Posts Tagged 'fashion recap'

Golden Globes 2015 Fashion Recap or “Golden Globes and Social Justice For All”

The Golden Globes: the marriage of television and film (I say marriage because a lot of actresses showed up in bridesmaid dresses last night). As usual, the world’s greatest actors were unable to memorize the six lines required to present an award, nor did they bother to look up correct pronunciation of nominee names. And boy did everyone have a platform last night. TBH, the whole thing felt a little like more like a social justice rally than an awards show, but that’s not a bad thing, I guess?

Tina-Amy Golden Globe GIFs

Tina and Amy delivered a hilarious monologue, but were barely on stage for five minutes the rest of the show. Did anyone else think the Margaret Cho bit when on a little long? Also – if Tina and Amy really aren’t hosting next year, who wants to sign my petition to get Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader as hosts?

Golden Globes Kristen Wiig Bill Hadar

As for the red carpet: there was very little that amazed me. Not in a good way at least. There were a few amazingly bad dresses, but the whole thing felt like a bunch of women crawled out of a dark non-awards season cave and reached for the first thing their light-deprived eyes could focus on. Maybe it’s all a long con to make us ooh and ahh (OMG – my computer just autocorrected that to “pooh and agh”) over the dresses they’re saving for the Oscars? Whatever. Let’s do this.

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I’ve seriously never had to do so much Googling to figure out who wore my favorite look of the evening. Turns out, it’s Julia Goldani Telles from The Affair, a person I don’t know from a show I’ve never watched. YAY! This Carmen Marc Valvo dress is so gorgeous – the cut, the color. She reminded me of Snow White!

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As usual, I uploaded all the red carpet looks and painstakingly began putting them in order from best to worst, and I was surprised (okay, not really) to find that Emma Stone’s Lavnin pants were one of my favorite looks of the night. I AM PREPARED FOR YOUR BACKLASH, PEOPLE. I know a lot of people hated the ass bow, but I don’t mind it. The rest of her look was flawless, and this was one of those outfits that ONLY Emma could pull off. This gal is on the fast track to reaching Cate Blanchett red carpet status.

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Elie Kemper in Naeem Khan is another prime example of when everyone else shows up in boring dresses and I love yours automatically for being different. Though I probably would’ve loved this one regardless. This is the best she’s ever looked.

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I’ll admit, I’m a little obsessed with the color of Felicity Jones’ Dior dress. But not in a fashion way. In a I-want-to-paint-a-room-in-my-house-this-color way. But I loved the whole look on her. Very timeless and elegant, while still feeling new and fresh.

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While Emily Blunt’s Michael Kors dress was sort of in the “it’s good or whatever” category, the way she styled it was everything. The turquoise earrings and bracelet, and the Grecian up-do made her look ethereal and lovely.

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As someone who has spent at least 23% of my life trying to make my hair more voluminous, I can’t get on board with this slicked-to-the-head hairstyle. It feels harsh to me. Am I crazy? Hair aside, Diane Kreuger looked fab as usual. Silver was the color of the evening to be sure. She’s like a shiny, scary, beautiful robot from the future, who’s come to prophesize fashionable alien takeover in the year 2164.

Three women who shined bright like a diamond:

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Honorable mention to these blinding babes who all looked lovely in sparkles.

Three women looking lovely in all their Chiquita splendor:

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Leslie Mann wore sparkly Kaufman Franco, and I loved the green clutch and earrings.

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Naomi Watt’s Bulgari snake necklace was a scene stealer. My only complaint about her look was that the red lip/yellow dress combo was a TOUCH Ronald McDonald. A pink or coral lip would’ve work better for me.

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And finally, Jenna Dewan-Tatum had the unfortunate foresight to choose a Russett potato for a husband, but the fortunate foresight to wear this delightful yellow dress.

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Lupita Nyong’o is essentially wearing the dress version of one of those old timey swim caps. And I don’t hate it, amazingly enough. I don’t think anyone else could’ve pulled off this Giambattista Valli dress, but totally did.

rs_634x1024-150111145805-634-golden-globes-kelly-osbourne-.ls.11115It’s like, I love it, but I hate it, because every time Kelly Osborne makes a best dressed list, her Horcruxes get stronger.

Two women who wanted to party like it’s 1999:

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Remember these? Gwynnie and J.Lo both wore dresses that were modern adaptations (or just sneaky throwbacks) to their infamous Y2K ensembles.

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Obviously, J.Lo has figured out that the combination of low cut, slit-to-there, smoky eye and nude lip make her the Benjamin Button of human women, so I can’t blame her for still rocking the same look 15 years later.

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Gwyneth, however, has done nothing but eat kale and frown at pears for the last ten years. Her cellular makeup should actually be reducing in both age and size, Benjamin Button style. Dresses should not exist that look too small on her, but this one somehow managed to. I think it’s time Gwyneth consciously uncoupled with pink dresses forever.

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I won’t lie: this dress fit like a glove and made her bod look smoking hot. But I can’t make myself love it. There’s something mall store about Versace that I just can’t get on board with. Like it’s the high design version of Express or Bebe.

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Speaking of Versace, here’s another one I liked but didn’t love. The thing about Versace is: you can look like a million bucks, but that million bucks was probably made through some combination of shady interactions.

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Kate Beckinsale is stepping into Claire Danes’ former throne as Queen Boring Hot. Like, yeah, she looks good but what else did you expect? And do you really care?

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Overall, I liked Chrissy Teigen’s dress a lot. But if I could make a note in the margin, it would be that the pelvic area kinda reminds me of granny panties. And I can’t see past granny panties. I just can’t.

Six women whose dresses were inspired by the dancing lady emoji 💃:

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And just like the dancing lady emoji, these dresses weren’t my favorite (👍, 🔪, 💸, 🍕) but they also weren’t my least favorite (🍠, 📩, 🎍, 👥).

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to discuss Tina and Amy.

Were Tina and Amy part of a secret, soon-to-be-aired Project Runway challenge last night? Their dresses were sort of theme-y: Tina was always in some combination of blingy black and white, while Amy stuck to simple frocks from the blue-indigo-violet section of the rainbow:

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Amy’s first dress would’ve gotten a contestant kicked off the show for lack of imagination, but Tina’s dress was made by the Project Runway Hot Mess Contestant(TM) who ends up duct taping their dress together just before the model hits the runway. Tim Gunn has an oh-so-horrified hand on his chest right now.

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Their second outfits looked as if the first dresses had been deconstructed and the scraps were used to make them much more acceptable dresses. Tina’s is still a little weird, but LOADS better than before. Amy’s was her best of the evening.

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For their final outfit change, Tina showed up in a sort of deconstructed tuxedo that should’ve been cheesy but was totally amazing. And Amy had butterfly cleavage. Which I think pretty much just speaks for itself.

Three women who actually found a chance to wear that bridesmaid dress again:

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Of the bridesmaids in attendance, I’m giving Amy the Maid of Honor award for wearing the most flattering dress. But the color was more mother of the bride than bridesmaid, and neither of those categories are exactly sexy.

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Wrinkled satin. I can’t.

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And more wrinkled satin, this time in an unflattering cut and fabric that looks exactly like a set of drapes that used to hang in my grandmother’s sitting parlor.

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Sienna Miller’s dress was a big ole bag of blah, and while her hair and makeup were totally fab, points were deducted because at first glance I thought this was a photo of Kelly Ripa. ::shudder::

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Reese Witherspoon is the red carpet equivalent of Lunesta.

