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Met Gala Red Carpet Recap OR Dresses that Hurt to Sit In

Published May 3, 2016 Fashion Recaps , Uncategorized Leave a Comment

So in case you are like “seriously wtf is the Met Gala”, let’s just jump right in with a refresher: The Met Gala is a fundraiser for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute hosted by Anna Wintour. It’s a Fashion Thing. And every year, Anna Wintour trolls all of Hollywood by giving it a theme that is basically an opportunity for them to look like idiots, or in last year’s case, probably be racist.

A lot of celebs half-ass the theme, because they don’t want to look stupid. But then they look sort of stupid for not showing up on theme. So basically Anna Wintour is as wonderfully evil as The Devil Wears Prada made us think she is.

Our future’s looking bright, guys!

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This wins all red carpets ever. It perfectly encapsulates the theme; it’s flawless in the light AND in the dark. So do we all just go home now orrr…..?

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I heart this dress (which I’ve only ever seen at GCGme.com on the store page) and felt it didn’t get nearly enough attention. That train is just. JUST. UGH. And the simple black bodice and sleek hair were perfectly styled. She is a freaking peacock. I want one opportunity in my life – ONE – to walk up some stairs in a dress like this.

That said, it takes second place for me only because it wasn’t really on theme like Claire’s.

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When I originally saw this, my jaw dropped to the floor. I got to Googlin’ to see who made it, and found out it was actually a pant suit? Which made me *kinda* sad until I read that it was made completely of recycled plastic bottles which made my jaw drop AGAIN. Because this might be the most creative interpretation of the theme. And probably I wouldn’t have loved it at any other event. But for this particular event, I’m here for it.

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Another favorite: Karolina’s “Cognitive Dress” was designed by Marchesa and IBM and featured lights that changed colors according to reactions from her social media accounts. This was a super cool idea that could’ve ended badly in execution, but this dress would’ve been one of my favorites without the lights. So, win!

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I’m usually the first person to roll my eyes at Kate Hudson on the red carpet. Something about Versace in general, but especially on her, gives me some pretty hardcore mall-store vibes. But this was so weird and pretty and perfect on her.

Props to these ladies for arriving on-theme and looking hot, but unless your metal dress gets a good Wifi signal, I’m deducting points for lack of creativity.

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When you’re still holding out hope for that Practical Magic Netflix reboot.

(I love this dress tho)

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I wobble back and forth between loving and not loving this dress. It’s gorgeous and she looks great in it, but it shows just a skosh too much of her hip area for me to be totally on board.

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Zayn looks like a futuristic gladiator, and Gigi looks like the sexy legal property of a futuristic gladiator.

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Dress: YES. Wig: Backwards.

“Hello there, sweetie. Come look at what I knitted for you! I’m not a regular grandma, I’m a cool grandma!”

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The shape and artistry of Bey’s latex dress is a true example of “Manus x Machina”- BUT (and I will not post a photo here because I do not want to sully the image of Our Queen that you’ve undoubtedly built up in your mind) in close ups of her in this, she is sweating to an UNCOMFORTABLE degree. AS WE ALL WOULD. The sweat is running down the inside of the dress, and the material is stuck to her skin. There are photos where *ahem* parts of her are literally fogging up the dress. Like, there’s a reason she held her clutch in that spot all night. I imagine her trying to go to the bathroom and something like this happening:

ross leather pants

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Emma Stone looks sexy but also like she’s really into Dungeons and Dragons cosplay, which means there’s a nerd somewhere with only two wishes left.

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Can I crop the top two inches off this photo and say I love it? Because I love the dress and the color and Lupita, but y’all, I just can’t with that hair.

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Person: “This technology-themed Met Gala is gonna be a hot topic on the web tomorrow!”

Taylor, looking up from her iPhone: “Hot Topic theme? I got this.”

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When you find out your ex is gonna be at the Met Gala and the only way you can deal is to get really high first.

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When you find out your ex is gonna be at the Met Gala and the only way you can deal is to get really high first.

INTERLUDE FOR PICS OF CELEBRITIES’ TEENAGE KIDS THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

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How does that old saying go? “Those who seek attention wear the shiniest outfits.” Yeah, I think that’s the one.

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I don’t know what the HAIM sisters are wearing but if you don’t cover your ears when they start singing, your soul will be trapped in the body of a woodland creature for an indeterminate amount of time.

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When your sister drops the dopest album of the decade and you gotta represent that in dress form.

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Alicia Vikander’s dress looked like someone tried to upcycle one of those oversized bikini t-shirts, but failed quite miserably.

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Teen Witch alternate ending: Louise shows up to prom in this outfit and tells Brad she’s leaving him to pursue her dream of being a rock star and tbh she can’t have some high school jock dragging her down.

But not before having one last badass dance scene. It’s her finest hour, after all.

INTERLUDE FOR PICS OF CELEBRITIES WHO THINK THE FUTURE/TECHNOLOGY JUST MEANS POSING LIKE A ROBOT?

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Kerry looks like she ransacked the sale bin at the Halloween Super Store. Like I’m honestly a little offended at how bad this is?

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When u mad cuz u found out Cinna designed Claire Danes’ dress and u gotta wear something from some no-name Capital designer.

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“Yes, hello, is this the line for Hamilton auditions?”

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“Dear Lord. I said a loose interpretation, not to go full android.” – Anna Wintour probably

I mean, listen, we’ve all got our Jon Snow fantasies, but the Met Gala is not an appropriate place to act out your Game of Thrones erotica fan fic, babe. Leave that weird shit at home.

