Archive for the 'Fashion Recaps' Category

Fashion Recap: 2013 MTV VMAs or “A Collection of Scenes You Can’t Unsee”

Did you watch the MTV VMAs last night? No? Then you’re a better person than I. They sucked me in with the promise of an N’Sync reunion performance, and I spent the rest of the two hours looking something like this:
While Rihanna and One Direction were like...
Confused, sad, creeped out and uncomfortable. I’m right there with you, RiRi. But the red carpet fashion didn’t disappoint. As per the usual, the VMA red carpet was 85% hot mess, but those who nailed it, nailed it. And those who failed succeeded in making us laugh/worry for the future of our country.


Even though her song/video “Come & Get It” gives me the uber-creeps, Selena Gomez was my favorite of the night. Some might disagree and think this look is over the top, but remember: She’s a 21 year old pop star at the VMAs. Which is the only time/place where this look is not only acceptable, but it kind of rules.


I also loved Ellie Goulding’s studded nude dress. Understated but cool, unlike 99% of the people in attendance.


VMA fashion done right. Coco Jones’ sequined blazer and mini dress was a winner.


Though her combo-muscle-tee-crop-top was way Cher Horowitz, I loved the skirt and Shailene is looking insanely fit. Probably because she’s  playing the lead in, like, all the movies right now, even though one time I made fun of her for not being very famous. JOKE’S ON YOU, ROSIE. JOKE’S ON YOU.


We get it, Danity Kane. You have all the legs.


Rita Ora started strong and finished just south of Muppet.


I’m awarding Taylor Swift with the RotTV Lifetime Achievement Award for Taking Yourself Too Seriously. She looked pretty but entirely too formal for the VMAs. And seriously, it’s time for an interwenchion. The ex-boyfriend bad mouthing is just beyond unattractive.


Runners up for most annoying people in attendance: Jaden and Willa Smith.


Ciara’s Givenchy dress vaguely resembles one of those skeleton body suits, if it were the skeleton of Rita Ora’s muppet.


Lady Gaga’s red carpet dress looked like she got tangled up in the visqueen walls of a cheap Halloween haunted house, but her attempts to bring Cat Breading back were more successful:

Moving on.


My first reaction to Katy Perry’s dress was: “Wow, that’s, like, the classiest thing she’s ever worn.” Which is actually really painful for me to admit because I have a deep and abiding hatred for Katy Perry.


Then this happened and all was how it should be.


I used to think Miley Cyrus was just annoying but now, she’s starting to upset me.


RECOMMENDED READING: Buzzfeed’s 15 Weirdest and Craziest Moments from Miley Cyrus’ MTV VMA Performance…you know, if you want to have GIF-format nightmares in which Beetlejuice violates Hannah Montana.


Nailed it.


And finally, let’s have a frank discussion about One Direction. Until last night, I hadn’t paid much (read: any) attention to 1D, but then I realized something: THEY ARE ALL SO ATTRACTIVE. Someone in the boy band manufacturing sector finally realized that the two ugly dudes that appeared in all boy bands pre-1D were completely and utterly unnecessary and replaced them with two more hot dudes. FREAKING GENIUS.

Considering that these were the boy bands of my generation, I feel a bit cheated:


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But don’t think I wasn’t having an inner freak out when this happened for a full fifteen seconds last night:
Please note the guy in the bottom left corner. Was he just an enthusiastic N’Sync fan who happened to remember all those sweet moves 15 years later, or did Joey “Fat One” Fatone need a side stage coach?
All right, let me have it. Who’d you love? Who’d you hate? Which of you need another day to recover before you regain your ability to speak?


Fashion Recap: The Met Gala gets Punk’d


For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Met Gala – or Costume Institute Gala – is the opening event for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s fashion exhibit at the Costume Institute. If the Oscars are THE AWARDS SHOW, then the Met Gala is THE FASHION EVENT. It’s the night Hollywood/New York royalty have got to bring it.

The theme was “Punk: Chaos to Couture” which is kind of awesome. What was NOT awesome was the way most of the people in attendance totally wussed out and tried to pass off a spiky cuff and lots of black eyeliner as punk. So tonight’s fashion winners and losers had to be judged on a completely different set of criteria, factoring in whether or not they embraced the challenge and were able to pull it off in a way that didn’t seem completely contrived. Any celebrity that showed up in an Oscar-worthy ball gown automatically got demoted.

Ready? GO!

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Sienna Miller was a winner for me last night. She managed to look 1) like herself, 2) chic and sophisticated, 3) of-the-moment and 4) punk.

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Only Rooney Mara could make white frilly lace seem kind of bad ass.

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Personally, I think Lauren Santo Domingo can do no wrong. So this Dolce gown with it’s ridiculous puffy sleeves, fishnet neck and spiked choker was a win for me.

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Here’s what was genius about this look: The dress isn’t punk, per se, but the hair and makeup make it feel punk. I dig it.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Spiked hair and full length fishnet. I feel dirty saying it, but Miley kinda brought it last night. It’s insane and ridiculous but it’s something.

Yes. Ginnifer Goodwin gets it. SHE GETS IT.
This is so insane and I love it. It’s like that scene in Legally Blonde where Reese shows up in the Playboy bunny outfit, only if the theme of the party had been Playboy Bunnies and everyone else was just lame.


Taylor was close, but I was rocking that same hairdo when “Bridge to Terabithia” was my favorite book.

sarah-jessica-parkerSpeaking of insane, a faux-hawk and tartan boots? I only have one question about this look…
Did SJP purposely flash her panties last night or was this a boot show gone way wrong?

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

January Jones was equal parts horrifying and amazing. Do I think she looks good? No. Do I think she looks punk? Yes.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

When the Met Gala says, “Anna, wear punk.” and Anna says, “Yeah, no.” it’s punk. But only when Anna does it.

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There’s a bit too much blue fabric happening here for my taste, but props for a belt that would literally kill anyone she hugs.

jennifer-lawrence The veil is more goth than punk and the dress is a near-exact replica of the one I wore to college formal in 2005, only infinitely more expensive. But JLaw always makes up for misguided fashion attempts with incredible GIFS:

 Let’s have a frank discussion about pants under dresses. Starting now:

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

I want to shield my eyes from three of the most beautiful women in Hollywood being RUINED by the insane idea that pants under a dress is ok. Discussion over.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Judging by her expression, I’d say Chloe and I share an opinion on turbans.


Everything about this is wrong for this event, and a lot of it is wrong for most events.


Elle Fanning wasn’t paying attention in history class.


SEERSUCKER, ZOOEY?!!??! REALLY??!!?!?!?! I’d rather you had worn Jess’s prom/virginity dress and done a Lisa Loeb musical interlude.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Heidi Klum loves punk so much, she wants to marry it. Like, right now. She’s ready.


