So, I guess you heard that this little thing called The Oscars happened last night? Ellen hosted, which means people who are Too Cool said she sucks and people who Love Ellen said she was the greatest. I don’t luuurrrve Ellen, but I’m not, like, anti-Ellen, so I feel somewhere in between. Her bits were hilarious and she poked fun without being cruel, but sometimes she milked the jokes a little too long and missed her marks a few times.
Meanwhile, either everyone in Hollywood is illiterate, or the person controlling the teleprompter turned the font size down to tiny because everyone screwed up their lines. All night long. And even if they are illiterate or have bad eye sight – no excuses! You’re actors and they give you four lines. REHEARSE YOU IDIOTS.
Despite that, it somehow managed to be an epic evening. In fact, everything that happened was the Most Epic Thing to ever happen. For instance:
1. Benedict Cumberbatch photobombed U2 in the most epic photobomb of all time.
2. This pizza guy had the most epic night of work he’ll ever have.
Which will forever be a missed opportunity for Liza Minnelli, who didn’t quite make the cut:
4. John Travolta pronounced Idina Menzel’s name as Adele Dazeem in the Most Epic Line Flub of all time.
5. At the Vanity Fair after party, famed photog Mark Seliger set up what has to be the most epic photo booth of all time, and Instagrammed pics of celebrities all night.
For, like, the third time this season, Lupita Nyong’o wins the RotTV Best Dressed award. This dress is what Disney Princesses are made of. The color against her skin is beyond perfect, and even though it was a tad twee, I liked her headband too.
This Prada dress was made for twirling and wish granting and prince marrying. She was perfect, her speech was perfect, and I’m so glad she won!
Second place goes to Professor Meowmers, aka Kate Hudson, who was looking super duper movie star sexy in this Versace. I’m not normally a Versace fan, and this could’ve easily skewed TOO seventies disco, but Kate managed to keep things this side of classy.
Cate Blanchett, obviously. The only reason she is third on my list, as opposed to first, is because I almost felt like this dress was a little safe for her. Cate has done some really fashion forward things on the red carpet, and she almost always pulls them off in a way that few actresses can. I know last night was her night, everyone knew she’d win, so maybe she wanted to play it safe, but I think she could’ve gone big. She was gorgeous, yes, but I’ve seen this dress before.
Sandra was also Exquisite But Safe. Is that, like, a Best Actress Nominee thing? Regardless, this dress (in what I’m calling “deep space blue”) fit like a glove and her hair and makeup were perfect.
I loved this mod black and white look for Olivia Wilde. She has rocked being pregnant on the red carpet this season, though, it would probably be easy to do if you looked like Olivia Wilde.
Also, just take a moment to think about the fact that the DNA of these two people is mixing around inside her and will ultimately create a new race of human designed to make you feel bad about yourself.
Karen O’s look says, “Yeah, I look hot, but also like I’m cooler than all these people and don’t you forget it.”
Everyone thought Naomi Watts looked amazing, and while I agree, she looked lovely, her hair was way 90s and I couldn’t get past it. Oh, but hey, you know who else looked hot?
Uh, Calista Flockhart in an almost identical dress. As a matter of fact, Calista’s dress had a bit more interest, and I loved her emerald earrings and loose hair. A touch more dramatic makeup would’ve been nice on her, though.
I might be in the minority on this one, but I didn’t love Charlize’s look. Everyone said she looked amazing, but that’s because she’s freaking Charlize Theron. She’d look amazing in a Forever Lazy. I thought this dress was fine but nothing to write home about.
Jessica Biel was stunning in a dress by little known designer “Everyone’s Saying I’m Pregnant But Obviously I’m Not So Screw You Guys.”
I know I’ve been pretty vocal about the fact that I’m totally bored with J-Law’s string of J’Award Dior dresses this season, so I’m not going to bore myself or you guys any longer by commenting on her dress. What I WILL comment on, however, is how very Kim Bassinger From That One Scene in Basic Instinct her hair was last night. Did Regina George tell her she looked sexy with her hair pushed back? Because JENNIFER, you don’t look sexy with your hair pushed back.
Amy Adams caught the hip flap cooties from Jennifer Lawrence. Despite that, she didn’t look bad, and her pink earrings were a nice touch. HOWEVER, Amy has totally fab hair and she’s always pulling it back in tight, unflattering updos. I want to give her a noogie to mess up that shellacked situation she has going on.
Angie’s dress was somehow both matronly AND explicit and how she managed it is one of those secrets that she uses to add mystery to her persona. Is she sexy or motherly? A philanthropic saint or an evil witch who lures children to her woodland cottage for….dinner? Angie will never tell.
Julia’s last two red carpet catastrophes must have been a long con to trick us into thinking she looked fabulous at the Oscars, because my reaction to this look went just like this:
1. “Oh, pretty!”
2. “I mean…kinda pretty.”
3. “Ok. Nevermind. It’s a frumpy vest with a Cami Secret.”
But her hair and makeup WERE pretty, and it WAS an improvement? Meh. I can’t make myself care.
Poor Kerry Washington. Being pregnant on the red carpet is Tuff Stuff, but celebrities do it all the time. There were, like, five pregnant ladies in attendance last night that totally rocked their maternity couture. But Kerry showed up in a wrinkled, satin bed sheet held up by a paperclip.
Oh, Anna, I love you girl but this dress was a mess. It has a mamaw neckline, a bare midriff beaded panel?, a swoop thing, a slit with, like, flowy stuff. It’s like parts of this dress are fighting each other only no one is winning. Especially not you, girl.
Fun fact: Anna Kendrick changed out of that fugstrosity and into this sexy dress for the Vanity Fair Oscar Party. WHY OH WHY didn’t she just wear this all night?!
Whoopi doing her best Julia Roberts impression.
And finally, Liza Minnelli, whose entire life is a wardrobe malfunction.
YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.
Your turn! Who’d you love and who’d you hate?