In closing:

my mood 24/7

Golden Globes 2015 Fashion Recap

Published January 11, 2016 Fashion Recaps 2 Comments

WHAT UP HATERS. It’s been a year. Did you miss me? Last night’s Golden Globes were a complete trainwreck, so what better time to resurrect the ol’ blog for a good old fashioned red carpet recap?

A refresher course for those of you who don’t remember last year’s GGs: Amy and Tina were rays of light as the hosts, and powerful speeches on equality were given by the likes of Patricia Arquette and Common.

This year? Not so much. Ricky Gervais was back as host, and watching the crowd cringe every time he made a joke made me cringe in turn. Lots of cheap, tasteless jokes were made, and for some reason, they brought Mel Gibson out to introduce Mad Max, like the passage of time has made it okay to be a terrible human being.

On the bright side, however, someone made this happen:

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And this:

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The evening’s biggest red carpet trend was cleavage. The second biggest trend was cleavage slathered in olive oil. Some of those girls were so slick, I was worried for the safety of nearby ducks and geese. With that, let’s dive right in to this oil spill of a red carpet, shall we?

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My favorite dress of the evening belonged to Jenna Dewan-Tatum, wife to He of the Yukon Golds, Channing Potatum. This dress was not only incredibly gorgeous, the fit was perfect and the navy blue was the perfect color on her. Loved the simple hair and jewelry too.

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Miss Golden Globe, which is essentially Hollywood’s version of debutantes and usually a title bestowed to a celebrity’s daughter, was Corinne Foxx. Her take on the to-the-belly-button deep V was so ethereal and lovely. One of my favorites.

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Oh my god it’s so unjust that some people get to look like that AND have a British accent.

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Laverne Cox continues to slay on the red carpet. This gown was gorgeous and the emerald earrings were the perfect accessory.

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PSA: It took us more than 2000 years, but we finally realized you can put pockets on dresses. Life is good, we’re all happy about it. But if your dress has pockets, you ARE allowed to take your hands out of them.

*LOVE* this dress on her, though.

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Julianne Moore’s red carpet history is spotty at best, but that’s only because she has never worn BLUE SEQUINS BEFORE. So rad.

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Jaimie Alexander looked tops. The pattern is a little 1980s cruise ship but the colors are gorgeous. And that is the DEEPEST of V’s but it doesn’t feel X-rated like it might on, say, Kirsten Dunst…

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“Why, Miss March, I thought your family were temperance people!”

Huge amounts of cleave aside, this dress was gorgeous.

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Perfect hair and great dress, though not quite as great as Laverne Cox’s similar all-white look.

PROPS to Taraji, however, for handing out cookies on her way to the stage to accept her award. The whole “I didn’t expect to win so I didn’t prepare a speech” thing is so exhausting. Humility’s great, but sometimes it’s okay to be happy that you won a thing.

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This dress was gorgeous but had some fit issues. Is the top too big? Does it weigh a million pounds? Is her posture bad? Is she hunching over or are her abs that amazing? Too many unanswered questions for it to be a favorite, but it came damn close.

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I’d give this dress a rose even though I want to rip that lace piece off the top and give her a plunging neckline. Fun fact: Bryce Dallas Howard had to buy this dress off the rack at Neiman’s because designers only send you one dress option when you’re a size six, and if you don’t like it, you’re SOL.

YUP. ENJOY YOUR DINNER, LADIES.

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Well folks, glad to see that after an entire year, Dior is still foisting J.Law into dresses that are too grown up for her. There’s nothing particularly offensive going on here, and that necklace is jaw-dropping, but combined with the matronly hair and dyed-to-match shoes, this look was a little too First Lady for me.

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IN CAR PULLING INTO GOLDEN GLOBES:

Natalie Dormer: “Well, shit, my double sided tape isn’t sticking. How will I keep my dress up?!”

Natalie’s Assistant: “All I have in my purse is a paperclip, some dental floss and this back-up-for-emergencies-only black thong.”

Natalie: ::raises one eyebrow::

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Amy Schumer may have a reputation for being disreputable, but I never expected her to fight a nun for her habit.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – JANUARY 10: Actress Alicia Vikander attends the 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 10, 2016 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

attends the 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 10, 2016 in Beverly Hills, California.

Wendy’s in the front, Little Debbie in the back, but I won’t hate too hard because those are two ladies who deal in delicious snacks.

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The Marilyn look was fine but there’s something so weirdly inhuman about Lady Gaga, that it’s weird to see her standing next to a mortal. Stop dressing like a person, Queen of the Aliens. Go back to putting bacon on your face.

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I will never see a yellow dress with red lipstick and not think Ronald McDonald. This look is proof that you CAN have too much of a good thing (and I don’t just mean spray tan *ahem*). Cape’s good, dress is good, accessories are great, hair and makeup on point, Angelina leg-jut fine whatever. But all together, it was just too much.

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Weirdly twee…like she borrowed it from Zooey Deschanel. However, she and America Ferrara were perfect presenting together. Next year’s hosts?

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Jane Fonda wearing vintage Pagliacci.

She was v. unamused at Johan Hill’s antics last night. Her date still can’t believe the spell he cast to bring coffee filters to life actually worked!

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This dress is actually in remarkable shape for divers finding it among the wreckage of the Titanic.

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Giuliana is beginning to look like someone who will come to collect your first born child if you make any sort of deal with her.

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Cate Blanchett preparing for her role in the upcoming broadway production of “Annie Get Your My Little Pony.” This bitch is METHOD.

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Katy Perry brought In-n-Out burgers for her table at the Golden Globes, as though this outfit wasn’t already trying too hard.