The theme was “punk,” Uma. Not puke.


Possible places this carpool was headed when they took a wrong turn and ended up at the Met Gala:

a) The past

b) Medieval Times

c) Westeros

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Punk is as close as Kristen will ever get to attending an angst-themed party (one she should always leave with a crown and a sash). I mean, c’mon, girl. They really softballed this one in for you. This was the best you could do?

Also, your crotch looks like a fortune cookie.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Um. What?

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Unless “Kiss Me” is playing while Fredde Prinze Jr. takes you to the prom, this is not an acceptable look.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Nailed it.

nicole-richiePunk is dead. That’s what she was trying to say here, right?
Ugh. Plz stop.
That’s my take! Did you guys keep up with the Met Gala coverage? If so, who were your favorites/least favorites? Do you think I am totally insane for some of my choices? Are punks everywhere ripping out their mohawks in a frenzied rage?

Oscars 2013 or “The Night Anne’s Been Scrapbooking About Since 1982”

For awhile there, the Oscars tried to young it up, be hip, “get jiggy with it,” which backfired terribly. This year, they just quit trying altogether. There were all these weird performances from Chicago because it won Best Picture ten years ago??? I mean, ok. Whatever. I like Chicago as much as the next guy but, seriously, who cares?

And I’m assuming that choosing Seth McFarlane as their host was a tribute to something else that happened ten years ago, because that’s how long it’s been since he was relevant.

Even the red carpet was a snoozefest. Sometimes, I have a CLEAR favorite on the red carpet. But last night, none of the dresses really caught my attention (in a good way). As a matter of fact, I didn’t really know what my favorites were until I uploaded all the pictures for this post and started putting them in order from good to bad. And I was SHOCKED that this ended up at the top:

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I’m pretty sure I made fun of Nancy O’Dell for wearing the same silhouette in turquoise at the Globes, but seriously, Naomi Watts looked beautiful! The dress is a little space agey, yes, but it’s not boring and is so flattering on her.

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Geezus! Charlize! This dress was beautiful and might’ve been my top pick of the night had it not been quite so…safe. Though I definitely prefer it over her usual blush-pink-frou-frou dresses. And that haircut! So perfect! I’ve gotta move on before I start to hate myself.

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Freaking finally, Jessica Chastain. You finally look like the gorgeous movie star you are, despite having a touch of that hair-skin-dress all-one-color thing happening.

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I liked Jennifer Hudson’s red carpet dress well enough, though the blue shoes and accessories are kind of weird and clashy with the color of the dress. Her performance outfit, however, was a favorite:

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Adele looked better than ever. She’s totally the cool girl that will teach you cuss words and how to smoke cigarettes in the girls’ bathroom. It would be a freaking BLAST.


I will commend Jennifer Aniston on wearing an exciting color, but she’s straddling the line into ballgown territory. Which is inappropriate both for her age and her hairdo.

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My new nickname for you is Sneaky Sandra, because you almost had me convinced that this dress was fab. When in fact, it was a sheer-panel-cut-out-thingy dress in DISGUISE. For shame, Sandra!


I loved Reese’s hair and the color of this dress. But the black bits on the sides give her a Jessica Rabbit-esque silhouette. Plus, I’m pretty sure I’ve made fun of her for wearing a red version of this dress. Oh, yeah, I have.


Like most everyone on the planet, I want Jennifer Lawrence to be my best friend. And JLaw should want me to be her best friend. Because I could totally be that sassy BFF who tells her she is NOT leaving the house wearing the drapes. Don’t get me wrong! She looked gorgeous! But this dress is so not her (spoken like a true best friend/stalker).

Besides, me and my bestie JLaw know from slumber party experience that drunk + drapes =


Did you see Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman RUN to help her up? Excuse me while I go practice my Oscar acceptance speech leg break.

Oscars 2013 Hugh Jackman Bradley Cooper Catch Jennifer Lawrence's Fall


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Have you ever gotten all dressed up to go somewhere fancy then fell asleep on your couch while you were waiting to leave and when you woke up three hours later your hair’s all jacked and your dress is all mussed? Because Kerry Washington has.

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Jane Fonda is 76 years old, but doesn’t look a day over 50. Then she raided the wardrobe department of the Golden Girls. And now she looks her age.

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Everyone was freaking out about Helen Hunt wearing an H&M dress to the Oscars. Seems to me like she could’ve used the money she saved to buy an iron.

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The color’s good. The styling is nice. Her hair is pretty and she and Ben had a sweet moment during his acceptance speech…unless her teary eyed look was from the discomfort of having to sit on someone’s tacky mesh Christmas decorations for 5 hours:


Seriously Jennifer. I wouldn’t put that on my Christmas tree. You shouldn’t put it on your backside.

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Good luck landing the Joan Collins role in that remake of Dynasty, Halle.

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Judging by the past couple of award shows (see here and here), I think Nancy O’Dell’s been drinking the chlorinated pool water again.

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Phase 2 of Nicole Kidman’s Earth Mission X576SZ0 is to slowly turn into a clone of her husband for a country music takeover–CROSSOVER, I meant to say CROSSOVER.


I have a strict No Ballgowns After 30 rule. Actually, I have a strict No Ballgowns After 22 rule, but either way, Amy Adams is late to the debutante ball. AGAIN.

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The tulle on this dress symbolizes Kristen’s angst, just spilling out of her everywhere.

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This woman MAKES HER LIVING criticizing the outfits of others.

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Pretty sure I won second runner up in the Beebe Miss Future Career and Community Leaders of America Beauty Pageant in 1998 in this exact same dress, only minus the COMPLETELY unfortunate chest darts.

When did Anne Hathaway become the Taylor Swift of the movie industry? I love Anne, but I’m kind of, like, embarrassed by it.

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Ughhhhh. Melissa McCarthy, everyone loves you, and no one wants to seem like a jerk. And saying that you look terrible on the red carpet makes me feel like a jerk. So, please, spare me my own self-loathing and get a stylist.

And there you have it! Now your turn! Tell me what you loved and hated!
  And I’ll leave you with a single quote from the always-perfect Adele: “Fanks!”

2013 SAG Awards Fashion Recap or “Best Awards Show for Cheap, Cheap Jokes”

I’m not even going to pretend like I watched the SAG Awards last night because 1) it’s the SAG awards and 2) I was too busy being STABBED IN THE FEELINGS while watching Downton Abbey. I don’t want to talk about it. I do, however, want to talk about the hot mess that happened on the red carpet last night. Let us not waste time! I’ll begin with the looks I didn’t hate:


Favorite! Everything about this was perfect – the color, the styling, even the way Marion used the ancient art of French magic to keep her satin skirt from wrinkling.