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Kerry Washington is almost always flawless from the waist up. Nay, from the knees up. But tea-length dresses make her look like a tiny fashion elf. And Kerry, you are not an elf. YOU ARE A GLADIATOR. Handle this.

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I love Jennifer Aniston, but something about her style seems stuck in the early oughts. I mean, for crying out loud, the girl still wears bootcut jeans with leather belts. Like her day-to-day outfits, this dress was way 2001, even a little matronly. (Except for the moment when she ALMOST flashed everyone as she walked up the stairs to present – that was decidedly UNmatronly.)

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Maybe this dress looked divine next to your macrame plant hangers, Claire, but:
Vulture.com animated GIF

Two women who went ONE ACCESSORY TOO FAR:

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Hear that? It’s the collective disappointed sigh of a nation who thought they’d found their next fashion icon. Oh, Amul. You’re smarter than this. No, literally, YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS. George may be dreamy, but you are not an eight year old who just got asked to the ball by Disney’s Prince Charming™.

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My reaction to this belt with this dress is pretty much the same as everyone else’s:

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Three women who drooped it like it (wasn’t) hot:

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Dear Amanda Peet, Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy,

So, here’s just, like, a generally good rule to follow when choosing things to wear: if it can be described as “droopy,” don’t wear it.

Yours forever,

Rosemary


Three GIFs that describe how I’m feeling r/n:


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How I feel about Guiliana:

Golden Globes Steve Carrell

 

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An improvement for Lena but still just like:

Vulture.com animated GIF

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LITERALLY EVERYONE’S REACTION:

Golden Globes Chrissy Teigen

 

And finally, my worst dressed of the evening is a big, fat “no duh”: 

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I read that it took 30 people to make Keira Knightley’s Chanel dress. I like to imagine that’s one person to sew it and 29 people to stand around politely asking them not to.

Golden Globe GIFs

AND PEACE. (Leave your best/worst picks in the comments please!)

 

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap : Bigger, Fluffier, Uglier

Before we get in too deep, there are a couple of things you need to know about last night’s Met Gala:

1) The theme was “Charles James: Beyond Fashion” – a celebration of the designer known for big, structured dresses. So I’ll just go ahead and check my bias against ball gowns at the door. A theme is a theme, after all, and I would hope that this theme was embraced a little more successfully than last year’s “punk” theme.

2) The attire was White Tie. If you’re unfamiliar with the rules, Black Tie means men wear tuxes and women wear formal gowns. Traditionally, formal meant floor-length. But more and more, women can get away with cocktail dresses at Black Tie events – fancy cocktail dresses, but cocktail dresses nonetheless. White Tie is a step up from that. It means men should, according to the rules, wear tails and a white bow tie, and women wear floor-length gowns. Them’s the rules!

3) HOWEVS, the Met Gala is the biggest fashion event of the year and rules will always be broken. But last night – the rules weren’t just broken. They were ripped to shreds and Hollywood spit on their weeping remains.

Because we’re working with a theme here, and because the Met Gala is all about BIG FASHION, this recap is a little more complicated than “Good” and “Bad.” I’m splitting things up into groups this go around, so stay with me!

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

The Best : Blake Lively

In case for ONE SECOND you thought you were winning at life, I present: Blake and Ryan. This is what movie stars look like, amiright ladies? I absolutely love the jewelry with this dress, but ultimately, her greatest accessory was her arm candy.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

The Good : Hailee Steinfeld

What Hailee managed to do here was take a theme (ball gowns) and modernize it, and she absolutely succeeded. I love the peek of pink underneath and her fresh makeup and simple hair.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

The Good : Charlize Theron

This look was flawless, and a modern take on what Charles James did, just like Hailee’s dress. I like to think that insane ear cuff is an ode to last year’s punk rock theme.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

The Good : Karlie Kloss

Looking past the gloves for the sake of THEME here, this dress was gorgeous. The print was dramatic but not dizzying and she looked v. classic.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

 The Good: Emmy Rossum

I might regret this in the morning, and I might’ve made fun of dresses like this in the past – but for some reason, I liked this on her. Maybe I’m embracing the spirit of the ball gown better than I thought I would!

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

The Good : Reese Witherspoon

I’m usually bored with Reese’s red carpet looks, but something about this was definitively not boring to me. The color? The unusual top? The perfect hair and lipstick? You know what, guys? I’m not going to over think it.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

The Good Try : T-Swift

From the back, it was amazing. And then she turned around:

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

And it was like a wrinkled Easter dress with a sad neckline. Good try, T-Swift!

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

The Good Try : Kim K

This is such a vast improvement from the chintz wallpaper she wore to last year’s Met Gala that I almost wonder if Anna Wintour didn’t threaten to uninvite her if she didn’t show up looking Klassy. This was almost on my Good list. ALMOST. But the top and the hips had a little bit of a flouncy, droopy thing happening, like the dress didn’t fit her properly.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Right but Not Right Now : Emma Stone

Under any other circumstances, this would’ve been my favorite look of the evening. I thought Emma looked casual and fresh and so, so pretty. Would I have liked it better if the two parts of her dress were actually connected and she wasn’t showing an inch of midriff? Yes, but if you MUST show midriff – an inch is about the only way to do it chicly. Unfortch, this look was all wrong for this event.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Right but Not Right Now: Anne Hathaway

I mean, it’s not the best Anne Hathaway has ever looked, but it’s CERTAINLY not the worst.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV
Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Right but Not Right Now : Rihanna

I would have absolutely loved this without the bare midriff. Or even with the 1-inch midriff peek that Anne and Emma were sporting. It still would’ve been all wrong for this event but when it comes to Rihanna and dress codes, expectations are only so high.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Right but Not Right Now : Rachel McAdams

I use the word “Right” loosely here. Rachel looks pretty but boring, which usually deserves its own category on these red carpet fashion recaps – there’s usually a LOT of pretty but boring. But at the Met Gala? “Pretty but boring” equates to “Why’d you bother showing up?”

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Good Way : Karolina Kurkova

You might disagree with me on this one, because I admit – it is way crazy. And when I first saw photos of her trying to, say, climb out of the car or walk through a doorway, this dress was even laughable. But on the red carpet? At an event honoring a designer famous for big dresses? At an ART MUSEUM? Suddenly, this dress became a work of fine art.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Good Way: Erykah Badu

So listen. There are literally two people on the planet who could pull off this look — oh, wait, Erykah Badu’s hat just ate Pharrell’s hat, so now I guess there’s only one person on the planet who could pull off this look.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Good Way: Janelle Monae

In a departure from her sig look, Janelle totally rocked this cape, and the styling was impeccable. Could a run-of-the-mill starlet have pulled it off? No. But that’s the thing about Crazy in a Good Way – you have to always be a little crazy to pull off crazy on the red carpet, just like Janelle and Erykah. You can’t be pretty but normal most of the time and try to suddenly get crazy for a red carpet event. Then, you don’t look cool, you just look….well, crazy.

And speaking of Crazy in a Bad Way, this category pretty much sums up ALL the rest of the people in attendance at last night’s Met Gala. A. Whole. Bunch. Of. Crazy.

::rubs hands together like a super villain::

Let’s do this!