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I can’t look at this without hearing Britney’s throaty oooooh yeahhhh from the opening bars of “Oops…I Did it Again.” Not a complete look without butterfly clips, and thus, Kate Hudson is my worst dressed.

That’s my take. Leave your best/worst picks in the comments!

GRAMMYS 2015 Fashion Recap or What Ppl Were Wearing When the Great Beck/Beyonce War of ’15 Began

Published February 9, 2015 Fashion Recaps 1 Comment

Did you watch the Grammys? I did, even though the Grammys (and Kanye) mostly just make me want to punch stuff.

The 57 Best Things About The 57th Annual Grammys

I’m always weary of fashion recapping the Grammys because these people are rockstars, and the red carpet is just an extension of their performance art. They are supposed to be insane. It’s why we love them. And it’s hard to make fun of that. But then this happens:

And I’m like, screw it. Let’s make fun of them. So here’s a short’n’sweet Grammy recap. Because I love you.

Absolute perfection. I’m not a huge Taylor Swift fan. But this dress? And those shoes? With her legs? And those earrings? It was the perfect dress for her at that moment in time. So she wins.

Hallelujah! Anna Kendrick finally owned that she is one hot mama and rocked this super sexy suit. Look at her face. LOOK AT IT. She knows.

Some might think Sia does this “for attention” but she’s the only person from this red carpet who can successfully indulge in a little Fourth Meal at Taco Bell on the way home without being recognized, so touché, Sia. Touché indeed.

Dress: good. Hair: only good when covered in an icing glaze and purchased from a vending machine during a hangover.

For someone who once wrapped herself in prosciutto like a stalk of asparagus, “Jersey mob wife” is a surprisingly boring reincarnation.

CakeWrecks.com

Who even IS Rita Ora? Other than the designer knock-off version of Rihanna (available exclusively at TJ Maxx and Marshalls).

If I was married to Ye, I’d be too exhausted to wear anything but a bathrobe either.

Yo Paris, IMMA LET YOU FINISH but first Imma let Prince tell you what I think of you:

Prince's Face Basically Sums Up This Year's Grammy Awards

But seriously tho her chest looks like pancakes.

Who wore it best? <—click link

If the Grammy’s didn’t end with a choreographed prom scene/rap dance battle, then this outfit was for naught.

Jem and the Holograms realize that “rockstar” is not a sustainable career choice and are forced to seek entry-level work in a competitive job market.

(There was a time in my life when I was Jenny Lewis’ #1 swimfan, but this outfit thing is gimmicky and I hate that.)

When the staff at Good Shepherd Nursing and Independent Living Facility told Madonna her saloon stripper talent show act was “too exciting” for the other elderly residents, she took her show on the road. To the Grammys.

And I’m out. Tell me your favorites (good and bad) in the comments!

Golden Globes 2015 Fashion Recap or “Golden Globes and Social Justice For All”

Published January 12, 2015 Fashion Recaps 2 Comments
Tags: fashion, fashion recap, golden globes, red carpet

The Golden Globes: the marriage of television and film (I say marriage because a lot of actresses showed up in bridesmaid dresses last night). As usual, the world’s greatest actors were unable to memorize the six lines required to present an award, nor did they bother to look up correct pronunciation of nominee names. And boy did everyone have a platform last night. TBH, the whole thing felt a little like more like a social justice rally than an awards show, but that’s not a bad thing, I guess?

Tina-Amy Golden Globe GIFs

Tina and Amy delivered a hilarious monologue, but were barely on stage for five minutes the rest of the show. Did anyone else think the Margaret Cho bit when on a little long? Also – if Tina and Amy really aren’t hosting next year, who wants to sign my petition to get Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader as hosts?

As for the red carpet: there was very little that amazed me. Not in a good way at least. There were a few amazingly bad dresses, but the whole thing felt like a bunch of women crawled out of a dark non-awards season cave and reached for the first thing their light-deprived eyes could focus on. Maybe it’s all a long con to make us ooh and ahh (OMG – my computer just autocorrected that to “pooh and agh”) over the dresses they’re saving for the Oscars? Whatever. Let’s do this.

I’ve seriously never had to do so much Googling to figure out who wore my favorite look of the evening. Turns out, it’s Julia Goldani Telles from The Affair, a person I don’t know from a show I’ve never watched. YAY! This Carmen Marc Valvo dress is so gorgeous – the cut, the color. She reminded me of Snow White!

As usual, I uploaded all the red carpet looks and painstakingly began putting them in order from best to worst, and I was surprised (okay, not really) to find that Emma Stone’s Lavnin pants were one of my favorite looks of the night. I AM PREPARED FOR YOUR BACKLASH, PEOPLE. I know a lot of people hated the ass bow, but I don’t mind it. The rest of her look was flawless, and this was one of those outfits that ONLY Emma could pull off. This gal is on the fast track to reaching Cate Blanchett red carpet status.

Elie Kemper in Naeem Khan is another prime example of when everyone else shows up in boring dresses and I love yours automatically for being different. Though I probably would’ve loved this one regardless. This is the best she’s ever looked.

I’ll admit, I’m a little obsessed with the color of Felicity Jones’ Dior dress. But not in a fashion way. In a I-want-to-paint-a-room-in-my-house-this-color way. But I loved the whole look on her. Very timeless and elegant, while still feeling new and fresh.

While Emily Blunt’s Michael Kors dress was sort of in the “it’s good or whatever” category, the way she styled it was everything. The turquoise earrings and bracelet, and the Grecian up-do made her look ethereal and lovely.