Nina Dobrev looked amazing and I promise I’m not just saying that because I love Vampire Diaries. Because I don’t love Vampire Diaries! Who over the age of 17 loves Vampire Diaries??? Definitely not me! That’s crazy talk.


Admitting that Kelly Osbourne looks amazing on the red carpet feels like using a shopping cart at the liquor store. You know you shouldn’t, but sometimes the occasion just calls for it.


I feel like I should be making fun of Julie Bowen’s leather dress, but I actually like it. I think the conservative cut and styling keep it from being over-the-top. What are your thoughts on this?

Now let’s pause for the Navy Train choo choo!

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(Amanda Seyfriend wins, BTW.)


Ok, despite the fact that Nicole let her husband fix her hair for her, I actually really liked this dress.


I know I gave Claire Danes crap for always looking boringly hot on the red carpet, and she CLEARLY reads this blog because she def spiced things up a bit last night. That lipstick might’ve impressed Jordan Catalano, but (to quote another queen of the 90s) it don’t impress me much.



I’ll take “Things You Shouldn’t Wear to an Awards Ceremony Called SAG for $2000, Alex.”


There’s no reason that Jessica Chastain shouldn’t be the best dressed gal at all the awards shows, but not even Super Spanx can save this look from being way too tight. (Are Super Spanx a thing? Can they be?)


This might be the first time Ariel Winter isn’t at the top of my list. Unfortch, this look is a little too young. Like maybe chipmunks and birds should be fixing her hair and singing about a handsome prince.


I already made a cleavage joke about the SAG awards, didn’t I? Dang….moving on then.


Judging by the nips and crinkles in this dress,  I’m pretty sure the fabric came from a sale bin at JoAnn’s. It looks almost as cheap as that ombre dye job. Oh no she di’n’t! ::snaps in a Z formation::


I mean…we’re all thinking the same thing, right?


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This was Aaron’s genius idea.


This Lady From That Entertainment News Show usually plays it tastefully safe. But that was before the sludge from Fern Gully tried to strangle her and steal her body.


True story: Kaley Cuoco was rude to me once because I asked her how to spell her last name and also because I said it like this, “How do you spell your last name, Haley?” But I promise, that part was accidental. I also promise that wasn’t the reason why I LOLed when I saw this photo.


Rose was too busy matching her curls to the ruffles on her dress to notice THE ABSOLUTE HIDEOUSNESS OF HER DRESS.


C’MON ANNE! This dress is ill-fitting, unflattering and downright stupid. It is, without a doubt, your second worst wardrobe-related decision in recent memory. AND STAND UP STRAIGHT.

Honorable mentions to Amy and Tina, Naomi Watts and all the other ladies that looked pretty but neither good nor bad enough for me to make this post any longer than it is.

So tell me, did you watch the SAG awards or are you nursing a bleeding heart for Lady Sybil tonight?

Golden Globes 2013 or “Events Just Before and After Jodie Foster Came Out”

Surprise, surprise…we finally got an awards show with the tiniest bit of self-awareness. I felt like the hosts, presenters and even some of the winners just made fun of awards shows the whole time and it…was…EXCELLENT. Highlights include:

  • The moment when Tina and Amy said Meryl Streep couldn’t be there because she has the flu, “and we hear she’s great in it.”
  • Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell pretending to have watched the Best Comedy/Musical nominees (video below)
  • Jennifer Lawrence exclaiming “I beat Meryl!” then thanking Harvey Weinstein for “killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here.”
  • Glenn Close’s drunk face


Even Sacha Baron Cohen seemed somewhat funny and likable…but that might just be because Mel Gibson was there. At first, I thought maybe the HFPA got a little desperate to fill seats. Then, I realized it was just one of those situations where Jodie Foster got a plus one and showed up to the party with that guy everyone hates. Awkward


Maybe it was all a ploy for all of Hollywood to get him in a room and stage an intervention.

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First and foremost, can I get a “YOWZA!” for my girls Tina and Amy? I’ve been saying for years* that Tina should be hosting these dulled-out awards shows. CLEARLY, the Fates finally listened to my cries. And awarded me for good behavior by pairing her up with Amy. I loved Amy’s cutie-pie tuxedo on the red carpet, but was only so-so about Tina’s black and white dress, merely because the weird length veered more on the side of Sunday school than chic. But boy did she pull out all the stops with this floor length number later in the show. If Tina looks this hot at 42 years old, then I better start workin’ on my night cheese.

*I said it once, during the Oscars last year.

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Anne Hathaway was a favorite of the evening. Her simple, white Chanel was so timeless and chic, and her hair and makeup were flawless. Girl can rock that pixie. Will people still talk about this look 10 years from now? Maybe not. But even red carpet bloggers OF THE FUTURE won’t be able to deny how gorgeous she is here.

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Michelle Dockery’s look was another favorite. She looks flawless in this super-flattering gold and white dress. I loved her wavy short hair and the touch of green in her emerald ring. Let’s hear it for the pale girls with dark hair and doe eyes! They win! The rest of you can go home and start applying sun screen.


Jennifer Garner looked totally fab in an understated, this-is-not-my-night sorta way. I’ve always kinda hated Jennifer Garner and her style. Let’s face it. She was born to be in that movie where she played a 13 year old trapped in a 30-something’s body…and nothing else. So the fact that she showed up looking like a grown up, and I can admit that she looked totally gorgeous means that we’ve both matured.

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Claire Danes looked great, but Claire Danes always looks great so it’s almost not even newsworthy anymore. I’m actually bored by how hot Claire Danes is.

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And while we’re talking about red dresses, Naomi Watts looked super classy and beautiful.

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I loved this light blue number on Rosario Dawson. I read somewhere that it was obscenely tight in person, but I can’t tell from the photos so she gets a pass.

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If my night cheese serves me well, I’ll look like Helen Mirren one day. Meowzers! (See how I brought that full circle?)


A lot of people are calling this look “very French” but, unfortunately,  I am “very American” so my default setting is MORE MORE MORE. I love the dress, but her hair and lack of jewelry just make it look as though she’s wrapped in a towel at a hotel spa.

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Kate Hudson looked like a beautiful princess……..who was being held captive as the sexy slave to an evil sorcerer. Do I spy a chain hooked to that thing around her throat?

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Red Solo Cup, Jennifer Lawrence fills you up. I’m seriously conflicted about this dress. Pros: 1) not a beige fishtail, 2) is a great color and 3) makes her waist looks tiny. Cons: 1) boob cups.

