rosemary on the tv

For awhile there, the Oscars tried to young it up, be hip, “get jiggy with it,” which backfired terribly. This year, they just quit trying altogether. There were all these weird performances from Chicago because it won Best Picture ten years ago??? I mean, ok. Whatever. I like Chicago as much as the next guy but, seriously, who cares?

And I’m assuming that choosing Seth McFarlane as their host was a tribute to something else that happened ten years ago, because that’s how long it’s been since he was relevant.

Even the red carpet was a snoozefest. Sometimes, I have a CLEAR favorite on the red carpet. But last night, none of the dresses really caught my attention (in a good way). As a matter of fact, I didn’t really know what my favorites were until I uploaded all the pictures for this post and started putting them in order from good to bad. And I was SHOCKED that this ended up at the top:

I’m pretty sure I made fun of Nancy O’Dell for wearing the same silhouette in turquoise at the Globes, but seriously, Naomi Watts looked beautiful! The dress is a little space agey, yes, but it’s not boring and is so flattering on her.

Geezus! Charlize! This dress was beautiful and might’ve been my top pick of the night had it not been quite so…safe. Though I definitely prefer it over her usual blush-pink-frou-frou dresses. And that haircut! So perfect! I’ve gotta move on before I start to hate myself.

Freaking finally, Jessica Chastain. You finally look like the gorgeous movie star you are, despite having a touch of that hair-skin-dress all-one-color thing happening.

I liked Jennifer Hudson’s red carpet dress well enough, though the blue shoes and accessories are kind of weird and clashy with the color of the dress. Her performance outfit, however, was a favorite:

Adele looked better than ever. She’s totally the cool girl that will teach you cuss words and how to smoke cigarettes in the girls’ bathroom. It would be a freaking BLAST.

I will commend Jennifer Aniston on wearing an exciting color, but she’s straddling the line into ballgown territory. Which is inappropriate both for her age and her hairdo.

My new nickname for you is Sneaky Sandra, because you almost had me convinced that this dress was fab. When in fact, it was a sheer-panel-cut-out-thingy dress in DISGUISE. For shame, Sandra!

I loved Reese’s hair and the color of this dress. But the black bits on the sides give her a Jessica Rabbit-esque silhouette. Plus, I’m pretty sure I’ve made fun of her for wearing a red version of this dress. Oh, yeah, I have.

Like most everyone on the planet, I want Jennifer Lawrence to be my best friend. And JLaw should want me to be her best friend. Because I could totally be that sassy BFF who tells her she is NOT leaving the house wearing the drapes. Don’t get me wrong! She looked gorgeous! But this dress is so not her (spoken like a true best friend/stalker).

Besides, me and my bestie JLaw know from slumber party experience that drunk + drapes =

Did you see Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman RUN to help her up? Excuse me while I go practice my Oscar acceptance speech leg break.

Haha…anywayz…..

Have you ever gotten all dressed up to go somewhere fancy then fell asleep on your couch while you were waiting to leave and when you woke up three hours later your hair’s all jacked and your dress is all mussed? Because Kerry Washington has.

Jane Fonda is 76 years old, but doesn’t look a day over 50. Then she raided the wardrobe department of the Golden Girls. And now she looks her age.

Everyone was freaking out about Helen Hunt wearing an H&M dress to the Oscars. Seems to me like she could’ve used the money she saved to buy an iron.

The color’s good. The styling is nice. Her hair is pretty and she and Ben had a sweet moment during his acceptance speech…unless her teary eyed look was from the discomfort of having to sit on someone’s tacky mesh Christmas decorations for 5 hours:

Seriously Jennifer. I wouldn’t put that on my Christmas tree. You shouldn’t put it on your backside.

Good luck landing the Joan Collins role in that remake of Dynasty, Halle.

Judging by the past couple of award shows (see here and here), I think Nancy O’Dell’s been drinking the chlorinated pool water again.

Phase 2 of Nicole Kidman’s Earth Mission X576SZ0 is to slowly turn into a clone of her husband for a country music takeover–CROSSOVER, I meant to say CROSSOVER.

I have a strict No Ballgowns After 30 rule. Actually, I have a strict No Ballgowns After 22 rule, but either way, Amy Adams is late to the debutante ball. AGAIN.

The tulle on this dress symbolizes Kristen’s angst, just spilling out of her everywhere.

This woman MAKES HER LIVING criticizing the outfits of others.

Pretty sure I won second runner up in the Beebe Miss Future Career and Community Leaders of America Beauty Pageant in 1998 in this exact same dress, only minus the COMPLETELY unfortunate chest darts.

When did Anne Hathaway become the Taylor Swift of the movie industry? I love Anne, but I’m kind of, like, embarrassed by it.

Ughhhhh. Melissa McCarthy, everyone loves you, and no one wants to seem like a jerk. And saying that you look terrible on the red carpet makes me feel like a jerk. So, please, spare me my own self-loathing and get a stylist.

  And I’ll leave you with a single quote from the always-perfect Adele: “Fanks!”