As someone who has spent at least 23% of my life trying to make my hair more voluminous, I can’t get on board with this slicked-to-the-head hairstyle. It feels harsh to me. Am I crazy? Hair aside, Diane Kreuger looked fab as usual. Silver was the color of the evening to be sure. She’s like a shiny, scary, beautiful robot from the future, who’s come to prophesize fashionable alien takeover in the year 2164.

Three women who shined bright like a diamond:

Honorable mention to these blinding babes who all looked lovely in sparkles.

Three women looking lovely in all their Chiquita splendor:

Leslie Mann wore sparkly Kaufman Franco, and I loved the green clutch and earrings.

Naomi Watt’s Bulgari snake necklace was a scene stealer. My only complaint about her look was that the red lip/yellow dress combo was a TOUCH Ronald McDonald. A pink or coral lip would’ve work better for me.

And finally, Jenna Dewan-Tatum had the unfortunate foresight to choose a Russett potato for a husband, but the fortunate foresight to wear this delightful yellow dress.

Lupita Nyong’o is essentially wearing the dress version of one of those old timey swim caps. And I don’t hate it, amazingly enough. I don’t think anyone else could’ve pulled off this Giambattista Valli dress, but totally did.

It’s like, I love it, but I hate it, because every time Kelly Osborne makes a best dressed list, her Horcruxes get stronger.

Two women who wanted to party like it’s 1999:

Remember these? Gwynnie and J.Lo both wore dresses that were modern adaptations (or just sneaky throwbacks) to their infamous Y2K ensembles.

Obviously, J.Lo has figured out that the combination of low cut, slit-to-there, smoky eye and nude lip make her the Benjamin Button of human women, so I can’t blame her for still rocking the same look 15 years later.

Gwyneth, however, has done nothing but eat kale and frown at pears for the last ten years. Her cellular makeup should actually be reducing in both age and size, Benjamin Button style. Dresses should not exist that look too small on her, but this one somehow managed to. I think it’s time Gwyneth consciously uncoupled with pink dresses forever.

I won’t lie: this dress fit like a glove and made her bod look smoking hot. But I can’t make myself love it. There’s something mall store about Versace that I just can’t get on board with. Like it’s the high design version of Express or Bebe.

Speaking of Versace, here’s another one I liked but didn’t love. The thing about Versace is: you can look like a million bucks, but that million bucks was probably made through some combination of shady interactions.

Kate Beckinsale is stepping into Claire Danes’ former throne as Queen Boring Hot. Like, yeah, she looks good but what else did you expect? And do you really care?

Overall, I liked Chrissy Teigen’s dress a lot. But if I could make a note in the margin, it would be that the pelvic area kinda reminds me of granny panties. And I can’t see past granny panties. I just can’t.

Six women whose dresses were inspired by the dancing lady emoji 💃:

And just like the dancing lady emoji, these dresses weren’t my favorite (👍, 🔪, 💸, 🍕) but they also weren’t my least favorite (🍠, 📩, 🎍, 👥).

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to discuss Tina and Amy.

Were Tina and Amy part of a secret, soon-to-be-aired Project Runway challenge last night? Their dresses were sort of theme-y: Tina was always in some combination of blingy black and white, while Amy stuck to simple frocks from the blue-indigo-violet section of the rainbow:

Amy’s first dress would’ve gotten a contestant kicked off the show for lack of imagination, but Tina’s dress was made by the Project Runway Hot Mess Contestant(TM) who ends up duct taping their dress together just before the model hits the runway. Tim Gunn has an oh-so-horrified hand on his chest right now.

Their second outfits looked as if the first dresses had been deconstructed and the scraps were used to make them much more acceptable dresses. Tina’s is still a little weird, but LOADS better than before. Amy’s was her best of the evening.

For their final outfit change, Tina showed up in a sort of deconstructed tuxedo that should’ve been cheesy but was totally amazing. And Amy had butterfly cleavage. Which I think pretty much just speaks for itself.

Three women who actually found a chance to wear that bridesmaid dress again:

Of the bridesmaids in attendance, I’m giving Amy the Maid of Honor award for wearing the most flattering dress. But the color was more mother of the bride than bridesmaid, and neither of those categories are exactly sexy.

Wrinkled satin. I can’t.

And more wrinkled satin, this time in an unflattering cut and fabric that looks exactly like a set of drapes that used to hang in my grandmother’s sitting parlor.

Sienna Miller’s dress was a big ole bag of blah, and while her hair and makeup were totally fab, points were deducted because at first glance I thought this was a photo of Kelly Ripa. ::shudder::

Reese Witherspoon is the red carpet equivalent of Lunesta.

Kerry Washington is almost always flawless from the waist up. Nay, from the knees up. But tea-length dresses make her look like a tiny fashion elf. And Kerry, you are not an elf. YOU ARE A GLADIATOR. Handle this.

I love Jennifer Aniston, but something about her style seems stuck in the early oughts. I mean, for crying out loud, the girl still wears bootcut jeans with leather belts. Like her day-to-day outfits, this dress was way 2001, even a little matronly. (Except for the moment when she ALMOST flashed everyone as she walked up the stairs to present – that was decidedly UNmatronly.)

Maybe this dress looked divine next to your macrame plant hangers, Claire, but:
Vulture.com animated GIF

Two women who went ONE ACCESSORY TOO FAR:

Hear that? It’s the collective disappointed sigh of a nation who thought they’d found their next fashion icon. Oh, Amul. You’re smarter than this. No, literally, YOU ARE SMARTER THAN THIS. George may be dreamy, but you are not an eight year old who just got asked to the ball by Disney’s Prince Charming™.