17 Reasons Why Jennifer Lawrence Won The Golden Globes

By the way, is Jennifer wearing the same belt as Marion Cotillard? Aren’t they both wearing Dior? Is someone getting fired at Dior today?

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This dress was sexy and flattering on her, and I know that funny, snarky Kristen isn’t going to show up in some dumb frou-frou pink monstrosity, but I always feel like there’s something lacking from her red carpet looks. At least she ventured out of her usual color wheel: nude, ecru, bisque and beige.

Her presenting speech with Will Ferrell makes up for it:

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Zooey, Zooey, Zooey. I’m pretty sure you’ve worn some version of this gown to all the awards shows ever. And while you never look bad per se, the look is about as tired as your adorkable character on New Girl. Wait – what? Who am I kidding? I love that show. RETRACT.

But seriously, Zo-Desh, spice it up a little.


Connie Britton’s dress was pretty/boring, but her hair was in full-on Tami Taylor mode last night, which means all is right in the world.

And now…let’s pause while the Beige Parade comes to town.

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Moving on…

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I give Lena Dunham props for trying (towalkinheels) and this was a VAST improvement from the Oscars, but it was still not a win for me. This felt like a little girl playing dress up in her mom’s closet. There’s a dress out there that is cool and edgy while still managing to be flattering on her. She just hasn’t found it yet.

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So…are sheer skirts still a thing? Were they ever a thing? Because they shouldn’t have been a thing. How I feel about sheer skirts:



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Yeesh. Sarah Hyland looks like the trainwreck her Modern Family character is bound to become. Or a Real Housewife. Or a sad, sad combination of both. Cougar hair and even cougar-ier cleavage were an epic fail for this 22-year-old.

And now….the nominees for Best Actress Attempt at The Angelina Jolie Oscars Leg-Jut are…

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…Eva Longoria for her role as “mourning wife” in the film Lincoln 2: After the Curtain Falls.

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…Rosie Huntington-Whiteley for her role as “Victoria’s Secret Model #4” in Who Invited You, Again?

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but the Golden Globe goes to…Halle Berry for her depiction of an aging Project Runway reject who hopes to propel herself into the poppin’ and lockin’ world of hip hop dance after a near death experience with  a pair of hedge clippers at a toga party  in Breakin’ 3: Electric Jubilee (in theaters Christmas Day!).


Someone should tell Nicole Kidman that the seams in her human costume are showing. Allow me: 00011010010011110001101001100101101001010

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Whoopsie-daisy! Lucy Lui got tangled in an Anthropologie shower curtain on her way to the Golden Globes. Happens to the best of us, girlfriend. (Seriously though, if this print were on another cut, I probably wouldn’t hate it. But ballroom gowns make grown women look like prom queens, and THAT I hate.)


Sienna Miller admitted on the red carpet that her dress was kinda insane, which takes all the pleasure out of making fun of her for it. So Sienna, you can just board that crazy train back to 1964 because I don’t have anything else to say to you.

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Jessica Chastain was a winner of trophies last night but a loser of fashion. I’d say she’s campaigning hard for Worst Red Carpet Dresser of ALL TIME (see hereherehere and here), but I know she is capable of more (here). This isn’t more. I’ve never seen a more ill-fitting dress! And the hair and makeup are just as bad. Jessica, meet Eyebrow Pencil. Eyebrow Pencil, Jessica.

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Glad Guiliana could get away from the brothel long enough to make an appearance.

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And in a DESPERATE attempt to remind Ben Affleck what he’s missing, J-Lo showed up wearing little more than some hot glue and a doily. Yeah, girl. That’ll show him.

Those be my thoughts!  Who were your favorites? Least favorites?

Fashion Recap : Emmy time, Emmy wear.

Full disclosure: I didn’t even realize the Emmys were on last night until people started clogging my various social media feeds that Tracy Morgan had passed out on stage (Tricksters! All of you!). I’ve clearly fallen down on the job, and I’ll admit – my fashion critic muscles feel a bit rusty. It was a long, hot summer, y’all! Maybe I’m out of shape, or maybe I’m getting soft, because I gotta say: I was surprisingly pleased with last night’s red carpet looks.

Let’s ease back into awards season nicely, with a few of my favorites:

While Leslie Mann’s look might’ve been a bit casual for, say, the Oscars, it was one of my v. v. favorites at the Emmys. Actors are creative types, so why do I feel as though, more often than not, they lack the guts to be creative on the red carpet? Yellow was definitely the color of the evening and she wore yellow as it was meant to be worn: happily. Well played, Mann, well played.

Love. LOVE! Ginnifer Goodwin can always be counted on to take a fashion risk. Why does she always play frumpy, homely girls in movies? She is so fab and just oozes confidence in her offbeat red carpet choices, so she can always pull off things that a lesser woman couldn’t.

Ariel Winter, who plays the nerdy daughter on Modern Family, is becoming one of my red carpet favorites. She always looks great and age appropriate. And I’m so drooling over this Katharine Kidd gown with chic grey heels. Great hair and makeup too. Win win win win.

Meeeeooowww! Tina looked mighty sexy in Vivienne Westwood. Love this look on her. And I love that Tina has adopted a totally sophisticated red carpet style – so unexpected for the funny lady she is.

LOVED Julie Bowen’s bright yellow dress. It fit like a glove and the color was great on her. But I’m pretty sure I rolled out of bed with better hair this morning. Pretty sure.

Someone’s back on the market and pulling out all the stops. Seriously one of Amy Poehler’s best red carpet looks to date, but if this level hotness comes with the end of the best comedic couple in Hollywood, then please, Amy, let me cover you in this grandma shawl.

Jenna Malone gets my “Most Improved” award. I don’t know what it is about this girl, but she always looks like a greasy, dirty mess. Clearly, she cleaned up her act last night.

Kaley Cuoco’s sunny yellow dress was gorgeous but I thought the hair was a little weird. Not as weird, though, as that time I met her and said, “How do you spell your last name, Haley?” Awkward!

Kat Dennings. Pretty dress, pretty hair. Both totally overshadowed by…those other two things.

I like this dress, but the mechanic sequin pattern and stiffness in the skirt only add to my theory that Nicole Kidman is an alien in a human costume.

And we thought we were bored with Zooey Deschanel’s cutesy persona! I’ve never seen so much self-loathing in a red carpet photo. I like to think she’s gazing jealously at Tina Fey in this photo.

Now, we all know that no celebrity – no matter how much I love them – gets a red carpet pass here at Rosemary on the TV. Not even, dare I say, the one and only Tami Taylor. Connie, you know I love you girl (AND TIM RIGGINS!), but this dress is more than a little unflattering. And I think everyone can agree it’s your magnificent head of hair that has perpetually won you the title of “TV Mom Hottie Dead or Alive,” so you need to let that follicular freak flag fly, baby girl.

