rosemary on the tv

Before we get in too deep, there are a couple of things you need to know about last night’s Met Gala:

1) The theme was “Charles James: Beyond Fashion” – a celebration of the designer known for big, structured dresses. So I’ll just go ahead and check my bias against ball gowns at the door. A theme is a theme, after all, and I would hope that this theme was embraced a little more successfully than last year’s “punk” theme.

2) The attire was White Tie. If you’re unfamiliar with the rules, Black Tie means men wear tuxes and women wear formal gowns. Traditionally, formal meant floor-length. But more and more, women can get away with cocktail dresses at Black Tie events – fancy cocktail dresses, but cocktail dresses nonetheless. White Tie is a step up from that. It means men should, according to the rules, wear tails and a white bow tie, and women wear floor-length gowns. Them’s the rules!

3) HOWEVS, the Met Gala is the biggest fashion event of the year and rules will always be broken. But last night – the rules weren’t just broken. They were ripped to shreds and Hollywood spit on their weeping remains.

Because we’re working with a theme here, and because the Met Gala is all about BIG FASHION, this recap is a little more complicated than “Good” and “Bad.” I’m splitting things up into groups this go around, so stay with me!

The Best : Blake Lively

In case for ONE SECOND you thought you were winning at life, I present: Blake and Ryan. This is what movie stars look like, amiright ladies? I absolutely love the jewelry with this dress, but ultimately, her greatest accessory was her arm candy.

The Good : Hailee Steinfeld

What Hailee managed to do here was take a theme (ball gowns) and modernize it, and she absolutely succeeded. I love the peek of pink underneath and her fresh makeup and simple hair.

The Good : Charlize Theron

This look was flawless, and a modern take on what Charles James did, just like Hailee’s dress. I like to think that insane ear cuff is an ode to last year’s punk rock theme.

The Good : Karlie Kloss

Looking past the gloves for the sake of THEME here, this dress was gorgeous. The print was dramatic but not dizzying and she looked v. classic.

 The Good: Emmy Rossum

I might regret this in the morning, and I might’ve made fun of dresses like this in the past – but for some reason, I liked this on her. Maybe I’m embracing the spirit of the ball gown better than I thought I would!

The Good : Reese Witherspoon

I’m usually bored with Reese’s red carpet looks, but something about this was definitively not boring to me. The color? The unusual top? The perfect hair and lipstick? You know what, guys? I’m not going to over think it.

The Good Try : T-Swift

From the back, it was amazing. And then she turned around:

And it was like a wrinkled Easter dress with a sad neckline. Good try, T-Swift!

The Good Try : Kim K

This is such a vast improvement from the chintz wallpaper she wore to last year’s Met Gala that I almost wonder if Anna Wintour didn’t threaten to uninvite her if she didn’t show up looking Klassy. This was almost on my Good list. ALMOST. But the top and the hips had a little bit of a flouncy, droopy thing happening, like the dress didn’t fit her properly.

Right but Not Right Now : Emma Stone

Under any other circumstances, this would’ve been my favorite look of the evening. I thought Emma looked casual and fresh and so, so pretty. Would I have liked it better if the two parts of her dress were actually connected and she wasn’t showing an inch of midriff? Yes, but if you MUST show midriff – an inch is about the only way to do it chicly. Unfortch, this look was all wrong for this event.

Right but Not Right Now: Anne Hathaway

I mean, it’s not the best Anne Hathaway has ever looked, but it’s CERTAINLY not the worst.

Right but Not Right Now : Rihanna

I would have absolutely loved this without the bare midriff. Or even with the 1-inch midriff peek that Anne and Emma were sporting. It still would’ve been all wrong for this event but when it comes to Rihanna and dress codes, expectations are only so high.

Right but Not Right Now : Rachel McAdams

I use the word “Right” loosely here. Rachel looks pretty but boring, which usually deserves its own category on these red carpet fashion recaps – there’s usually a LOT of pretty but boring. But at the Met Gala? “Pretty but boring” equates to “Why’d you bother showing up?”

Crazy in a Good Way : Karolina Kurkova

You might disagree with me on this one, because I admit – it is way crazy. And when I first saw photos of her trying to, say, climb out of the car or walk through a doorway, this dress was even laughable. But on the red carpet? At an event honoring a designer famous for big dresses? At an ART MUSEUM? Suddenly, this dress became a work of fine art.

Crazy in a Good Way: Erykah Badu

So listen. There are literally two people on the planet who could pull off this look — oh, wait, Erykah Badu’s hat just ate Pharrell’s hat, so now I guess there’s only one person on the planet who could pull off this look.