My reaction to this belt with this dress is pretty much the same as everyone else’s:

Three women who drooped it like it (wasn’t) hot:

Dear Amanda Peet, Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy,

So, here’s just, like, a generally good rule to follow when choosing things to wear: if it can be described as “droopy,” don’t wear it.

Yours forever,

Rosemary

Three GIFs that describe how I’m feeling r/n:

How I feel about Guiliana:

An improvement for Lena but still just like:

Vulture.com animated GIF

LITERALLY EVERYONE’S REACTION:

Golden Globes Chrissy Teigen

And finally, my worst dressed of the evening is a big, fat “no duh”:

I read that it took 30 people to make Keira Knightley’s Chanel dress. I like to imagine that’s one person to sew it and 29 people to stand around politely asking them not to.

Golden Globe GIFs

AND PEACE. (Leave your best/worst picks in the comments please!)

The Emmys 2014 or Something Something Cary Joji Fukunaga Something

Published August 26, 2014 Fashion Recaps 5 Comments
Tags: emmys 2014, red carpet fashion recap

Accurate portrayal of how I looked writing this fashion recap today.

Ah, the Emmys. NBC’s last ditch effort to show the world the charms of Seth Meyers. I love Seth, I do, but the jokes last night were like dad jokes from the nineties – a little corny, a little safe, VERY dated. So I’m not sure if making him the host will necessarily boost his ratings. What’s worse, Ricky Gervais, who has been a notorious past host, was maybe the funniest presenter of the night.

There weren’t many surprises: Breaking Bad won everything, Sarah Silverman was high, Julia Roberts never learned to walk properly in heels. One pleasant surprise, however, was that Cary Joji Fukunaga, the creator/director of True Detective, looks like this:

66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Press Room

The only other pleasant surprise from last night was that the red carpet was about 85% good. Maybe I’m getting soft in my old age, but I was highly impressed with the amount of pretty I saw last night. Yes, Lena Dunham completely skewed my average (we’ll get to her later), but overall, I didn’t have a whole lot of complaining to do. So my apologies if this recap feels too nice. I’ll try to make up for it next time.

::rubs hands together like an evil villain::

Well, it’s official. I have a BIG, LESBIAN CRUSH on Lizzy Caplan, and you can put that in your Burn Book. And yes, I could fit at least seven more Mean Girls references in here, but I’ll just stop now and say what I’m thinking: she looks absolutely phenomenal.

WHO IS THIS AND WHY IS HER DRESS SO AMAZING?

No but seriously, who is this? I found the photo last night and now I can’t seem to track where it came from and I honestly don’t know who this person is.

Sarah Hyland’s really had a hard time of it on the red carpet. Basically her entire life. She’s always dressed matronly or cougar-y or just plain badly, so when I saw this, I just wanted to pinch her little cheeks and gift her an inscribed copy of “Oh The Places You’ll Go” and tear up when she walks across the stage, and put a bumper sticker on my car letting everyone know that my child is a Red Carpet Honor Roll student at Hollywood High.

This look was kind of crazy and I loved it. The styling was perfect – perfect shoes, perfect jewelry and purse – and an EXCELLENT call on hair and no necklace. Anything else would’ve competed with the dress.

So I didn’t know she was pregnant until I saw this photo. Isn’t she, like, fourteen years old? Either way, best I’ve ever seen her look on the red carpet!

Amy has my heart. Everything she did last night was perfection – from the moment Seth introduced her:

To when she introduced Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harralson by saying “Please welcome two gentlemen whose names are also items at marijuana dispensaries,” she is pretty much just nailing life right now. And her hair/dress combo were totally fab.

The cast of Orange is the New Black all looked fabulous – well, almost all (I’m looking at you, Prepon) – but Laverne Cox was the winner for me. The cape was perfection, and coming off the VMAs, where she looked like THIS, I’d say she wins for the weekend.

I couldn’t find a great photo of this look, but it so totally worked on her. It was swishy and modern and cool – much cooler than when she announced “The COLE-BORT Report” won then immediately rode her surfbort off stage.

Overall, this dress was a win for me. I’m not normally a fan of this shape, or this person, but she looks nice and if I tried to say otherwise, it would be my waist envy talking.

I was underwhelmed by this. I can’t put my finger on why. The cut was sort of boring. Like it’s just hanging on her, and she’s not really doing anything to sell it. She’s a human clothes hanger with a Christmas garland around her neck.

This is the only time in recent memory that Kristen Wiig didn’t wear something the color of panty hose to an awards show. It’s a vast improvement for her.

And now, a short interlude where we take a moment to remember these starlets who would’ve looked great had it not been for their bad hair. We’ll always remember you ladies!

Poor Zooey. She catches flack for always having the same bangs, but when she tries to grow them out, we hate. Her dress was perfect for her, but I think if she’s going to attempt a bangless existence, she’ll need to change something about the rest of her ‘do. That middle part is a little bit “Islands in the Stream”-era Dolly Parton, which ONLY works on Dolly Parton.

I love you, Mindy. But if me, you and Danny Castalano are ever going to succeed as a non-traditional family, you’re going to have to lose the Bump-it.

This dress was fabulous, but since no one else present at the Emmy’s had rained on hair, I imagine January Jones showed up under one of those personal pan Eeyore rain clouds.

It’s past time that Skrillex shaved head thing crawled back to the dark corner from which it came, and the only acceptable form of this haircut seen on red carpets anymore should be in the super awkward growing-out phase. But Kelly’s looks freshly shaved. And that’s disappointing.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

The cardinal rule of dressing is that you can’t mix orange and black together without looking like those nasty, wax-paper toffee candies that everyone throws away when they’re digging for the good Halloween candy.