Clearly Michelle Dockery does not read my blog or she would know that you CAN NOT WEAR SATIN TO AWARDS SHOWS. I’ve been preachin’ this truth for years. Unless you live next door and can walk on over, you will be wrinkled when you arrive. Lady Mary should’ve consulted a second opinion because:

 Moving on…
 This dress isn’t terrible, but her matchy shoes and earrings combined with the feathered hair age her about twenty years and make her look like one of the Lawrence Welk Sisters (albeit the easy one).
I’m sorry, y’all, but I have to bust out Kanye Caps for this one. YO KRISTEN! IMMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT QUIT WEARING BEIGE. YOU ALWAYS WEAR BEIGE AND I’M SO OVER IT. YOU ARE A BEAM OF SUNSHINE NOT A SAD DOILY. DRESS LIKE IT. Stern words, soft heart. I love you, girl.
Don’t get me wrong. I love that Christina Hendricks is defying all stereotypes and showing the world that a curvy woman can make it in a waif-driven field. BUT THIS IS NEVER OK. Do you see what is happening in this photo? Right there? Look closely. There…yes, right there under the armpit. NOT OK. Christina, get those girls in check. Letting your boobs outshine you means you are no better than the too-skinny women who try to set some sort of standard for the rest of us.
Now…which one of you will catch me when I jump off this soap box?
You know what this is? This is the bridesmaid dress your most evil Bridezilla frenemy will make you wear and the hairdo her even more evil mother-in-law will insist on. AJudd, you crazy for this one.
As one of my best dressed choices from the Oscars, Glenn has taken quite a fall. Hope she didn’t break her hip. (You: “OMG NO SHE DI’N’T!!!!”)
Y’all. Y’ALL. Stop yelling at me. I know you love Lena Dunham and she’s totally the cool indie “it” girl in Hollywood right now and Girls is, like, so awesome…BUT NONE OF THAT MATTERS. Yes, a shiny, sophisticated Gucci number would be totally wrong on her. But she could’ve found something that was both different/unusual/alternative and still slightly flattering. Her head looks disproportionately small, the rest of her looks giantess and she has absolutely no shape in this.
And that brings us to my Worst Dressed of the evening:
Why would anyone who is capable of looking like this choose to go to an awards show looking like ^this^? The only explanation: She was caught in a Halloween windstorm at Hobby Lobby. You can do better, January. There’s no excuse for this.
And that’s my take! If you didn’t see someone on this list, it’s probably because I thought they looked pretty but forgettable. Not great, not terrible. Whatevs!
Who were your favorites? Least favorites?
Read previous fashion recaps here.

Fashion Recap : Oscars 2012 or “How Billy Got His Groove Back”

How terrible were the Oscars last night? Billy Crystal: epic fail. Red carpet coverage: epic fail. Recipients of major awards: epic fail (I’m sorry. But the reason we don’t make silent movies anymore is BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE TO. Technology was the biggest loser last night.)

Famous people in attendance: epic fail. Did anyone else notice whilst scouring the web for red carpet pics that there was a mysterious lack of famous people at last night’s show? WHERE WERE THEY? Hiding out inside Billy Crystal’s jowls, I bet.

Best dressed, hands down for me was Emma Stone in Giambattista Valli. I love everything about the dress, and her hair and makeup were flawless as well. Emma Stone has personality and she DRESSES with personality. And I like that. She also was the only presenter to make me really laugh throughout the entire show.

Glenn Close in Zac Posen. How hot does she look? It’s age appropriate but also a little edgy, a little classy, extremely flattering. The jacket over the dress was the perfect touch.

I loved Mila Jovovich’s dress, but it was really the hair and makeup that sealed the deal for me. Flawless.

This is how Angelina should look. Red lips, flowy hair – not too harsh. She looked great, despite looking a bit thin for a PREGNANT PERSON. Did you see her arms when she was presenting? Those are Lifetime movie arms, my friends.

And WHY did she keep sticking her leg out like that? It even prompted the dean from Community to make fun of her when he accepted his award. Someone crown that man Grand Supreme:

Someone on Twitter declared that Tina Fey should host next year’s Oscars. I retweeted them, so obvy, I agree. Anne Hathaway tried too hard, James Franco was high the whole time, and Billy Crystal only appeals to the Celebrex set. But Tina? She’d kill it. She looked SUPER classy and beautiful. And yes, I’m choosing to ignore the peplum.

For once, Michelle Williams wasn’t on my worst dressed list! I loved the color of this dress. I loved the top of this dress, the bottom of this dress and the back of this dress. But what is with the tutu? Julianne Moore did it at the Golden Globes, Michelle and Tina Fey did it at the Oscars. Lord help us all if this is the New Big Thing. Because the only thing “big” about it is how it makes your mid-section look.

Ok. Now THIS was exciting. Thank you, GP, for spicing things up a bit. It might not be to everyone’s tastes, but at least this Tom Ford dress and cape were DIFFERENT. And you didn’t even have to bare your midriff! I love it, but I watched Contagion last night, so please don’t touch me. Thanks girl.

You know, I honestly couldn’t tell you a single thing Viola Davis was in before “The Help.” But she has knocked this award’s season out of the park with a series of amazing dresses. She gets the Award Season MVP award, though this one had me a little nip-slip anxious.

Rose Byrne. Meow. Loved the Vivienne Westwood gown and bob haircut. Girl could smile a little bit though. She’s at the Oscars. For Bridesmaids. You know, that movie where Melissa McCarthy went #2 in a sink? Don’t take yourself too seriously, girlfriend.

I have no idea why Kate Mara was at the Oscars. I had to Google “girl from American Horror Story” just to figure out her name. {UPDATE: Turns out she’s Rooney Mara’s big sister, duh.} But that dress was gorgeous. She had beautiful hair and makeup too, if you can see past her undead pose. Hey girl, pretty sure your run as a baby-stealing-bitch-homewrecking ghost was up at the end of season one.

The fact that I liked Rooney Mara’s look last night kinda surprised me. I mean, the bangs are weird, yeah. But she’s playing up the goth-girl-who-sits-at-the-back-of-the-bus, Hollywood edition, and for that, she actually looks pretty. And I thought the gauzy white dress was a nice balance to her severe hair and makeup.

High five, Melissa McCarthy. This is such an improvement from your past red carpet looks. Even though Octavia Spencer beat her as Best Supporting Actress, I love love love that she was nominated for Bridesmaids. And that she hid a mini-bottle of vodka in her cleavage and took a shot onstage.

When I first saw Maya Rudolph on the red carpet I totally had a “wop wop wopppp” moment. The front of that dress was pretty boring and IMHO a little unflattering. The back, however, TOTALLY made up for the front.

