry.

Love her, haaaaaaaate this. That dress is exactly the same color as her skin tone, and the sad hair and to-the-navel cut just accentuated her bad posture.

Another example of beige gone bad. The amazing necklace can’t even save this look.

Like Nicole Kidman, Amy Poehler had that tragic one-color-from-head-to-toe thing happening last night. But this makes up for it:

Yesssssssssssss! (PS – I finished Bossypants. GO READ IT RIGHT NOW.)

If Michelle Williams was able to convince one person she has the sex appeal of Marilyn Monroe, then she deserves every ounce of the Golden Globe she won last night. Bravo, Michelle! Excellent acting!

Julianna Margulies must have a stock pile of weird, futuristic Star Trek-y dresses. The only explanation : time travel.

Take a good look at this person. SHE is a fashion critic.

Little known fact : Zooey Deschanel got her start on You Can’t Do That on Television. That’s a lie. But she did have sideburns last night. And that’s weird.

What’s worse? A dress that’s as unflattering as humanly possible OR accidentally wearing a mullet to the Golden Globes? Jessica Chastain can’t decide.

Dresses that flatter plus-size figures do exist. I saw at least three of them on the red carpet last night. Melissa McCarthy, everyone loves you. But girl, get a stylist. And a new hairdresser.

Beach hair, sheer makeup and no jewelry? Weird boob cups and SUPER unflattering butt seams? C’mon girl.

A good rule of thumb : If Olivia Wilde already wore it, and you are not younger or hotter than she is, maybe don’t wear it. This whole look is so age-inappropriate, it’s almost creepy.

Ahh, the newly engaged Jessica Biel. Soon-to-be Mrs. Sexy Back. So do you want to make the obvious Miss Havisham joke or should I?

Hey girl. This is kinda awkward, but I feel like I need to let you know that you’re supposed to wear a dress over that petticoat. OMG, don’t be mad, ok? I’m just…like….being honest.

I’m going out on a limb here, but I’ve decided that unless your date is picking you up in his mom’s Corolla, giving you a crappy corsage and treating you to Olive Garden before the prom, a ball-gown silhouette is probably not an appropriate look for where you’re going. That being said….

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Piper Perabo totally failed. And that, friends, takes us to my “worst dressed” of the evening:

I’ve said in the past that Lea Michele always looks fantastic on the red carpet. Which officially makes me unqualified to write fashion recaps and post them on the internet. HEINOUS.

And that’s my take. What about you? Leave a comment and tell me what you loved, and more importantly, what you hated.