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

 

Crazy in a Bad Way: Kirsten Dunst

Somewhere there’s a nerd that only has two wishes left.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Bad Way: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Maggie Gyllenhaal is totally that insane party girl you went to college with who had a kid and got really into clean eating and holistic facial scrubs and now she’s just a patronizing drag.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Bad Way : Kristen Stewart

Kristen looks like the popular mean girl in a John Hughes movie. This hodgepodge of Chanel dresses might’ve been okay without the sheer panel. Might’ve been okay, that is, for the MTV Movie Awards. But for a White Tie event? Nope.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

 

Crazy in a Bad Way : Zoe Saldana

But on the upside, if she gets tired, she has that handy bean bag to relax on!

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Bad Way: Kate Upton

Some idiot at Dolce & Gabbana : “Let’s do a passionate, Italian cougar-type look. La Dolce Vita! Il Positino! It’ll be so classic!”

Some other idiot at Dolce & Gabbana : “Passionate, Italian cougar-type? I know JUST the girl!!!”

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

 Crazy in a Bad Way : Beyonce

When I saw Beyonce’s dress from the front, I was sort of on board. Even though I’m not into the sheer skirt thing (and even though J-Law already rocked a veil at last year’s Met Gala) I could get behind it…until I ACTUALLY GOT BEHIND IT.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

I don’t wanna get swarmed by the Beyhive for saying this, but seriously guys, the back of this dress is ridiculous. And I’m not just saying that out of butt envy (though I do have it). Three more inches would take this to miniskirt status and THAT would have been acceptable.

But Jay-Z looked perfect.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Bad Way : Sarah Jessica Parker

SJP’s look was a perfect mix of the two beauty pageant dresses I wore in my short-lived pageant career – opera gloves and bouffant included. It looks like her top half is a Disney villain that is trying to eat a Disney princess (her bottom half). And an Oscar de la Renta signature across the back?! REALLY?! Does this mean my 1990s Tommy Hilfiger knock-off t-shirts with the logo emblazoned across the chest are cool again?

No?

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

 The Crazy in a Bad Way : Katie Holmes

I would give anything – LITERALLY ANYTHING NAME IT – to pull Katie’s crazy hair half up into a yellow scrunchie and pour her tea from a pot with a British accent and make her carry a French candelabra down the red carpet.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Bad Way : The Olsen Twins

In all fairness, Ashley looks all right. In a crazy-Olsen kinda way. The more pressing question is whether they ARE or ARE NOT sucking in their cheeks.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

 The Crazy in a Bad Way : Lupita Nyong’o

Lupita, Lupita. It’s a long, far fall from grace, but thank God you have a net to land in.

**Bah dum CHING!**

No but seriously she looks like a human cat toy.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Bad Way : Lena Dunham

Lena should just get “Crazy in a Bad Way” tattooed on the small of her back.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Bad Way : Neil Patrick Harris

Tweedledumb outfits AM I RIGHT?

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Bad Way : Elizabeth Olsen

Elizabeth’s dress is so wrong for the Met Gala, someone should club her in the knees!

(Because her dress looks like an ice skating uniform….get it? Too soon?)

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Bad Way : Brie Larson

Brie Larson got to design her own Prada outfit!

I hope everyone learned their lesson.


Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

 

Crazy in a Bad Way : Michelle Williams

This dress is so offensively wrong for this event that I couldn’t even put Michelle in the Right but Not Right Now category. Also, it looks like eyes peeking out from her boobs and stomach and that creeps me out.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Crazy in a Bad Way : Shailene Woodley

Sewn from a curtain/duvet bedroom set straight from the Kohl’s sale* catalog.

*SALE, because no one would buy it the first time.

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

 Crazy in the MOST HILARIOUS POSSIBLE WAY : Sandra Lee

Cinderella, A Quinceañera Story

Coming to your local community theatre this summer!

Okay your turn! There were SO MANY terrible looks, I couldn’t fit them all here. Tell me which ones you loved, which ones you hated and which ones made you LOL.

Oscars 2014 Fashion Recap or A Montage of Oscar Montages Because the Oscars CLEARLY Need More Montages

So, I guess you heard that this little thing called The Oscars happened last night? Ellen hosted, which means people who are Too Cool said she sucks and people who Love Ellen said she was the greatest. I don’t luuurrrve Ellen, but I’m not, like, anti-Ellen, so I feel somewhere in between. Her bits were hilarious and she poked fun without being cruel, but sometimes she milked the jokes a little too long and missed her marks a few times. 

Meanwhile, either everyone in Hollywood is illiterate, or the person controlling the teleprompter turned the font size down to tiny because everyone screwed up their lines. All night long. And even if they are illiterate or have bad eye sight – no excuses! You’re actors and they give you four lines. REHEARSE YOU IDIOTS.

Despite that, it somehow managed to be an epic evening. In fact, everything that happened was the Most Epic Thing to ever happen. For instance:

1. Benedict Cumberbatch photobombed U2 in the most epic photobomb of all time.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

2. This pizza guy had the most epic night of work he’ll ever have.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV
 
3. Ellen orchestrated the most epic selfie ever taken:
 
Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV
 
Which subsequently received the most retweets of any tweet ever:

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Which will forever be a missed opportunity for Liza Minnelli, who didn’t quite make the cut:

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV-buzz-20376-1393826422-18

4. John Travolta pronounced Idina Menzel’s name as Adele Dazeem in the Most Epic Line Flub of all time.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

 

5. At the Vanity Fair after party, famed photog Mark Seliger set up what has to be the most epic photo booth of all time, and Instagrammed pics of celebrities all night.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

And those are just the highlights, friends. It was a big night. And amazingly, it was a big night for fashion as well. There was a spectacular absence of ugly on the red carpet last night. For the most part, everyone looked lovely.
But I’m still writing this post anyway, because duh. So let’s get started.
 
Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV
 

For, like, the third time this season, Lupita Nyong’o wins the RotTV Best Dressed award. This dress is what Disney Princesses are made of. The color against her skin is beyond perfect, and even though it was a tad twee, I liked her headband too.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

This Prada dress was made for twirling and wish granting and prince marrying. She was perfect, her speech was perfect, and I’m so glad she won!

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Second place goes to Professor Meowmers, aka Kate Hudson, who was looking super duper movie star sexy in this Versace. I’m not normally a Versace fan, and this could’ve easily skewed TOO seventies disco, but Kate managed to keep things this side of classy.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Cate Blanchett, obviously. The only reason she is third on my list, as opposed to first, is because I almost felt like this dress was a little safe for her. Cate has done some really fashion forward things on the red carpet, and she almost always pulls them off in a way that few actresses can. I know last night was her night, everyone knew she’d win, so maybe she wanted to play it safe, but I think she could’ve gone big.  She was gorgeous, yes, but I’ve seen this dress before.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Sandra was also Exquisite But Safe. Is that, like, a Best Actress Nominee thing? Regardless, this dress (in what I’m calling “deep space blue”) fit like a glove and her hair and makeup were perfect.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

I loved this mod black and white look for Olivia Wilde. She has rocked being pregnant on the red carpet this season, though, it would probably be easy to do if you looked like Olivia Wilde.

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Also, just take a moment to think about the fact that the DNA of these two people is mixing around inside her and will ultimately create a new race of human designed to make you feel bad about yourself.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Karen O’s look says, “Yeah, I look hot, but also like I’m cooler than all these people and don’t you forget it.”

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Everyone thought Naomi Watts looked amazing, and while I agree, she looked lovely, her hair was way 90s and I couldn’t get past it. Oh, but hey, you know who else looked hot?