THIS is how you dress a curvy figure. Octavia Spencer was gorgeous in this dress. I would have preferred a more exciting color than this…..non-color, but the cut and beading were flawless.

Everyone was going nuts for Penelope Cruz’s look. It was pretty yes. But I feel like if you’re going to throwback, you’ve got to include SOMETHING modern and edgy. The Grace Kelly hair, dress and jewelry were great, but this dress in an exciting color would’ve really pushed it over the top.

And with Natalie Portman, we move into the “Ok But Kinda Boring” segment of this recap. The vintage hair, vintage dress, kinda 80s looking necklace. Like Penelope, it needed something exciting.

Ok but Kinda Boring. I can’t get past how terrible Natalie’s hair and dress look in the background.

Everyone was raving about Jessica Chastain’s Alexander McQueen dress, but I wasn’t impressed. It looks like a tapestry that should be hanging on the wall in a Chinese restaurant. Gorgeous hair and a flattering cut, however, make this an overall improvement from her total Golden Globes fail.

I kinda feel sorry for Judy Greer. She’s in everything, but she always has to play the ugly girl. Or the mean girl. Or the mean, ugly best friend to the nice, pretty girl. So I gotta give her props for looking better than I’ve ever seen her last night.

 Anna Faris looked ok, but with Rose Byrne showing up looking way better in a similar dress and hairstyle, Anna’s look suddenly seemed costume-y and unflattering in comparison.

I’m going on strike and all my posters will say, “GOLD LAME. NOT OK.” But hey, even though he didn’t win, George still got to take home a big, shiny, gold thing.

Shailene W???????. Girlfriend. You are young and reasonably attractive. What is this? Lady Mary was showing more skin than this in 1919.

I feel bad ripping on a 14 (?) year old, but Sarah Hyland has a decent track record when it comes to red carpet attire. Therefore, she should know better than this puddle of messy silk. The only thing “youthful” about it is that it kinda looks like she wore it to prom. Then got drunk at the after-party in it. Then rolled off a stranger’s couch the next morning and came straight to the Oscars in it.

Nope. For someone who has dated both Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling, Sandra should know something about youthfulness. And attractiveness. This dress is neither. And no, that’s not bitter jealousy you hear in my voice. It’s COLD HARD TRUTH.


An evil, sick part of me likes that J.Lo is always failing on the runway. She has more power than any mortal from the block should, and giving us the ability to rip on her red carpet style is karma’s way of keeping her in check.

Worst dressed goes to Best Actress Meryl Streep. She has a reputation for looking terrible on the red carpet and last night was no different. Golden Girls Gone Grecian. Devereaux meets Dionysus. Everyone – repeat after me: GOLD LAME! NOT OK! GOLD LAME! NOT OK! GOLD LAME! NOT OK! GOLD LAME! NOT OK! GOLD LAME! NOT OK! GOLD LAME! NOT OK! GOLD LAME! NOT OK! GOLD LAME! NOT OK! GOLD LAME! NOT OK!

Ok. Your turn. Who’d you like? Who’d you hate? Who did you want to win?

Fashion Recap : The Beige-ish Golden Globes

Beige. The color of the evening. Not only was it the most popular dress color choice, I feel like it’s a perfect descriptor of the red carpet as well. Kinda boring, with just a handful of interesting looks. Also, a lot of weird half-updos.

Let’s jump right in, shall we? A few faves:

My “Best Dressed” of the evening goes to Natalie Portman in Lanvin. I love love LOVE the red and pink combo. That unexpected and modern color combination paired with the old Hollywood silhouette of the dress is a definite win.

Is it sad that a 13-year-old made the top of my list? Ariel Winter of Modern Family was perfect in her purple Dolce & Gabbana. She managed to look cute, sophisticated and age appropriate all at once. PERFECT dress for her.

I loved Emma Stone’s Lanvin dress the same way I loved Cate Blanchett’s Givenchy at last year’s Oscars. It’s different and offbeat but still sexy. Just like the gal wearin’ it.

Salma Hayek’s deco dress was amazing on her. On a less curvy woman, this dress might’ve been harsh or robotic. Not possible on Salma.

Claire Danes always looks great on the red carpet, and this year was no different. This J.Mendel dress was unexpected, modern and sexy without being showy.

Jenny Dewan. I don’t know who she is, but I want her dress. While the toga/goddess look isn’t anything new, I loved the green color and the fact that she paired it with periwinkle accessories.

Elle McPherson is 47 years old. That’s really all I have to say about that.

For someone who dated Marilyn Manson, Evan Rachel Wood continually turns out surprisingly sophisticated red carpet looks. The fish scale sequins that fade into feathers on this Gucci dress could’ve easily been a complete disaster, but she managed to look totally amazing in it.

Angie topped many a Best Dressed list today, but not for me. I love the dress. LOVE IT. But Angie already wavers on the verge of Disney villain – you know, beautiful but evil. The harsh lines of this dress, combined with the tight bun and red lipstick make me wonder where she’s hiding her dragon.

Another example of right dress, wrong person. I love this dress. It might’ve been one of my very favorites. But it is the same color as her skin and hair! She should be haunting an attic somewhere.

Shailene W???????’s dress was totally gorgeous. But it desperately needed something. Jewelry? Makeup? Better hair? A more famous person to wear it?

Charlize Theron looked gorgeous as usual, but a) I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her in this exact same outfit and b) blush pink and a sequin headband seem a little young for someone in their late thirties, no?

Rooney Mara. Cool name, cool dress. But I’ve had cuter ponytails on the treadmill.

***Now I’d like to award the following actresses Golden Globes for Best Performances in the “Pretty but Boring” category.***

Kate Winslet, Debra Messing, Freida Pinto, Tina Fey, Kate Beckinsale, Diane Lane, Octavia Spencer, Jessica Alba, Viola Davis and Sarah Hyland.

***And now for the other half.***

I want to rip that tutu off of Julianne Moore’s hips, Cinderella-style. Trust me, I’d’ve been doing her a favor.

I’m so conflicted about Diana Agron’s dress. I want to say I hate it, but I don’t. I think. I’m not sure? Let’s put it this way: if there were a “love it” bin and a “don’t love it” bin, I wouldn’t recycle this.

Sofia Vergara’s signature bombshell mermaid dresses are turning into a total snoozefest. Wear something different before I force myself to forget who you are.

The only thing Mila Kunis has to be mad about is that one of her boobs appeared white in every photo taken of her last night.

The periwinkle jacket is totally mother of the bride groom at David Bowie’s wedding. But Tilda Swinton don’t give a &^#$.