Crazy in a Good Way: Janelle Monae

In a departure from her sig look, Janelle totally rocked this cape, and the styling was impeccable. Could a run-of-the-mill starlet have pulled it off? No. But that’s the thing about Crazy in a Good Way – you have to always be a little crazy to pull off crazy on the red carpet, just like Janelle and Erykah. You can’t be pretty but normal most of the time and try to suddenly get crazy for a red carpet event. Then, you don’t look cool, you just look….well, crazy.

And speaking of Crazy in a Bad Way, this category pretty much sums up ALL the rest of the people in attendance at last night’s Met Gala. A. Whole. Bunch. Of. Crazy.

::rubs hands together like a super villain::

Let’s do this!

 

Crazy in a Bad Way: Kirsten Dunst

Somewhere there’s a nerd that only has two wishes left.

Crazy in a Bad Way: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Maggie Gyllenhaal is totally that insane party girl you went to college with who had a kid and got really into clean eating and holistic facial scrubs and now she’s just a patronizing drag.

Crazy in a Bad Way : Kristen Stewart

Kristen looks like the popular mean girl in a John Hughes movie. This hodgepodge of Chanel dresses might’ve been okay without the sheer panel. Might’ve been okay, that is, for the MTV Movie Awards. But for a White Tie event? Nope.

 

Crazy in a Bad Way : Zoe Saldana

But on the upside, if she gets tired, she has that handy bean bag to relax on!

Crazy in a Bad Way: Kate Upton

Some idiot at Dolce & Gabbana : “Let’s do a passionate, Italian cougar-type look. La Dolce Vita! Il Positino! It’ll be so classic!”

Some other idiot at Dolce & Gabbana : “Passionate, Italian cougar-type? I know JUST the girl!!!”

 Crazy in a Bad Way : Beyonce

When I saw Beyonce’s dress from the front, I was sort of on board. Even though I’m not into the sheer skirt thing (and even though J-Law already rocked a veil at last year’s Met Gala) I could get behind it…until I ACTUALLY GOT BEHIND IT.

I don’t wanna get swarmed by the Beyhive for saying this, but seriously guys, the back of this dress is ridiculous. And I’m not just saying that out of butt envy (though I do have it). Three more inches would take this to miniskirt status and THAT would have been acceptable.

But Jay-Z looked perfect.

Crazy in a Bad Way : Sarah Jessica Parker

SJP’s look was a perfect mix of the two beauty pageant dresses I wore in my short-lived pageant career – opera gloves and bouffant included. It looks like her top half is a Disney villain that is trying to eat a Disney princess (her bottom half). And an Oscar de la Renta signature across the back?! REALLY?! Does this mean my 1990s Tommy Hilfiger knock-off t-shirts with the logo emblazoned across the chest are cool again?

No?

 The Crazy in a Bad Way : Katie Holmes

I would give anything – LITERALLY ANYTHING NAME IT – to pull Katie’s crazy hair half up into a yellow scrunchie and pour her tea from a pot with a British accent and make her carry a French candelabra down the red carpet.

Crazy in a Bad Way : The Olsen Twins

In all fairness, Ashley looks all right. In a crazy-Olsen kinda way. The more pressing question is whether they ARE or ARE NOT sucking in their cheeks.

 The Crazy in a Bad Way : Lupita Nyong’o

Lupita, Lupita. It’s a long, far fall from grace, but thank God you have a net to land in.

**Bah dum CHING!**

No but seriously she looks like a human cat toy.

Crazy in a Bad Way : Lena Dunham

Lena should just get “Crazy in a Bad Way” tattooed on the small of her back.

Crazy in a Bad Way : Neil Patrick Harris

Tweedledumb outfits AM I RIGHT?

Crazy in a Bad Way : Elizabeth Olsen

Elizabeth’s dress is so wrong for the Met Gala, someone should club her in the knees!

(Because her dress looks like an ice skating uniform….get it? Too soon?)

Crazy in a Bad Way : Brie Larson

Brie Larson got to design her own Prada outfit!

…

…

I hope everyone learned their lesson.

 

Crazy in a Bad Way : Michelle Williams

This dress is so offensively wrong for this event that I couldn’t even put Michelle in the Right but Not Right Now category. Also, it looks like eyes peeking out from her boobs and stomach and that creeps me out.

Crazy in a Bad Way : Shailene Woodley

Sewn from a curtain/duvet bedroom set straight from the Kohl’s sale* catalog.

*SALE, because no one would buy it the first time.

 Crazy in the MOST HILARIOUS POSSIBLE WAY : Sandra Lee

Cinderella, A Quinceañera Story

Coming to your local community theatre this summer!

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Okay your turn! There were SO MANY terrible looks, I couldn’t fit them all here. Tell me which ones you loved, which ones you hated and which ones made you LOL.