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Uh, Calista Flockhart in an almost identical dress. As a matter of fact, Calista’s dress had a bit more interest, and I loved her emerald earrings and loose hair. A touch more dramatic makeup would’ve been nice on her, though.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

I might be in the minority on this one, but I didn’t love Charlize’s look. Everyone said she looked amazing, but that’s because she’s freaking Charlize Theron. She’d look amazing in a Forever Lazy. I thought this dress was fine but nothing to write home about.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Jessica Biel was stunning in a dress by little known designer “Everyone’s Saying I’m Pregnant But Obviously I’m Not So Screw You Guys.”

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

I know I’ve been pretty vocal about the fact that I’m totally bored with J-Law’s string of J’Award Dior dresses this season, so I’m not going to bore myself or you guys any longer by commenting on her dress. What I WILL comment on, however, is how very Kim Bassinger From That One Scene in Basic Instinct her hair was last night. Did Regina George tell her she looked sexy with her hair pushed back? Because JENNIFER, you don’t look sexy with your hair pushed back.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Amy Adams caught the hip flap cooties from Jennifer Lawrence. Despite that, she didn’t look bad, and her pink earrings were a nice touch. HOWEVER, Amy has totally fab hair and she’s always pulling it back in tight, unflattering updos. I want to give her a noogie to mess up that shellacked situation she has going on.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Angie’s dress was somehow both matronly AND explicit and how she managed it is one of those secrets that she uses to add mystery to her persona. Is she sexy or motherly? A philanthropic saint or an evil witch who lures children to her woodland cottage for….dinner? Angie will never tell. 

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Julia’s last two red carpet catastrophes must have been a long con to trick us into thinking she looked fabulous at the Oscars, because my reaction to this look went just like this:

1. “Oh, pretty!”

2. “I mean…kinda pretty.”

3. “Ok. Nevermind. It’s a frumpy vest with a Cami Secret.”

But her hair and makeup WERE pretty, and it WAS an improvement? Meh. I can’t make myself care.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Poor Kerry Washington. Being pregnant on the red carpet is Tuff Stuff, but celebrities do it all the time. There were, like, five pregnant ladies in attendance last night that totally rocked their maternity couture. But Kerry showed up in a wrinkled, satin bed sheet held up by a paperclip.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Oh, Anna, I love you girl but this dress was a mess. It has a mamaw neckline, a bare midriff beaded panel?, a swoop thing, a slit with, like, flowy stuff. It’s like parts of this dress are fighting each other only no one is winning. Especially not you, girl.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Fun fact: Anna Kendrick changed out of that fugstrosity and into this sexy dress for the Vanity Fair Oscar Party. WHY OH WHY didn’t she just wear this all night?!

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

Whoopi doing her best Julia Roberts impression.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

And finally, Liza Minnelli, whose entire life is a wardrobe malfunction.

Liza……………………………………………………….

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.

Your turn! Who’d you love and who’d you hate?

SAG Awards 2014 Fashion Recap or “Oh, the SAG Awards were this weekend?”

Ah, the SAG Awards. The Screen Actors Guild Awards. The awards show for actors, by actors. The awards show that no one cares about. Not even TV. Which is why they air on TNT. You’re probably like, “I didn’t even know the SAG Awards were this weekend!” and you are not alone. Did I watch it? Hell no! Did anyone bother to make funny GIFs about it? Absolutely not! Am I still gonna make fun of celebrity red carpet dresses from it? UH, DUH!slide_333355_3336324_free

Lupita Nyong’o wins again! For being a first timer on the red carpet this season, the girl is NAILING her dress choices. I thought this blue was so perfect against her dark skin, and while there was interest at the neck, she kept the rest simple, so nothing felt like too much.

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Best she’s looked all year. This dress fits her like a freaking glove and totally makes her spunky hair look amazing. Finally, Dior dressed the girl, rather than girled the dress. (BTW it’s just black sequins, but in all the pics it has a crazy color thing happening from all the flashing bulbs.)

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As I was going through celeb red carpet photos, there were a ton of people I didn’t recognize. Then I realized it was because THEY WERE ALL THE CAST OF DOWNTON ABBEY and they’re far less hideous in real life! It’s so thrilling to see Lady Edith look completely unlike Lady Edith. Like, guys, she’s so pretty! I’m usually not a fan of this color, but the shimmery fabric made it forgivable. I loved the draping of this dress, how flattering it was at the waist and the killer bracelet. Though, had it been me, I wouldn’t have done a black shoe.

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Dude. This is the wife from Breaking Bad. She looks way hot. Props, lady.

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I rarely include Maria in my fashion recaps because she ALWAYS looks model gorgeous, ALWAYS wears tasteful dresses and she is NEVER important. Like, she isn’t nominated or presenting. Is she even invited? Does she host red carpet coverage? I don’t know because I can’t force myself to listen to Guiliana or Seacrest or heaven forbid Carson Daly talk to famous people without wanting to stick sharp objects in my ears.

But I loved this dress. Loved it. So she gets to play today.

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I LOVE this dress and the earrings were perfect with it. But something about this look isn’t  jiving for me and I think it’s her hair. Amy is one Pantene dollop short of having Tami Taylor hair, but she’s always pulling it back in unflattering updos. I think she was going for “Old Hollywood” here but it just comes off as “Old.”

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I thought Gretchen Mol looked amazing and I seriously applaud a pale person who wears white. My only beef – ONLY beef – with this dress was that the mesh on top was a tad Foot Locker.

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I thought this was pretty and simple, not boring but also not newsworthy, which is exactly the kind of dress you should wear when you look in your closet and say, “What should I wear tonight? I mean………it’s just the SAG Awards.”

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At first when I saw this pic of Ariel, I was like “Ahhh, she looks so pretty!” and I was happy to place her back in my “Nearly Always Looks Awesome on the Red Carpet” file. Then, I saw this picture:

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And I realized she took a page out of the Christina Hendricks playbook. She’s young, though. She still has time to learn how to lasso those things, so I’ll give her a pass on this.

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OMG FREAKING FINALLY SOFIA. For once, you’re wearing something that’s a little different from your normal bombshell mermaid dresses. The necklace is a little much with this dress, but that’s minor. I almost didn’t recognize her when I saw this photo and that’s actually a good thing.

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I think if literally any other actress had worn this dress, I would’ve declared it hideous and moved on. Yet because it’s Cate, I gave it some serious consideration. But as I’ve said before, I try to be objective here, so I’m begrudgingly placing this in the ugly bin and never speaking of this moment again.

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When I write fashion recaps, I put all the photos in, then rearrange them in order from best to worst. I kid you not, I have moved this photo at least six times. Do I like it? Do I hate it? There is a LOT happening. There’s some sparkly stuff, and a dark sheer panel, then an ecru panel, then some black stuff in the back. This dress is a trick question, right?

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It is absolutely admirable that Kerry Washington would wear a crop top on the red carpet while totes preggers. And her pink clutch, lipstick and hair look fabulous. But this custom Prada outfit is a hot mess for a lot of reasons. The biggest one being:

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Remember that period of time in the mid-to-late 1990s when it was cool to cut slits in the ankles of your straight-leg jeans so they’d lay all cool over your Doc Martens? THIS IS THE PRADA EQUIVALENT OF THAT. Do pregnancy hormones make you do crazy things?! Because she’s pregnant and this is crazy.

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Is it a vest? Is it a tuxedo? I don’t know the answer to those questions. But I DO know that it’s kinda ugly. Sorry, girl!

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While I’ll give Kelly props for doing the purple hair thing and sticking with it for this long, this dress feels like a monument to her purple hair and that’s just taking things too far.

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If you’re planning to travel back in time to Prom Night 1982 and need a dress, I’m sure my mom still has a McCall’s pattern for something like this tucked away in her collection of vintage sewing patterns. She can also do a MEAN French twist if you’d like.slide_333355_3336420_free

Tromp l’oeil, tuxedo t-shirt or a pair of pretty sweet Ninja Turtles pajamas? YOU DECIDE.

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Juliette Lewis needs to remove this dress and use it to upholster her fainting couch immediately, because I’m presuming she’s going to need one when she finally gets a look at herself in the mirror.

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Amanda Peet made this dress from the fabric scraps left over from the eight dresses she wore to the Emmys.

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So, Julia wore this. And at first, I was like “Oh, that’s not terrible.” It’s boring and too short with a weird middle slit, but hey, it’s not a white button-up under a dress! Amiright?

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WRONG. I’M WRONG. I’M SOOOO WRONG. IT’S SO MUCH WORSE THAN THAT. I’LL NEVER UNSEE THIS. *claws furiously at eyeballs*

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I haven’t bothered putting Sarah Paulson in my last few fashion recaps because she always wears stupid dresses that are always this stupid length. But now, I feel like she’s baiting me. This dress is the equivalent of holding a fishing pole over my head with a Chik’n Mini on the hook.

And for that, I deem her worst dressed.

Your turn! Who’d you love? Who’d you hate? Who didn’t know that the SAG Awards were a thing?

Golden Globes 2014 Fashion Recap or “The Awkward Side-Hug of Awards Shows”

You know that awkward moment when you go in to hug someone and you aren’t sure how to gauge the situation, so you end up doing a weird kinda-side-hug-face-turn-almost-cheek-kiss kind of hug? You know, like this:

Diddy's 5 Most Ridiculous Moments At The Golden Globes

If you could take that awkwardness, bottle it and sell it at Dillard’s, it’d be called Eau du Golden Globes. Because the whole night stunk of sweaty, nervous side hugs and that awkward moment when you have to squeeze your butt between two chairs while you’re trying to get to the stage to accept your award. I was forced to watch celebrities make the six mile trek from their seats to the stage, where they inevitably made a drunken, fumbling speech about how they didn’t prepare a speech.

Obviously, they didn’t expect to win anymore than the person who designed the seating chart expected them to. Thank God for Amy and Tina, who were like two beacons of sexy, hilarious light. I could’ve used much, much more of them throughout the evening.

Anyway, lots of crazy on stage, but a surprising amount of good dresses on the red carpet. LET’S DO THIS:

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Nailed it. Lupita Nyong’o in Ralph Lauren was my favorite by far!

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Listen up fives, a ten is walking down the red carpet. In case you were wondering what a movie star looks like.

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Kate Beckinsale was also perfect. While Cate Blanchett is perfect in a makes-me-feel-good-about-humanity sort of way, Kate Beckinsale is perfect in a makes-me-hate-myself kind of way. Because seriously, her waist is smaller than her head.

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More than half the time, Julie Bowen’s a hot mess, but I gotta give her props for always surprising me. That said, she finally nailed it with this red and purple dress. LOVE LOVE LOVE this color combo and the mix of textures on this dress.

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Ughhhhhhhhhhhh. Fine. Okay. I loved Taylor’s dress. There. I said it. Move on.

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Amy Poehler wins the Golden Globes MVP award. It was definitely her night. Her dresses were killer, her hair was gorge, her jokes hilarious and she WON that Golden Globe. She won it good.

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She sang a creepy song that I won’t hear again until the moments before I die, but Diane Keaton looks better in a tux than McConaughey and I totally want to be her. Like, in this moment, I actually wished for gray hair and bad vision.

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I think Michelle Dockery always looks so classic and beautiful. I really wish this dress had been a different color, but she still looks gorgeous.

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I could say without a shadow of a doubt that I loved Julia Delpy’s dress more than any of her movies if I cared enough to watch any of her movies.

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I might be in the minority on this one, but I loved Sandra’s dress. It was unexpected and current and the peek of pink underneath is lovely, as is her pink lipstick. So there.

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Also in the minority here, but Aubrey Plaza would have been absolutely perfect if not for her matchy-matchy shoes. SO close, girl. So close.

slide_331487_3313284_freeI’m still sort of on the fence about Elisabeth Moss’ dress. It seems sort of dark and gothic, and it definitely has that see-through skirt thing happening, which makes me want to Hulk Smash stuff. But I just kept thinking, “Wow, she looks really pretty.” So I guess if there was a “pretty” bin and an “ugly” bin, she’d be in the pretty bin.

Ah, the answer to all of life’s most puzzling queries!

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Flamingos. I can’t not see flamingos. Thank god she changed out of it and into this very quickly:

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Fey/Poehler 2016.

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I’ve gotta give Amy props for the daring dress, and I dig the red on red, but did you see her hair? All it was missing was a nice set of butterfly clips.

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Did anyone see the cape she was wearing when she arrived? Personally, I thought it made this look a thousand times cooler, but OH SNAP, there was a Red Cape-Off. Lupita vs. Amy. Lupita used her special moves and Seacrest was all “FINISH HER.” So Amy removed her cape.

The end.

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Allison William’s dress was cool – classic and a little edgy. But I get kind of a harsh/uptight vibe from her and this dress only emphasized that. Especially with the slick straight hair and uncomfortable posture.

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At first, I loved Emma Watson’s orange dress. THEN THIS HAPPENED:

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Is it an apron? A hospital gown? But the craziest part is…I don’t hate it! Did she hit me with a confundus charm? NOT OKAY, HERMIONE.

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While I love her bob haircut, Zosia Mamet looks like someone’s mom in this dress and hoop earrings. But I guess if I were forced to wear a head donut and peace-sign Snuggies at work every day, I’d probably want to keep things simple in my nightlife too.

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It ain’t great, but it’s such a vast improvement for her that it makes me want to start a slow clap. A note to women everywhere: TINY BOOB CUPS ARE NEVER FLATTERING. Just, like, FYI, in case you were considering installing tiny boob cups on any of your clothes.

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Every time I see Reese Witherspoon, I have to suppress the urge to yell in my brattiest, most childish voice, “BORRRRRRRING.” And I’m not just talking about her dress. Oh! Zing!

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Amber Heard thought she was being soooo edgy, when in reality, these are all crimes of fashion that have been committed in the past. But at least she can hide weapons in her hair and use her dress as wrinkly satin sheets in the fashion prison cell she shares with Angelina Jolie’s leg.

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Julia, we all have fat arm neuroses, but how many of us do you see wearing a white button-up under our formal gowns? Find a dress with sleeves girl. Ain’t no thang.

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I used to complain about Sofia Vergara always wearing bombshell mermaid dresses, but now I think I just want to complain about Sofia Vergara. Because this isn’t a mermaid dress but she’s still annoying.

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AND WITH THAT IMPOSSIBLY PERFECT SEGUE INTO MERMAID DRESSES, remember that time Ariel tried to make a dress out of a sail?

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That’s what I immediately thought of when I saw J-Law. I’m over all the Dior dresses. They work for her about as well as a fork works as a hair comb.

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Sarah Hyland’s young and still “figuring out who she is” which must explain why the last time I saw her on the red carpet she looked like a Real Housewife and now she looks like Frida Kahlo.

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Somehow, between attending a high school prom, shopping for dresses at Pinky Punky and being a gypsy bride, Guiliana finds the time to graciously make fun of other people’s outfits.

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If you can ever say that your pumps are cut from the same cloth as your crop top, then you’re doing it wrong.

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With all the advances in dress-making and fashion technology, this dress is the equivalent of showing up in a beeper. A wrinkled beeper.

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I am opposed to two things shown in this photo: 1) Hayden Panettiere and 2) slicking your hair straight back. And since I try to be OBJECTIVE and not let favoritism affect my fashion recaps, I’m going to say that my hatred of this look is 30% dress and 70% hair. Even though we all know it’s really a 60/10/30 split.

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What happens when you leave your dress in the refrigerator for a week past its expiration date.

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Heidi rings like a bell through the night and wouldn’t you love to love her? Takes to the sky like a bird in flight and FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WHO WILL BE HER LOVER?

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I’ve always had an irrational fear of coming out of a bathroom with toilet paper hanging out of my pants, but thanks to Paula Patton, I now fear that the toilet paper will try to wrestle me to the ground like an anaconda.

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Zoe was definitely worst dressed for me. She kept saying on the red carpet that Prabal Garung designed this dress just for her, which I think is like a kidnapping victim’s way of sending SOS signals with their eyes.

So that’s my take! NOW TELL ME YOURS! And as a reward for making it all the way to the end of this post, I’ll leave you with my favorite joke of the night:

Fashion Recap: 2013 MTV VMAs or “A Collection of Scenes You Can’t Unsee”

Did you watch the MTV VMAs last night? No? Then you’re a better person than I. They sucked me in with the promise of an N’Sync reunion performance, and I spent the rest of the two hours looking something like this:
While Rihanna and One Direction were like...
Confused, sad, creeped out and uncomfortable. I’m right there with you, RiRi. But the red carpet fashion didn’t disappoint. As per the usual, the VMA red carpet was 85% hot mess, but those who nailed it, nailed it. And those who failed succeeded in making us laugh/worry for the future of our country.

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Even though her song/video “Come & Get It” gives me the uber-creeps, Selena Gomez was my favorite of the night. Some might disagree and think this look is over the top, but remember: She’s a 21 year old pop star at the VMAs. Which is the only time/place where this look is not only acceptable, but it kind of rules.

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I also loved Ellie Goulding’s studded nude dress. Understated but cool, unlike 99% of the people in attendance.

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VMA fashion done right. Coco Jones’ sequined blazer and mini dress was a winner.

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Though her combo-muscle-tee-crop-top was way Cher Horowitz, I loved the skirt and Shailene is looking insanely fit. Probably because she’s  playing the lead in, like, all the movies right now, even though one time I made fun of her for not being very famous. JOKE’S ON YOU, ROSIE. JOKE’S ON YOU.

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We get it, Danity Kane. You have all the legs.

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Rita Ora started strong and finished just south of Muppet.

TaylorSwift

I’m awarding Taylor Swift with the RotTV Lifetime Achievement Award for Taking Yourself Too Seriously. She looked pretty but entirely too formal for the VMAs. And seriously, it’s time for an interwenchion. The ex-boyfriend bad mouthing is just beyond unattractive.

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Runners up for most annoying people in attendance: Jaden and Willa Smith.

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Ciara’s Givenchy dress vaguely resembles one of those skeleton body suits, if it were the skeleton of Rita Ora’s muppet.

LadyGaga

Lady Gaga’s red carpet dress looked like she got tangled up in the visqueen walls of a cheap Halloween haunted house, but her attempts to bring Cat Breading back were more successful:

Moving on.

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My first reaction to Katy Perry’s dress was: “Wow, that’s, like, the classiest thing she’s ever worn.” Which is actually really painful for me to admit because I have a deep and abiding hatred for Katy Perry.

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Then this happened and all was how it should be.

MileyCyrus

I used to think Miley Cyrus was just annoying but now, she’s starting to upset me.

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RECOMMENDED READING: Buzzfeed’s 15 Weirdest and Craziest Moments from Miley Cyrus’ MTV VMA Performance…you know, if you want to have GIF-format nightmares in which Beetlejuice violates Hannah Montana.

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Nailed it.

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And finally, let’s have a frank discussion about One Direction. Until last night, I hadn’t paid much (read: any) attention to 1D, but then I realized something: THEY ARE ALL SO ATTRACTIVE. Someone in the boy band manufacturing sector finally realized that the two ugly dudes that appeared in all boy bands pre-1D were completely and utterly unnecessary and replaced them with two more hot dudes. FREAKING GENIUS.

Considering that these were the boy bands of my generation, I feel a bit cheated:

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But don’t think I wasn’t having an inner freak out when this happened for a full fifteen seconds last night:
Please note the guy in the bottom left corner. Was he just an enthusiastic N’Sync fan who happened to remember all those sweet moves 15 years later, or did Joey “Fat One” Fatone need a side stage coach?
All right, let me have it. Who’d you love? Who’d you hate? Which of you need another day to recover before you regain your ability to speak?

 

Fashion Recap: The Met Gala gets Punk’d

 

For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Met Gala – or Costume Institute Gala – is the opening event for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s fashion exhibit at the Costume Institute. If the Oscars are THE AWARDS SHOW, then the Met Gala is THE FASHION EVENT. It’s the night Hollywood/New York royalty have got to bring it.

The theme was “Punk: Chaos to Couture” which is kind of awesome. What was NOT awesome was the way most of the people in attendance totally wussed out and tried to pass off a spiky cuff and lots of black eyeliner as punk. So tonight’s fashion winners and losers had to be judged on a completely different set of criteria, factoring in whether or not they embraced the challenge and were able to pull it off in a way that didn’t seem completely contrived. Any celebrity that showed up in an Oscar-worthy ball gown automatically got demoted.

Ready? GO!

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Sienna Miller was a winner for me last night. She managed to look 1) like herself, 2) chic and sophisticated, 3) of-the-moment and 4) punk.

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Only Rooney Mara could make white frilly lace seem kind of bad ass.

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Personally, I think Lauren Santo Domingo can do no wrong. So this Dolce gown with it’s ridiculous puffy sleeves, fishnet neck and spiked choker was a win for me.

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Here’s what was genius about this look: The dress isn’t punk, per se, but the hair and makeup make it feel punk. I dig it.

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Spiked hair and full length fishnet. I feel dirty saying it, but Miley kinda brought it last night. It’s insane and ridiculous but it’s something.

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Yes. Ginnifer Goodwin gets it. SHE GETS IT.
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This is so insane and I love it. It’s like that scene in Legally Blonde where Reese shows up in the Playboy bunny outfit, only if the theme of the party had been Playboy Bunnies and everyone else was just lame.

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Taylor was close, but I was rocking that same hairdo when “Bridge to Terabithia” was my favorite book.

sarah-jessica-parkerSpeaking of insane, a faux-hawk and tartan boots? I only have one question about this look…
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Did SJP purposely flash her panties last night or was this a boot show gone way wrong?

