rosemary on the tv

Here’s how out of it I’ve been lately: Not only did I not watch the Emmys, I didn’t even realize they had aired until the next day! Hence the overdue fashion recap. That said, I couldn’t tell you a SINGLE INTERESTING THING about the actual event. Except maybe this. Did any of you watch? Was there drama? Intrigue? Upsets?

I can tell you about one upset: me, when I saw the red carpet fashion. And by “upset,” I actually mean “completely thrilled” because hideous red carpet dresses make the best blog posts, do they not?

My best dressed of the night was Michelle Dockery. I loved the way these colors played off each other, and the skirt on this dress was incredible. Also, bonus points for styling. The hair, jewelry, purse and shoes were perfect.

I loved this dress on Mindy. I thought the color and fit were flattering and sophisticated, which makes it the opposite of 90% of her outfits on The Mindy Project.

I also really liked Jessica Pare’s blue dress with black shoes, despite the fact that she’s got bad posture and weird hands-in-pockets syndrome in every photo I found of her in it.

I want to hate this Calvin Klein number on Rose Byrne. I am fundamentally against midriff baring of all types, but she looks great and the fabric is lovely so who am I to judge?

When Christina Hendricks makes it onto my best-dressed list because she managed to get her wig on straight, you know it was a bad night for fashion.

Allison Williams paid homage to her blue-blooded upbringing in a dress that was nice but safe. A cool updo and edgy jewelry would have made this dress a hit, but Marni sucks, so this is what you get.

Zooey Deschanel’s dress was pretty and flattering and so completely out of character for her. It’s like I’m watching her drive the Identity Crisis Express right off the tracks.

Technically, my best dressed list ends at Leslie Mann’s upper thighs.

And now, I’d like to introduce a special section of this post entitled “Bad Things Happen in Twos.”

First Bad Thing: Hot-gluing Hobby Lobby cake decorations to your dress. Both Aubrey Plaza and Kiernan Shipka wore otherwise okay dresses with weird stuff stuck to them. Aubrey’s looks like flowers or butterflies around her neck and rhinestones (?) on her sleeves. Kiernan’s metallic flowers remind me of the glow-in-the-dark stars I stuck to my ceiling in sixth grade that are STILL THERE because they pull the plaster off when you try to remove them. Regret, Kiernan. Look it up.

Second Bad Thing: Itty-bitty boob cups. Ignoring the fact that Zosia’s wearing a dickey and Cobie has serious newscaster hair–WAIT, who am I kidding? I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT IGNORE THE FACT THAT ZOSIA’S WEARING A DICKEY. Her chest looks like the Lone Ranger.

Third Bad Thing: Sheer skirts. Who thought this was a good idea? Not only DOES IT SHOW YOUR GRANNY PANTIES, it pretty much rules out Spanx altogether.

Fourth Bad Thing: Curtains as dresses. January Jones looks like she ripped a pair of ugly drapes right off the Mad Men set and Connie Britton stole hers from a late-1800s vaudeville theater.

Julie Bowen looks like a cake decoration that someone accidentally put in their mouth and chewed up then spit out when they realized she wasn’t made of fondant.

Lena, Lena, Lena. On the one hand, I’m glad that she realized overly-formal ballgowns aren’t really her style. On the other hand, a totally funky ball gown is still a ballgown. This silhouette is incredibly unflattering on her, and yet she keeps on rockin’ it, even when she’s capable of looking like this. Her makeup looked awesome, but it was totally overshadowed by her hair. Just a touch of that pomade girl, JUST A TOUCH.

I can’t. I’ve written three captions for this photo and they’re all so mean I keep having to erase them. I just can’t.

I don’t like a single one of the eight dresses Amanda Peet is wearing.

Melissa Leo was dressed like my junior high art teacher who was an alcoholic that used to tight-roll her pants with a stapler while we learned to draw trees. IF my junior high art teacher had been moonlighting as a lion tamer. Which doesn’t seem that far-fetched, in retrospect.

I think what makes this dress  SO BAD is the fact that it was worn to look SO GOOD. I mean, Melissa Leo might’ve dressed like a magician, but at least she didn’t leave the house saying, “I look like a sex goddess.” And I can pretty much guarantee you that Cat Deeley thought she looked pretty sex goddessy when she looked in the mirror and pretended not to notice the weird, unflattering pointy hips and exposed muffin top (!) of this dress.

Your turn!  Who was your favorite? Least favorite?