Besides being the same sad color from head to toe, this looks like it was borrowed from the dressing room of a woman who used to be sexy sixty years ago and now clings to the Good Old Days as hard as her brittle hand bones will allow.

If you liked Amanda Peet’s dress, I’m sure my mom still has the McCall’s pattern for my 1994 Easter dress which looked almost identical to this.

Sarah Paulson either wore this monstrosity of a dress, or she wore a nice black dress and this perfectly timed photograph was taken just seconds after she spontaneously combusted.

Mayim Bialik has a Ph.D in Neuroscience, so if I knew anything about neuroscience, I’d make a neuroscience-related joke here. Something about brain failure. I don’t know, I’m feeling lazy. You do the rest.

And finally. Lena Dunham dressed as one of those Barbie doll toilet paper roll covers, only if Barbie had bad posture, no bra, and a habit for mouth breathing.

YOUR TURN! Who’d you love and who’d you hate?

Met Gala 2014 Fashion Recap : Bigger, Fluffier, Uglier

Published May 6, 2014 Fashion Recaps 1 Comment
Tags: fashion recap, met gala, red carpet

Before we get in too deep, there are a couple of things you need to know about last night’s Met Gala:

1) The theme was “Charles James: Beyond Fashion” – a celebration of the designer known for big, structured dresses. So I’ll just go ahead and check my bias against ball gowns at the door. A theme is a theme, after all, and I would hope that this theme was embraced a little more successfully than last year’s “punk” theme.

2) The attire was White Tie. If you’re unfamiliar with the rules, Black Tie means men wear tuxes and women wear formal gowns. Traditionally, formal meant floor-length. But more and more, women can get away with cocktail dresses at Black Tie events – fancy cocktail dresses, but cocktail dresses nonetheless. White Tie is a step up from that. It means men should, according to the rules, wear tails and a white bow tie, and women wear floor-length gowns. Them’s the rules!

3) HOWEVS, the Met Gala is the biggest fashion event of the year and rules will always be broken. But last night – the rules weren’t just broken. They were ripped to shreds and Hollywood spit on their weeping remains.

Because we’re working with a theme here, and because the Met Gala is all about BIG FASHION, this recap is a little more complicated than “Good” and “Bad.” I’m splitting things up into groups this go around, so stay with me!

The Best : Blake Lively

In case for ONE SECOND you thought you were winning at life, I present: Blake and Ryan. This is what movie stars look like, amiright ladies? I absolutely love the jewelry with this dress, but ultimately, her greatest accessory was her arm candy.

The Good : Hailee Steinfeld

What Hailee managed to do here was take a theme (ball gowns) and modernize it, and she absolutely succeeded. I love the peek of pink underneath and her fresh makeup and simple hair.

The Good : Charlize Theron

This look was flawless, and a modern take on what Charles James did, just like Hailee’s dress. I like to think that insane ear cuff is an ode to last year’s punk rock theme.

The Good : Karlie Kloss

Looking past the gloves for the sake of THEME here, this dress was gorgeous. The print was dramatic but not dizzying and she looked v. classic.

The Good: Emmy Rossum

I might regret this in the morning, and I might’ve made fun of dresses like this in the past – but for some reason, I liked this on her. Maybe I’m embracing the spirit of the ball gown better than I thought I would!

The Good : Reese Witherspoon

I’m usually bored with Reese’s red carpet looks, but something about this was definitively not boring to me. The color? The unusual top? The perfect hair and lipstick? You know what, guys? I’m not going to over think it.

The Good Try : T-Swift

From the back, it was amazing. And then she turned around:

And it was like a wrinkled Easter dress with a sad neckline. Good try, T-Swift!

The Good Try : Kim K

This is such a vast improvement from the chintz wallpaper she wore to last year’s Met Gala that I almost wonder if Anna Wintour didn’t threaten to uninvite her if she didn’t show up looking Klassy. This was almost on my Good list. ALMOST. But the top and the hips had a little bit of a flouncy, droopy thing happening, like the dress didn’t fit her properly.

Right but Not Right Now : Emma Stone

Under any other circumstances, this would’ve been my favorite look of the evening. I thought Emma looked casual and fresh and so, so pretty. Would I have liked it better if the two parts of her dress were actually connected and she wasn’t showing an inch of midriff? Yes, but if you MUST show midriff – an inch is about the only way to do it chicly. Unfortch, this look was all wrong for this event.

Right but Not Right Now: Anne Hathaway

I mean, it’s not the best Anne Hathaway has ever looked, but it’s CERTAINLY not the worst.

Right but Not Right Now : Rihanna

I would have absolutely loved this without the bare midriff. Or even with the 1-inch midriff peek that Anne and Emma were sporting. It still would’ve been all wrong for this event but when it comes to Rihanna and dress codes, expectations are only so high.

Right but Not Right Now : Rachel McAdams

I use the word “Right” loosely here. Rachel looks pretty but boring, which usually deserves its own category on these red carpet fashion recaps – there’s usually a LOT of pretty but boring. But at the Met Gala? “Pretty but boring” equates to “Why’d you bother showing up?”

Crazy in a Good Way : Karolina Kurkova

You might disagree with me on this one, because I admit – it is way crazy. And when I first saw photos of her trying to, say, climb out of the car or walk through a doorway, this dress was even laughable. But on the red carpet? At an event honoring a designer famous for big dresses? At an ART MUSEUM? Suddenly, this dress became a work of fine art.