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

January Jones was equal parts horrifying and amazing. Do I think she looks good? No. Do I think she looks punk? Yes.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

When the Met Gala says, “Anna, wear punk.” and Anna says, “Yeah, no.” it’s punk. But only when Anna does it.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

There’s a bit too much blue fabric happening here for my taste, but props for a belt that would literally kill anyone she hugs.

jennifer-lawrence The veil is more goth than punk and the dress is a near-exact replica of the one I wore to college formal in 2005, only infinitely more expensive. But JLaw always makes up for misguided fashion attempts with incredible GIFS:

 Let’s have a frank discussion about pants under dresses. Starting now:

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

I want to shield my eyes from three of the most beautiful women in Hollywood being RUINED by the insane idea that pants under a dress is ok. Discussion over.

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Judging by her expression, I’d say Chloe and I share an opinion on turbans.

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Everything about this is wrong for this event, and a lot of it is wrong for most events.

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Elle Fanning wasn’t paying attention in history class.

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SEERSUCKER, ZOOEY?!!??! REALLY??!!?!?!?! I’d rather you had worn Jess’s prom/virginity dress and done a Lisa Loeb musical interlude.

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Heidi Klum loves punk so much, she wants to marry it. Like, right now. She’s ready.

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The theme was “punk,” Uma. Not puke.

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Possible places this carpool was headed when they took a wrong turn and ended up at the Met Gala:

a) The past

b) Medieval Times

c) Westeros

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Punk is as close as Kristen will ever get to attending an angst-themed party (one she should always leave with a crown and a sash). I mean, c’mon, girl. They really softballed this one in for you. This was the best you could do?

Also, your crotch looks like a fortune cookie.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Um. What?

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Unless “Kiss Me” is playing while Fredde Prinze Jr. takes you to the prom, this is not an acceptable look.

"PUNK: Chaos To Couture" Costume Institute Gala

Nailed it.

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nicole-richiePunk is dead. That’s what she was trying to say here, right?
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Ugh. Plz stop.
That’s my take! Did you guys keep up with the Met Gala coverage? If so, who were your favorites/least favorites? Do you think I am totally insane for some of my choices? Are punks everywhere ripping out their mohawks in a frenzied rage?

2013 SAG Awards Fashion Recap or “Best Awards Show for Cheap, Cheap Jokes”

I’m not even going to pretend like I watched the SAG Awards last night because 1) it’s the SAG awards and 2) I was too busy being STABBED IN THE FEELINGS while watching Downton Abbey. I don’t want to talk about it. I do, however, want to talk about the hot mess that happened on the red carpet last night. Let us not waste time! I’ll begin with the looks I didn’t hate:

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Favorite! Everything about this was perfect – the color, the styling, even the way Marion used the ancient art of French magic to keep her satin skirt from wrinkling.

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Nina Dobrev looked amazing and I promise I’m not just saying that because I love Vampire Diaries. Because I don’t love Vampire Diaries! Who over the age of 17 loves Vampire Diaries??? Definitely not me! That’s crazy talk.

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Admitting that Kelly Osbourne looks amazing on the red carpet feels like using a shopping cart at the liquor store. You know you shouldn’t, but sometimes the occasion just calls for it.

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I feel like I should be making fun of Julie Bowen’s leather dress, but I actually like it. I think the conservative cut and styling keep it from being over-the-top. What are your thoughts on this?

Now let’s pause for the Navy Train choo choo!

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(Amanda Seyfriend wins, BTW.)

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Ok, despite the fact that Nicole let her husband fix her hair for her, I actually really liked this dress.

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I know I gave Claire Danes crap for always looking boringly hot on the red carpet, and she CLEARLY reads this blog because she def spiced things up a bit last night. That lipstick might’ve impressed Jordan Catalano, but (to quote another queen of the 90s) it don’t impress me much.

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I’ll take “Things You Shouldn’t Wear to an Awards Ceremony Called SAG for $2000, Alex.”

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There’s no reason that Jessica Chastain shouldn’t be the best dressed gal at all the awards shows, but not even Super Spanx can save this look from being way too tight. (Are Super Spanx a thing? Can they be?)

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This might be the first time Ariel Winter isn’t at the top of my list. Unfortch, this look is a little too young. Like maybe chipmunks and birds should be fixing her hair and singing about a handsome prince.

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I already made a cleavage joke about the SAG awards, didn’t I? Dang….moving on then.

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Judging by the nips and crinkles in this dress,  I’m pretty sure the fabric came from a sale bin at JoAnn’s. It looks almost as cheap as that ombre dye job. Oh no she di’n’t! ::snaps in a Z formation::

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I mean…we’re all thinking the same thing, right?

VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE!!! 

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This was Aaron’s genius idea.

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This Lady From That Entertainment News Show usually plays it tastefully safe. But that was before the sludge from Fern Gully tried to strangle her and steal her body.

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True story: Kaley Cuoco was rude to me once because I asked her how to spell her last name and also because I said it like this, “How do you spell your last name, Haley?” But I promise, that part was accidental. I also promise that wasn’t the reason why I LOLed when I saw this photo.

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Rose was too busy matching her curls to the ruffles on her dress to notice THE ABSOLUTE HIDEOUSNESS OF HER DRESS.

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C’MON ANNE! This dress is ill-fitting, unflattering and downright stupid. It is, without a doubt, your second worst wardrobe-related decision in recent memory. AND STAND UP STRAIGHT.

Honorable mentions to Amy and Tina, Naomi Watts and all the other ladies that looked pretty but neither good nor bad enough for me to make this post any longer than it is.

So tell me, did you watch the SAG awards or are you nursing a bleeding heart for Lady Sybil tonight?

Golden Globes 2013 or “Events Just Before and After Jodie Foster Came Out”

Surprise, surprise…we finally got an awards show with the tiniest bit of self-awareness. I felt like the hosts, presenters and even some of the winners just made fun of awards shows the whole time and it…was…EXCELLENT. Highlights include:

  • The moment when Tina and Amy said Meryl Streep couldn’t be there because she has the flu, “and we hear she’s great in it.”
  • Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell pretending to have watched the Best Comedy/Musical nominees (video below)
  • Jennifer Lawrence exclaiming “I beat Meryl!” then thanking Harvey Weinstein for “killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here.”
  • Glenn Close’s drunk face

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Even Sacha Baron Cohen seemed somewhat funny and likable…but that might just be because Mel Gibson was there. At first, I thought maybe the HFPA got a little desperate to fill seats. Then, I realized it was just one of those situations where Jodie Foster got a plus one and showed up to the party with that guy everyone hates. Awkward

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Maybe it was all a ploy for all of Hollywood to get him in a room and stage an intervention.

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First and foremost, can I get a “YOWZA!” for my girls Tina and Amy? I’ve been saying for years* that Tina should be hosting these dulled-out awards shows. CLEARLY, the Fates finally listened to my cries. And awarded me for good behavior by pairing her up with Amy. I loved Amy’s cutie-pie tuxedo on the red carpet, but was only so-so about Tina’s black and white dress, merely because the weird length veered more on the side of Sunday school than chic. But boy did she pull out all the stops with this floor length number later in the show. If Tina looks this hot at 42 years old, then I better start workin’ on my night cheese.

*I said it once, during the Oscars last year.

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Anne Hathaway was a favorite of the evening. Her simple, white Chanel was so timeless and chic, and her hair and makeup were flawless. Girl can rock that pixie. Will people still talk about this look 10 years from now? Maybe not. But even red carpet bloggers OF THE FUTURE won’t be able to deny how gorgeous she is here.

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Michelle Dockery’s look was another favorite. She looks flawless in this super-flattering gold and white dress. I loved her wavy short hair and the touch of green in her emerald ring. Let’s hear it for the pale girls with dark hair and doe eyes! They win! The rest of you can go home and start applying sun screen.

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Jennifer Garner looked totally fab in an understated, this-is-not-my-night sorta way. I’ve always kinda hated Jennifer Garner and her style. Let’s face it. She was born to be in that movie where she played a 13 year old trapped in a 30-something’s body…and nothing else. So the fact that she showed up looking like a grown up, and I can admit that she looked totally gorgeous means that we’ve both matured.

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Claire Danes looked great, but Claire Danes always looks great so it’s almost not even newsworthy anymore. I’m actually bored by how hot Claire Danes is.

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And while we’re talking about red dresses, Naomi Watts looked super classy and beautiful.

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I loved this light blue number on Rosario Dawson. I read somewhere that it was obscenely tight in person, but I can’t tell from the photos so she gets a pass.

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If my night cheese serves me well, I’ll look like Helen Mirren one day. Meowzers! (See how I brought that full circle?)

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A lot of people are calling this look “very French” but, unfortunately,  I am “very American” so my default setting is MORE MORE MORE. I love the dress, but her hair and lack of jewelry just make it look as though she’s wrapped in a towel at a hotel spa.

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Kate Hudson looked like a beautiful princess……..who was being held captive as the sexy slave to an evil sorcerer. Do I spy a chain hooked to that thing around her throat?

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Red Solo Cup, Jennifer Lawrence fills you up. I’m seriously conflicted about this dress. Pros: 1) not a beige fishtail, 2) is a great color and 3) makes her waist looks tiny. Cons: 1) boob cups.

17 Reasons Why Jennifer Lawrence Won The Golden Globes

By the way, is Jennifer wearing the same belt as Marion Cotillard? Aren’t they both wearing Dior? Is someone getting fired at Dior today?

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This dress was sexy and flattering on her, and I know that funny, snarky Kristen isn’t going to show up in some dumb frou-frou pink monstrosity, but I always feel like there’s something lacking from her red carpet looks. At least she ventured out of her usual color wheel: nude, ecru, bisque and beige.

Her presenting speech with Will Ferrell makes up for it:

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Zooey, Zooey, Zooey. I’m pretty sure you’ve worn some version of this gown to all the awards shows ever. And while you never look bad per se, the look is about as tired as your adorkable character on New Girl. Wait – what? Who am I kidding? I love that show. RETRACT.

But seriously, Zo-Desh, spice it up a little.

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Connie Britton’s dress was pretty/boring, but her hair was in full-on Tami Taylor mode last night, which means all is right in the world.

And now…let’s pause while the Beige Parade comes to town.

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70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Moving on…

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I give Lena Dunham props for trying (towalkinheels) and this was a VAST improvement from the Oscars, but it was still not a win for me. This felt like a little girl playing dress up in her mom’s closet. There’s a dress out there that is cool and edgy while still managing to be flattering on her. She just hasn’t found it yet.

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So…are sheer skirts still a thing? Were they ever a thing? Because they shouldn’t have been a thing. How I feel about sheer skirts:

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NOT IMPRESSED.

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Yeesh. Sarah Hyland looks like the trainwreck her Modern Family character is bound to become. Or a Real Housewife. Or a sad, sad combination of both. Cougar hair and even cougar-ier cleavage were an epic fail for this 22-year-old.

And now….the nominees for Best Actress Attempt at The Angelina Jolie Oscars Leg-Jut are…

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…Eva Longoria for her role as “mourning wife” in the film Lincoln 2: After the Curtain Falls.

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…Rosie Huntington-Whiteley for her role as “Victoria’s Secret Model #4” in Who Invited You, Again?

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but the Golden Globe goes to…Halle Berry for her depiction of an aging Project Runway reject who hopes to propel herself into the poppin’ and lockin’ world of hip hop dance after a near death experience with  a pair of hedge clippers at a toga party  in Breakin’ 3: Electric Jubilee (in theaters Christmas Day!).

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Someone should tell Nicole Kidman that the seams in her human costume are showing. Allow me: 00011010010011110001101001100101101001010

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Whoopsie-daisy! Lucy Lui got tangled in an Anthropologie shower curtain on her way to the Golden Globes. Happens to the best of us, girlfriend. (Seriously though, if this print were on another cut, I probably wouldn’t hate it. But ballroom gowns make grown women look like prom queens, and THAT I hate.)

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Sienna Miller admitted on the red carpet that her dress was kinda insane, which takes all the pleasure out of making fun of her for it. So Sienna, you can just board that crazy train back to 1964 because I don’t have anything else to say to you.

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Jessica Chastain was a winner of trophies last night but a loser of fashion. I’d say she’s campaigning hard for Worst Red Carpet Dresser of ALL TIME (see hereherehere and here), but I know she is capable of more (here). This isn’t more. I’ve never seen a more ill-fitting dress! And the hair and makeup are just as bad. Jessica, meet Eyebrow Pencil. Eyebrow Pencil, Jessica.

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Glad Guiliana could get away from the brothel long enough to make an appearance.

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And in a DESPERATE attempt to remind Ben Affleck what he’s missing, J-Lo showed up wearing little more than some hot glue and a doily. Yeah, girl. That’ll show him.

Those be my thoughts!  Who were your favorites? Least favorites?

2012 : Top Posts and Fave Instagram Photos

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Manscaping, Phase 2 : A Guest Post from Aaron

The post heard ’round the world! For some reason, this post struck a chord with Pinterest users everywhere and turned Aaron into an internet star. Or, in his words, “Move over, Keyboard Cat! I’m an internet sensation!” When we finished up our front yard landscaping project, we chose to use recycled, biodegradable newspaper in place of that black weed blocker fabric. That little eco-friendly detail made this my most popular post by a long shot.

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Manscaping, Phase 1 : A Guest Post from Aaron

So I guess it makes perfect sense that the first half of that project was my second most popular post of the year. I’m trying to not be a total brat about the fact that my two most popular posts of the year WERE WRITTEN BY AARON.

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Fashion Recap : Oscars 2012 or “How Billy Got His Groove Back”

If I know anything, it’s this: you guys love a fashion recap. This year was no different, with the Golden Globes and the Emmys showing strong numbers. But the award for most views goes to the Oscars Fashion Recap. I’d like to thank the Academy and Billy Crystal’s jowls. {view past fashion recaps here}

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The Big Door-y Reveal

Back in January, Aaron and I spent a weekend replacing seven (!) interior doors in the hallway and master bedroom. This was what our hallway looked like before the new doors, and just looking at this photo makes me sad. Excuse me while I go stand in my bright, happy hallway for a moment. (P.S. Replacing doors is hard. Which is why we still have seven left to replace. In the future, we’ll set our pace to one door per year or so.)

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Light Strawberry Cupcakes

Another post whose Pinterest popularity caused it to skyrocket into a top post position. Did you know that diet soda and a cake mix make the most delicious diet cupcakes of all time? No? Well then, today is your lucky day…

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Follow me: @rohallma

And thank you so much for reading, commenting, liking on Facebook, lurking, whatever it is you do.  It makes the time and effort I put into this blog worthwhile. Cheers to 2013!


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