rosemary on the tv

You know that awkward moment when you go in to hug someone and you aren’t sure how to gauge the situation, so you end up doing a weird kinda-side-hug-face-turn-almost-cheek-kiss kind of hug? You know, like this:

If you could take that awkwardness, bottle it and sell it at Dillard’s, it’d be called Eau du Golden Globes. Because the whole night stunk of sweaty, nervous side hugs and that awkward moment when you have to squeeze your butt between two chairs while you’re trying to get to the stage to accept your award. I was forced to watch celebrities make the six mile trek from their seats to the stage, where they inevitably made a drunken, fumbling speech about how they didn’t prepare a speech.

Obviously, they didn’t expect to win anymore than the person who designed the seating chart expected them to. Thank God for Amy and Tina, who were like two beacons of sexy, hilarious light. I could’ve used much, much more of them throughout the evening.

Anyway, lots of crazy on stage, but a surprising amount of good dresses on the red carpet. LET’S DO THIS:

Nailed it. Lupita Nyong’o in Ralph Lauren was my favorite by far!

Listen up fives, a ten is walking down the red carpet. In case you were wondering what a movie star looks like.

Kate Beckinsale was also perfect. While Cate Blanchett is perfect in a makes-me-feel-good-about-humanity sort of way, Kate Beckinsale is perfect in a makes-me-hate-myself kind of way. Because seriously, her waist is smaller than her head.

More than half the time, Julie Bowen’s a hot mess, but I gotta give her props for always surprising me. That said, she finally nailed it with this red and purple dress. LOVE LOVE LOVE this color combo and the mix of textures on this dress.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh. Fine. Okay. I loved Taylor’s dress. There. I said it. Move on.

Amy Poehler wins the Golden Globes MVP award. It was definitely her night. Her dresses were killer, her hair was gorge, her jokes hilarious and she WON that Golden Globe. She won it good.

She sang a creepy song that I won’t hear again until the moments before I die, but Diane Keaton looks better in a tux than McConaughey and I totally want to be her. Like, in this moment, I actually wished for gray hair and bad vision.

I think Michelle Dockery always looks so classic and beautiful. I really wish this dress had been a different color, but she still looks gorgeous.

I could say without a shadow of a doubt that I loved Julia Delpy’s dress more than any of her movies if I cared enough to watch any of her movies.

I might be in the minority on this one, but I loved Sandra’s dress. It was unexpected and current and the peek of pink underneath is lovely, as is her pink lipstick. So there.

Also in the minority here, but Aubrey Plaza would have been absolutely perfect if not for her matchy-matchy shoes. SO close, girl. So close.

I’m still sort of on the fence about Elisabeth Moss’ dress. It seems sort of dark and gothic, and it definitely has that see-through skirt thing happening, which makes me want to Hulk Smash stuff. But I just kept thinking, “Wow, she looks really pretty.” So I guess if there was a “pretty” bin and an “ugly” bin, she’d be in the pretty bin.

Ah, the answer to all of life’s most puzzling queries!

Flamingos. I can’t not see flamingos. Thank god she changed out of it and into this very quickly:

Fey/Poehler 2016.

I’ve gotta give Amy props for the daring dress, and I dig the red on red, but did you see her hair? All it was missing was a nice set of butterfly clips.

Did anyone see the cape she was wearing when she arrived? Personally, I thought it made this look a thousand times cooler, but OH SNAP, there was a Red Cape-Off. Lupita vs. Amy. Lupita used her special moves and Seacrest was all “FINISH HER.” So Amy removed her cape.

The end.

Allison William’s dress was cool – classic and a little edgy. But I get kind of a harsh/uptight vibe from her and this dress only emphasized that. Especially with the slick straight hair and uncomfortable posture.

At first, I loved Emma Watson’s orange dress. THEN THIS HAPPENED:

Is it an apron? A hospital gown? But the craziest part is…I don’t hate it! Did she hit me with a confundus charm? NOT OKAY, HERMIONE.

While I love her bob haircut, Zosia Mamet looks like someone’s mom in this dress and hoop earrings. But I guess if I were forced to wear a head donut and peace-sign Snuggies at work every day, I’d probably want to keep things simple in my nightlife too.

It ain’t great, but it’s such a vast improvement for her that it makes me want to start a slow clap. A note to women everywhere: TINY BOOB CUPS ARE NEVER FLATTERING. Just, like, FYI, in case you were considering installing tiny boob cups on any of your clothes.

Every time I see Reese Witherspoon, I have to suppress the urge to yell in my brattiest, most childish voice, “BORRRRRRRING.” And I’m not just talking about her dress. Oh! Zing!

Amber Heard thought she was being soooo edgy, when in reality, these are all crimes of fashion that have been committed in the past. But at least she can hide weapons in her hair and use her dress as wrinkly satin sheets in the fashion prison cell she shares with Angelina Jolie’s leg.

Julia, we all have fat arm neuroses, but how many of us do you see wearing a white button-up under our formal gowns? Find a dress with sleeves girl. Ain’t no thang.

I used to complain about Sofia Vergara always wearing bombshell mermaid dresses, but now I think I just want to complain about Sofia Vergara. Because this isn’t a mermaid dress but she’s still annoying.

AND WITH THAT IMPOSSIBLY PERFECT SEGUE INTO MERMAID DRESSES, remember that time Ariel tried to make a dress out of a sail?

That’s what I immediately thought of when I saw J-Law. I’m over all the Dior dresses. They work for her about as well as a fork works as a hair comb.

Sarah Hyland’s young and still “figuring out who she is” which must explain why the last time I saw her on the red carpet she looked like a Real Housewife and now she looks like Frida Kahlo.

Somehow, between attending a high school prom, shopping for dresses at Pinky Punky and being a gypsy bride, Guiliana finds the time to graciously make fun of other people’s outfits.

If you can ever say that your pumps are cut from the same cloth as your crop top, then you’re doing it wrong.

With all the advances in dress-making and fashion technology, this dress is the equivalent of showing up in a beeper. A wrinkled beeper.

I am opposed to two things shown in this photo: 1) Hayden Panettiere and 2) slicking your hair straight back. And since I try to be OBJECTIVE and not let favoritism affect my fashion recaps, I’m going to say that my hatred of this look is 30% dress and 70% hair. Even though we all know it’s really a 60/10/30 split.

What happens when you leave your dress in the refrigerator for a week past its expiration date.

Heidi rings like a bell through the night and wouldn’t you love to love her? Takes to the sky like a bird in flight and FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WHO WILL BE HER LOVER?

I’ve always had an irrational fear of coming out of a bathroom with toilet paper hanging out of my pants, but thanks to Paula Patton, I now fear that the toilet paper will try to wrestle me to the ground like an anaconda.

Zoe was definitely worst dressed for me. She kept saying on the red carpet that Prabal Garung designed this dress just for her, which I think is like a kidnapping victim’s way of sending SOS signals with their eyes.

So that’s my take! NOW TELL ME YOURS! And as a reward for making it all the way to the end of this post, I’ll leave you with my favorite joke of the night: