Golden Globes 2013 or “Events Just Before and After Jodie Foster Came Out”

Surprise, surprise…we finally got an awards show with the tiniest bit of self-awareness. I felt like the hosts, presenters and even some of the winners just made fun of awards shows the whole time and it…was…EXCELLENT. Highlights include:

  • The moment when Tina and Amy said Meryl Streep couldn’t be there because she has the flu, “and we hear she’s great in it.”
  • Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell pretending to have watched the Best Comedy/Musical nominees (video below)
  • Jennifer Lawrence exclaiming “I beat Meryl!” then thanking Harvey Weinstein for “killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here.”
  • Glenn Close’s drunk face

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Even Sacha Baron Cohen seemed somewhat funny and likable…but that might just be because Mel Gibson was there. At first, I thought maybe the HFPA got a little desperate to fill seats. Then, I realized it was just one of those situations where Jodie Foster got a plus one and showed up to the party with that guy everyone hates. Awkward

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Maybe it was all a ploy for all of Hollywood to get him in a room and stage an intervention.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

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First and foremost, can I get a “YOWZA!” for my girls Tina and Amy? I’ve been saying for years* that Tina should be hosting these dulled-out awards shows. CLEARLY, the Fates finally listened to my cries. And awarded me for good behavior by pairing her up with Amy. I loved Amy’s cutie-pie tuxedo on the red carpet, but was only so-so about Tina’s black and white dress, merely because the weird length veered more on the side of Sunday school than chic. But boy did she pull out all the stops with this floor length number later in the show. If Tina looks this hot at 42 years old, then I better start workin’ on my night cheese.

*I said it once, during the Oscars last year.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Anne Hathaway was a favorite of the evening. Her simple, white Chanel was so timeless and chic, and her hair and makeup were flawless. Girl can rock that pixie. Will people still talk about this look 10 years from now? Maybe not. But even red carpet bloggers OF THE FUTURE won’t be able to deny how gorgeous she is here.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Michelle Dockery’s look was another favorite. She looks flawless in this super-flattering gold and white dress. I loved her wavy short hair and the touch of green in her emerald ring. Let’s hear it for the pale girls with dark hair and doe eyes! They win! The rest of you can go home and start applying sun screen.

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Jennifer Garner looked totally fab in an understated, this-is-not-my-night sorta way. I’ve always kinda hated Jennifer Garner and her style. Let’s face it. She was born to be in that movie where she played a 13 year old trapped in a 30-something’s body…and nothing else. So the fact that she showed up looking like a grown up, and I can admit that she looked totally gorgeous means that we’ve both matured.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Claire Danes looked great, but Claire Danes always looks great so it’s almost not even newsworthy anymore. I’m actually bored by how hot Claire Danes is.

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And while we’re talking about red dresses, Naomi Watts looked super classy and beautiful.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

I loved this light blue number on Rosario Dawson. I read somewhere that it was obscenely tight in person, but I can’t tell from the photos so she gets a pass.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

If my night cheese serves me well, I’ll look like Helen Mirren one day. Meowzers! (See how I brought that full circle?)

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A lot of people are calling this look “very French” but, unfortunately,  I am “very American” so my default setting is MORE MORE MORE. I love the dress, but her hair and lack of jewelry just make it look as though she’s wrapped in a towel at a hotel spa.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Kate Hudson looked like a beautiful princess……..who was being held captive as the sexy slave to an evil sorcerer. Do I spy a chain hooked to that thing around her throat?

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Red Solo Cup, Jennifer Lawrence fills you up. I’m seriously conflicted about this dress. Pros: 1) not a beige fishtail, 2) is a great color and 3) makes her waist looks tiny. Cons: 1) boob cups.

17 Reasons Why Jennifer Lawrence Won The Golden Globes

By the way, is Jennifer wearing the same belt as Marion Cotillard? Aren’t they both wearing Dior? Is someone getting fired at Dior today?

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

This dress was sexy and flattering on her, and I know that funny, snarky Kristen isn’t going to show up in some dumb frou-frou pink monstrosity, but I always feel like there’s something lacking from her red carpet looks. At least she ventured out of her usual color wheel: nude, ecru, bisque and beige.