Crazy in a Good Way: Erykah Badu

So listen. There are literally two people on the planet who could pull off this look — oh, wait, Erykah Badu’s hat just ate Pharrell’s hat, so now I guess there’s only one person on the planet who could pull off this look.

Crazy in a Good Way: Janelle Monae

In a departure from her sig look, Janelle totally rocked this cape, and the styling was impeccable. Could a run-of-the-mill starlet have pulled it off? No. But that’s the thing about Crazy in a Good Way – you have to always be a little crazy to pull off crazy on the red carpet, just like Janelle and Erykah. You can’t be pretty but normal most of the time and try to suddenly get crazy for a red carpet event. Then, you don’t look cool, you just look….well, crazy.

And speaking of Crazy in a Bad Way, this category pretty much sums up ALL the rest of the people in attendance at last night’s Met Gala. A. Whole. Bunch. Of. Crazy.

::rubs hands together like a super villain::

Let’s do this!

Crazy in a Bad Way: Kirsten Dunst

Somewhere there’s a nerd that only has two wishes left.

Crazy in a Bad Way: Maggie Gyllenhaal

Maggie Gyllenhaal is totally that insane party girl you went to college with who had a kid and got really into clean eating and holistic facial scrubs and now she’s just a patronizing drag.

Crazy in a Bad Way : Kristen Stewart

Kristen looks like the popular mean girl in a John Hughes movie. This hodgepodge of Chanel dresses might’ve been okay without the sheer panel. Might’ve been okay, that is, for the MTV Movie Awards. But for a White Tie event? Nope.

Crazy in a Bad Way : Zoe Saldana

But on the upside, if she gets tired, she has that handy bean bag to relax on!

Crazy in a Bad Way: Kate Upton

Some idiot at Dolce & Gabbana : “Let’s do a passionate, Italian cougar-type look. La Dolce Vita! Il Positino! It’ll be so classic!”

Some other idiot at Dolce & Gabbana : “Passionate, Italian cougar-type? I know JUST the girl!!!”

Crazy in a Bad Way : Beyonce

When I saw Beyonce’s dress from the front, I was sort of on board. Even though I’m not into the sheer skirt thing (and even though J-Law already rocked a veil at last year’s Met Gala) I could get behind it…until I ACTUALLY GOT BEHIND IT.

I don’t wanna get swarmed by the Beyhive for saying this, but seriously guys, the back of this dress is ridiculous. And I’m not just saying that out of butt envy (though I do have it). Three more inches would take this to miniskirt status and THAT would have been acceptable.

But Jay-Z looked perfect.

Crazy in a Bad Way : Sarah Jessica Parker

SJP’s look was a perfect mix of the two beauty pageant dresses I wore in my short-lived pageant career – opera gloves and bouffant included. It looks like her top half is a Disney villain that is trying to eat a Disney princess (her bottom half). And an Oscar de la Renta signature across the back?! REALLY?! Does this mean my 1990s Tommy Hilfiger knock-off t-shirts with the logo emblazoned across the chest are cool again?

No?

The Crazy in a Bad Way : Katie Holmes

I would give anything – LITERALLY ANYTHING NAME IT – to pull Katie’s crazy hair half up into a yellow scrunchie and pour her tea from a pot with a British accent and make her carry a French candelabra down the red carpet.

Crazy in a Bad Way : The Olsen Twins

In all fairness, Ashley looks all right. In a crazy-Olsen kinda way. The more pressing question is whether they ARE or ARE NOT sucking in their cheeks.

The Crazy in a Bad Way : Lupita Nyong’o

Lupita, Lupita. It’s a long, far fall from grace, but thank God you have a net to land in.

**Bah dum CHING!**

No but seriously she looks like a human cat toy.

Crazy in a Bad Way : Lena Dunham

Lena should just get “Crazy in a Bad Way” tattooed on the small of her back.

Crazy in a Bad Way : Neil Patrick Harris

Tweedledumb outfits AM I RIGHT?

Crazy in a Bad Way : Elizabeth Olsen

Elizabeth’s dress is so wrong for the Met Gala, someone should club her in the knees!

(Because her dress looks like an ice skating uniform….get it? Too soon?)

Crazy in a Bad Way : Brie Larson

Brie Larson got to design her own Prada outfit!

…

I hope everyone learned their lesson.

Crazy in a Bad Way : Michelle Williams

This dress is so offensively wrong for this event that I couldn’t even put Michelle in the Right but Not Right Now category. Also, it looks like eyes peeking out from her boobs and stomach and that creeps me out.

Crazy in a Bad Way : Shailene Woodley

Sewn from a curtain/duvet bedroom set straight from the Kohl’s sale* catalog.

*SALE, because no one would buy it the first time.

Crazy in the MOST HILARIOUS POSSIBLE WAY : Sandra Lee

Cinderella, A Quinceañera Story

Coming to your local community theatre this summer!

—

Okay your turn! There were SO MANY terrible looks, I couldn’t fit them all here. Tell me which ones you loved, which ones you hated and which ones made you LOL.

Oscars 2014 Fashion Recap or A Montage of Oscar Montages Because the Oscars CLEARLY Need More Montages

Published March 3, 2014 Fashion Recaps 2 Comments
Tags: academy awards, award show fashion, fashion recap, oscars, red carpet

So, I guess you heard that this little thing called The Oscars happened last night? Ellen hosted, which means people who are Too Cool said she sucks and people who Love Ellen said she was the greatest. I don’t luuurrrve Ellen, but I’m not, like, anti-Ellen, so I feel somewhere in between. Her bits were hilarious and she poked fun without being cruel, but sometimes she milked the jokes a little too long and missed her marks a few times.