Madonna in Reem Acra. Close your eyes and imagine this dress without the mesh sleeves, cross necklace and single leather glove. Just strapless. Can you imagine it? Not bad, eh? Now open your eyes. It’s all still there. Sorry.

Love her, haaaaaaaate this. That dress is exactly the same color as her skin tone, and the sad hair and to-the-navel cut just accentuated her bad posture.

Another example of beige gone bad. The amazing necklace can’t even save this look.

Like Nicole Kidman, Amy Poehler had that tragic one-color-from-head-to-toe thing happening last night. But this makes up for it:

Yesssssssssssss! (PS – I finished Bossypants. GO READ IT RIGHT NOW.)

If Michelle Williams was able to convince one person she has the sex appeal of Marilyn Monroe, then she deserves every ounce of the Golden Globe she won last night. Bravo, Michelle! Excellent acting!

Julianna Margulies must have a stock pile of weird, futuristic Star Trek-y dresses. The only explanation : time travel.

Take a good look at this person. SHE is a fashion critic.

Little known fact : Zooey Deschanel got her start on You Can’t Do That on Television. That’s a lie. But she did have sideburns last night. And that’s weird.

What’s worse? A dress that’s as unflattering as humanly possible OR accidentally wearing a mullet to the Golden Globes? Jessica Chastain can’t decide.

Dresses that flatter plus-size figures do exist. I saw at least three of them on the red carpet last night. Melissa McCarthy, everyone loves you. But girl, get a stylist. And a new hairdresser.

Beach hair, sheer makeup and no jewelry? Weird boob cups and SUPER unflattering butt seams? C’mon girl.

A good rule of thumb : If Olivia Wilde already wore it, and you are not younger or hotter than she is, maybe don’t wear it. This whole look is so age-inappropriate, it’s almost creepy.

Ahh, the newly engaged Jessica Biel. Soon-to-be Mrs. Sexy Back. So do you want to make the obvious Miss Havisham joke or should I?

Hey girl. This is kinda awkward, but I feel like I need to let you know that you’re supposed to wear a dress over that petticoat. OMG, don’t be mad, ok? I’m just…like….being honest.

I’m going out on a limb here, but I’ve decided that unless your date is picking you up in his mom’s Corolla, giving you a crappy corsage and treating you to Olive Garden before the prom, a ball-gown silhouette is probably not an appropriate look for where you’re going. That being said….

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Piper Perabo totally failed. And that, friends, takes us to my “worst dressed” of the evening:

I’ve said in the past that Lea Michele always looks fantastic on the red carpet. Which officially makes me unqualified to write fashion recaps and post them on the internet. HEINOUS.

And that’s my take. What about you? Leave a comment and tell me what you loved, and more importantly, what you hated.

Fashion Recap : (G)Emmy Some Mo’! Actually…don’t.

Welllllllll, the Emmys. I only caught a bit of red carpet coverage and the last few awards, but from what I’ve seen scouring the internet combined with what I saw last night, it seemed like a bit of a fashion snoozefest. But let’s cut to the chase, shall we?

Red was, for lack of a less cliche phrase, the color of the evening. I could go through all the red dresses I saw, but eventually you can’t tell what’s real and what’s your eyes bleeding. So I broke it down into three categories: The Good, The Bad, The Boring.

Nina Dobrev, I don’t know who you are but that red dress KILLS it. Beautiful lines, classic with just a touch of edginess.

Kerry Washington, I also don’t know who you are, but that Zuhair Murad dress was such a nice surprise in a sea of red satin. Loved how it went sheer in some parts at the bottom.

And Lea Michele always looks great on the red carpet. I don’t know if she has a stylist or just really good taste, but you can’t lose with Marchesa. Though, I will say, she was downgraded a tad when I saw the back of the dress. It had a kinda weird drapey thing.

Wrinkled satin and completely tired styles and cuts. All of these look like they could’ve be purchased from a bridal/pageant shoppe (extra emphasis on the “pe”).

There was really nothing wrong with these three dresses. They fit nicely, they were tasteful. That’s really all I can say about them.

I liked that Glee hotties Mark Salling and Darren Criss, as well as comedienne Rachel Harris all rocked a nerd chic look with glasses. I don’t even know what Rachel Harris is up to these days. I just thought they were all cute. Way to not take yourself too seriously, folks!

I caught a glimpse of Anna Faris on the red carpet, but had to search really hard for a photo of her today. Not sure why, because I love love love this dress. So current. The pattern is graphic, but monochromatic colors and a simple cut keeps it from feeling busy. And rather than washing her out, the gold tones look great with her pretty skin and hair.

I thought Parks and Rec’s Aubrey Plaza looked beautiful! I’ll admit, I was kinda surprised she’s capable of looking so Old Hollywood glam, but she totally pulled it off.

Can’t believe Kelly Osbourne is on my best dressed list, but she totally 100% is. This J.Mendel dress is KILLER. Heart. Love.

British accent? Check. Perfect Elie Saab midnight blue gown? Check. John Krasinski hubby arm candy? Check. What’s not to hate? I mean…love?

(Side note: If I ever were to attend a red carpet event in the dress of my choice, it would be Elie Saab.)

Wow. The best Julia Stiles has looked in awhile. My only beef with this dress – my one TINY little beef – is that the little knot that hits in the middle of her stomach looks like an outie belly button. It weirds me out a little.

OK, when I first saw this look, I immediately classified Lena Headey as the stereotype drama club/goth freak from just about every teen movie ever. But the more I see it, the more I love it. It’s different in a thumbs up sort of way.

Christine Baranski hit it out of the park in age-appropriate navy. Loved the white clutch with this dress as well.

For being, like, 12, I thought Sarah Hyland looked perfect. I loved the coral color of this dress. I loved the pleats and I especially loved the subtle rock’n’roll-meets-Grecian detailing around the waist and in the shoes and arm cuff. High five, girlfriend.

Did I miss the Goop email that said bare midriffs were back in style? If so, ignorance is bliss. I love Gwyneth with her cookbooks and Glee cameos, and the rest of her looked beautiful, but this dress just didn’t work for me.

I think Jayma Mays got confused and thought she was supposed to come to the Emmys in character. Because this dress is so totally Emma Pilsbury. Precious. Barf-inducing precious. Barf-inducing-then-scrub-it-off-the-red-carpet-with-yellow-dish-gloves- and- a- toothbrush precious.

Three words : Dubs. Tee. Eff. Before last night, I would’ve said it was impossible to make Pashma Lakshmi look so sad. But now? I’m questioning bringing children into a world where this can exist. (Note: hyperbole)

I’ve never seen Diana Agron look anything but perfect on the runway. She is the sole reason why women tend to hate 22-year-olds. And yet, here she is looking totally matronly and crumpled. If you’ve learned anything from these fashion recaps, remember this: NEVER WEAR SATIN ON THE RED CARPET. You will be wrinkled and floppy before you even make it into the building.

I have been SO impressed with Christian Siriano since he left Project Runway. But when I read that THIS was Christian Siriano, I let out a sad sigh. The colors are good. The individual pieces of the dress were ok. But the length was all wrong. Maybe if the skirt was longer – to the floor in back and slightly raised in the front? Maybe I just don’t know anything about anything anymore.

There are two reasons why this dress didn’t work for Christina Hendricks. And I’ll give you a hint: The slit didn’t bother me. But then again, there are two reasons why Christina Hendricks continuously fails on the runway. Owning your bod is one thing, flaunting it so heavily that I forget what your face looks like is just…..distracting.

Dear Zooey Deschanel, we get it. You’re precious. We love you for it (or in spite of it – whichever). But in the wise words of M’Lynn Eatenton, you look like you’ve been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.

Disregard the three girls on the left. This isn’t about them. This is about Drew and what the HECK is going on with her dress?! A sleeveless turtleneck sweater, Drew? Really? Layered over a weird fuzzy mini skirt? REALLY DREW? I’m using all caps in the most patronizing voice possible and I HAVEN’T EVEN MADE IT TO THAT WEIRD SHEER THING THAT GOES TO THE FLOOR. There’s no sarcasm left in me to address your goofy smile and too tight ponytail, so I’ll just stop here.

I’ve loved Melissa McCarthy since the first time I met Sookie St. James. I understand that finding dresses for bigger body types can be hard (but not impossible, as Amber Riley has proved numerous times). But those shoulder pads hurt my heart. This was so unflattering on her. Thank goodness she won something, because she didn’t win this.

Beam her up, Scotty. Julianna Margulies is ready to accept her Emmy aboard the Starship Enterprise. Seriously. A hot glue gun during craft time and she’s got the perfect souvenir from Summer Camp 2093.

I want to laugh at how awful this dress is, but I can’t. It’s almost as un-funny as Olivia Munn. (OHHH ZING!)

Thanks to whoever this is for recognizing that bloggers need SOMEONE to make fun of the day after.

Funny thing: The less famous you are, the less comfortable I am making fun of you. So being credited as “Michael Pitt and guest” pretty much guarantees immunity. Let me just say this: If these two invited you to their after party, whatever you do, don’t go. Yikes.

And that’s my take. What did you think? Who was your favorite? Least favorite?

The MTV VMAs Fashion Recap : Goodbye, brain cells.

Watching the VMAs is like having lots of stuff thrown at me from my own television screen. No wonder kids these days need high doses of Adderall to keep from exploding on the spot. Two hours of MTV and I feel like I’ve developed a case of arrhythmia.

But alas, I survived. I saw the Hunger Games sneak peek. And lucky for you, I captured a bit of priceless commentary from Aaron to accompany my own remarks.

Aaron’s take : “I think the VMAs are just mistakes interrupted by live performances.”

There seemed to be a flock of young girls whose names I had to Google. Though I’m not hip enough to know who most of them are, I gotta say – the girls had it last night. Lots of cute, short and sparkly at the VMAs that were right on point. I loved Selena Gomez in this short-in-the-front-long-in-the-back dress, and Demi Lovato’s tight, bright dress was not quite as exciting but totally appropriate.

Another cute, short and sparkly dress on Victoria Justice. When I googled her, I saw that she is on Nickelodeon, which means she’s young enough to get away with a dress this short. (Ahem…Gwyneth.)

If you can’t find something sparkly for the VMAs, leather is the best possible substitution. Paired with HOTTT snakeskin platforms and Zoe Saldana rocked it.

I actually really liked this Kaufman Franco dress on Kim K. It was simple in the front, but had a great sheer back. Just edgy and sparkly enough to be perfect for the VMAs, but still more mature than the younger girls’ dresses.

I had no idea Kelly Rowland was still kinda famous. I thought they kicked her out of Destiny’s Child or something? Anyway, she looked hot. Loved this dress.

Super hot emerald green dress on Maria Menounos. I really liked this dress, but thought the shoes looked like she was under arrest in the future.

I thought Britney Spears looked surprisingly good….down to the boots. I’m sorry, but a boot that height doesn’t look good on ANYONE. And the peep-toes, patent leather and platforms reminded me of a certain 90s catsuit, the crotch of which made me want to gouge my eyeballs out with spoons.

Aaron’s take : “Remember that time when God seemingly turned his back on you?”

Is that a chain or a leash Nikki Minaj is holding? Either way, I hope it’s short and her psychotherapist is on the other end.

This is an Alaia! And no, I’m not just quoting Clueless. Katie is wearing an Alaia. To the VMAs. And I kept hoping one of the numerous hoodlums in attendance would jump up, take her purse and make her lie on the dirty ground in it. Nothing against Azzedine Alaia, but this dress was so not right for the VMAs. She looks like she’s late for her Sunday school class.

Some might disagree, but this Cavalli number didn’t work for me. Miley seemed downright matronly compared to the other Disney birds. If she was going for edgy, it didn’t work. If she was going for mature, then she forgot where she was.

I love Adele, and she was one of the only people in attendance who upheld any degree of dignity all night. But I feel like she’s worn the same dress and hairdo every single time I’ve ever seen her. Her signature look is quickly turning into a uniform. See here, here and here.

Aaron’s take : “Adele’s boring. Me and Lula like to rock’n’roll. Right, Lula?”

Lula : “…….”

Pretty sure Beyonce announced Jay-Z’s 100th problem last night. She looked beautiful, but I thought this Lanvin number was a little too formal for the VMAs.

Dear Katy Perry: Lady Gaga called. She said to let you know her run as Annoying Popstar Who Tries Too Hard isn’t up yet.

All I have to say about this is that it could’ve been way WAY worse…

Like this.

On the Beibs : Hilarious that he won in the “Best Male” category because he is clearly devoid of masculinity.

On Selena : She wins for me for the whole night, I think. She changed a few times and each outfit was young, hot and VMA-appropriate. She hit the nail on the head with multiple outfits, when most people couldn’t get one right.

Aaron’s take : “They look like they love each other.”

Lady Gaga’s multiple appearances as her alter ego “Jo Calderone” were like a bad joke that went on way too long. Despite that, I thought this was actually the most normal I’ve ever seen her look. Anyone else notice when she fell and hurt herself during her performance?

Aaron’s take: “They should interrupt her with music. Have keyboard cat play her off the stage. Boo-boo-boo-boo. Boo-bah-boo-bah-boo.”


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