Her presenting speech with Will Ferrell makes up for it:

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Zooey, Zooey, Zooey. I’m pretty sure you’ve worn some version of this gown to all the awards shows ever. And while you never look bad per se, the look is about as tired as your adorkable character on New Girl. Wait – what? Who am I kidding? I love that show. RETRACT.

But seriously, Zo-Desh, spice it up a little.

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Connie Britton’s dress was pretty/boring, but her hair was in full-on Tami Taylor mode last night, which means all is right in the world.

And now…let’s pause while the Beige Parade comes to town.

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70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Moving on…

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I give Lena Dunham props for trying (towalkinheels) and this was a VAST improvement from the Oscars, but it was still not a win for me. This felt like a little girl playing dress up in her mom’s closet. There’s a dress out there that is cool and edgy while still managing to be flattering on her. She just hasn’t found it yet.

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So…are sheer skirts still a thing? Were they ever a thing? Because they shouldn’t have been a thing. How I feel about sheer skirts:

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NOT IMPRESSED.

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Yeesh. Sarah Hyland looks like the trainwreck her Modern Family character is bound to become. Or a Real Housewife. Or a sad, sad combination of both. Cougar hair and even cougar-ier cleavage were an epic fail for this 22-year-old.

And now….the nominees for Best Actress Attempt at The Angelina Jolie Oscars Leg-Jut are…

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

…Eva Longoria for her role as “mourning wife” in the film Lincoln 2: After the Curtain Falls.

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…Rosie Huntington-Whiteley for her role as “Victoria’s Secret Model #4” in Who Invited You, Again?

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but the Golden Globe goes to…Halle Berry for her depiction of an aging Project Runway reject who hopes to propel herself into the poppin’ and lockin’ world of hip hop dance after a near death experience with  a pair of hedge clippers at a toga party  in Breakin’ 3: Electric Jubilee (in theaters Christmas Day!).

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Someone should tell Nicole Kidman that the seams in her human costume are showing. Allow me: 00011010010011110001101001100101101001010

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Whoopsie-daisy! Lucy Lui got tangled in an Anthropologie shower curtain on her way to the Golden Globes. Happens to the best of us, girlfriend. (Seriously though, if this print were on another cut, I probably wouldn’t hate it. But ballroom gowns make grown women look like prom queens, and THAT I hate.)

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Sienna Miller admitted on the red carpet that her dress was kinda insane, which takes all the pleasure out of making fun of her for it. So Sienna, you can just board that crazy train back to 1964 because I don’t have anything else to say to you.

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Jessica Chastain was a winner of trophies last night but a loser of fashion. I’d say she’s campaigning hard for Worst Red Carpet Dresser of ALL TIME (see hereherehere and here), but I know she is capable of more (here). This isn’t more. I’ve never seen a more ill-fitting dress! And the hair and makeup are just as bad. Jessica, meet Eyebrow Pencil. Eyebrow Pencil, Jessica.

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Glad Guiliana could get away from the brothel long enough to make an appearance.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

And in a DESPERATE attempt to remind Ben Affleck what he’s missing, J-Lo showed up wearing little more than some hot glue and a doily. Yeah, girl. That’ll show him.

Those be my thoughts!  Who were your favorites? Least favorites?

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4 Responses to “Golden Globes 2013 or “Events Just Before and After Jodie Foster Came Out””


  1. 1 Katie Hahn January 15, 2013 at 7:05 am

    As Penny on Happy Endings would say, this recap is aMAHzing. I always look forward these!!! Lucy Lui’s might be my favorite. The Beige Parade is also hilarious. You rock!

  2. 2 Katie Hahn January 15, 2013 at 7:10 am

    Favorites: Tina and Amy in their gowns at the beginning of the show.
    Least favorite: Jessica Chastain. Bless. Her. Heart.

  3. 3 Nicole Hunnicutt January 15, 2013 at 8:59 am

    Love your recap, girl! Best dressed (for me): Kate Hudson.

  4. 4 knics January 15, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    Freakin’ Brilliant!
    Someone should tell Nicole Kidman that the seams in her human costume are showing. Allow me: 00011010010011110001101001100101101001010

    RFLMAO!


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