rosemary on the tv

Did you watch the MTV VMAs last night? No? Then you’re a better person than I. They sucked me in with the promise of an N’Sync reunion performance, and I spent the rest of the two hours looking something like this:

Confused, sad, creeped out and uncomfortable. I’m right there with you, RiRi. But the red carpet fashion didn’t disappoint. As per the usual, the VMA red carpet was 85% hot mess, but those who nailed it, nailed it. And those who failed succeeded in making us laugh/worry for the future of our country.

Even though her song/video “Come & Get It” gives me the uber-creeps, Selena Gomez was my favorite of the night. Some might disagree and think this look is over the top, but remember: She’s a 21 year old pop star at the VMAs. Which is the only time/place where this look is not only acceptable, but it kind of rules.

I also loved Ellie Goulding’s studded nude dress. Understated but cool, unlike 99% of the people in attendance.

VMA fashion done right. Coco Jones’ sequined blazer and mini dress was a winner.

Though her combo-muscle-tee-crop-top was way Cher Horowitz, I loved the skirt and Shailene is looking insanely fit. Probably because she’s  playing the lead in, like, all the movies right now, even though one time I made fun of her for not being very famous. JOKE’S ON YOU, ROSIE. JOKE’S ON YOU.

We get it, Danity Kane. You have all the legs.

Rita Ora started strong and finished just south of Muppet.

I’m awarding Taylor Swift with the RotTV Lifetime Achievement Award for Taking Yourself Too Seriously. She looked pretty but entirely too formal for the VMAs. And seriously, it’s time for an interwenchion. The ex-boyfriend bad mouthing is just beyond unattractive.

Runners up for most annoying people in attendance: Jaden and Willa Smith.

Ciara’s Givenchy dress vaguely resembles one of those skeleton body suits, if it were the skeleton of Rita Ora’s muppet.

Lady Gaga’s red carpet dress looked like she got tangled up in the visqueen walls of a cheap Halloween haunted house, but her attempts to bring Cat Breading back were more successful:

Moving on.

My first reaction to Katy Perry’s dress was: “Wow, that’s, like, the classiest thing she’s ever worn.” Which is actually really painful for me to admit because I have a deep and abiding hatred for Katy Perry.

Then this happened and all was how it should be.

I used to think Miley Cyrus was just annoying but now, she’s starting to upset me.

RECOMMENDED READING: Buzzfeed’s 15 Weirdest and Craziest Moments from Miley Cyrus’ MTV VMA Performance…you know, if you want to have GIF-format nightmares in which Beetlejuice violates Hannah Montana.

Nailed it.

And finally, let’s have a frank discussion about One Direction. Until last night, I hadn’t paid much (read: any) attention to 1D, but then I realized something: THEY ARE ALL SO ATTRACTIVE. Someone in the boy band manufacturing sector finally realized that the two ugly dudes that appeared in all boy bands pre-1D were completely and utterly unnecessary and replaced them with two more hot dudes. FREAKING GENIUS.

Considering that these were the boy bands of my generation, I feel a bit cheated:

Please note the guy in the bottom left corner. Was he just an enthusiastic N’Sync fan who happened to remember all those sweet moves 15 years later, or did Joey “Fat One” Fatone need a side stage coach?

All right, let me have it. Who’d you love? Who’d you hate? Which of you need another day to recover before you regain your ability to speak?