Meanwhile, either everyone in Hollywood is illiterate, or the person controlling the teleprompter turned the font size down to tiny because everyone screwed up their lines. All night long. And even if they are illiterate or have bad eye sight – no excuses! You’re actors and they give you four lines. REHEARSE YOU IDIOTS.

Despite that, it somehow managed to be an epic evening. In fact, everything that happened was the Most Epic Thing to ever happen. For instance:

1. Benedict Cumberbatch photobombed U2 in the most epic photobomb of all time.

2. This pizza guy had the most epic night of work he’ll ever have.

Oscars 2014 Red Carpet Fashion Recap | Rosemary on the TV

3. Ellen orchestrated the most epic selfie ever taken:

Which subsequently received the most retweets of any tweet ever:

Which will forever be a missed opportunity for Liza Minnelli, who didn’t quite make the cut:

4. John Travolta pronounced Idina Menzel’s name as Adele Dazeem in the Most Epic Line Flub of all time.

5. At the Vanity Fair after party, famed photog Mark Seliger set up what has to be the most epic photo booth of all time, and Instagrammed pics of celebrities all night.

And those are just the highlights, friends. It was a big night. And amazingly, it was a big night for fashion as well. There was a spectacular absence of ugly on the red carpet last night. For the most part, everyone looked lovely.

But I’m still writing this post anyway, because duh. So let’s get started.

For, like, the third time this season, Lupita Nyong’o wins the RotTV Best Dressed award. This dress is what Disney Princesses are made of. The color against her skin is beyond perfect, and even though it was a tad twee, I liked her headband too.

This Prada dress was made for twirling and wish granting and prince marrying. She was perfect, her speech was perfect, and I’m so glad she won!

Second place goes to Professor Meowmers, aka Kate Hudson, who was looking super duper movie star sexy in this Versace. I’m not normally a Versace fan, and this could’ve easily skewed TOO seventies disco, but Kate managed to keep things this side of classy.

Cate Blanchett, obviously. The only reason she is third on my list, as opposed to first, is because I almost felt like this dress was a little safe for her. Cate has done some really fashion forward things on the red carpet, and she almost always pulls them off in a way that few actresses can. I know last night was her night, everyone knew she’d win, so maybe she wanted to play it safe, but I think she could’ve gone big. She was gorgeous, yes, but I’ve seen this dress before.

Sandra was also Exquisite But Safe. Is that, like, a Best Actress Nominee thing? Regardless, this dress (in what I’m calling “deep space blue”) fit like a glove and her hair and makeup were perfect.

I loved this mod black and white look for Olivia Wilde. She has rocked being pregnant on the red carpet this season, though, it would probably be easy to do if you looked like Olivia Wilde.

Also, just take a moment to think about the fact that the DNA of these two people is mixing around inside her and will ultimately create a new race of human designed to make you feel bad about yourself.

Karen O’s look says, “Yeah, I look hot, but also like I’m cooler than all these people and don’t you forget it.”

Everyone thought Naomi Watts looked amazing, and while I agree, she looked lovely, her hair was way 90s and I couldn’t get past it. Oh, but hey, you know who else looked hot?

Uh, Calista Flockhart in an almost identical dress. As a matter of fact, Calista’s dress had a bit more interest, and I loved her emerald earrings and loose hair. A touch more dramatic makeup would’ve been nice on her, though.

I might be in the minority on this one, but I didn’t love Charlize’s look. Everyone said she looked amazing, but that’s because she’s freaking Charlize Theron. She’d look amazing in a Forever Lazy. I thought this dress was fine but nothing to write home about.

Jessica Biel was stunning in a dress by little known designer “Everyone’s Saying I’m Pregnant But Obviously I’m Not So Screw You Guys.”

I know I’ve been pretty vocal about the fact that I’m totally bored with J-Law’s string of J’Award Dior dresses this season, so I’m not going to bore myself or you guys any longer by commenting on her dress. What I WILL comment on, however, is how very Kim Bassinger From That One Scene in Basic Instinct her hair was last night. Did Regina George tell her she looked sexy with her hair pushed back? Because JENNIFER, you don’t look sexy with your hair pushed back.

Amy Adams caught the hip flap cooties from Jennifer Lawrence. Despite that, she didn’t look bad, and her pink earrings were a nice touch. HOWEVER, Amy has totally fab hair and she’s always pulling it back in tight, unflattering updos. I want to give her a noogie to mess up that shellacked situation she has going on.

Angie’s dress was somehow both matronly AND explicit and how she managed it is one of those secrets that she uses to add mystery to her persona. Is she sexy or motherly? A philanthropic saint or an evil witch who lures children to her woodland cottage for….dinner? Angie will never tell.

Julia’s last two red carpet catastrophes must have been a long con to trick us into thinking she looked fabulous at the Oscars, because my reaction to this look went just like this:

1. “Oh, pretty!”

2. “I mean…kinda pretty.”

3. “Ok. Nevermind. It’s a frumpy vest with a Cami Secret.”

But her hair and makeup WERE pretty, and it WAS an improvement? Meh. I can’t make myself care.

Poor Kerry Washington. Being pregnant on the red carpet is Tuff Stuff, but celebrities do it all the time. There were, like, five pregnant ladies in attendance last night that totally rocked their maternity couture. But Kerry showed up in a wrinkled, satin bed sheet held up by a paperclip.

Oh, Anna, I love you girl but this dress was a mess. It has a mamaw neckline, a bare midriff beaded panel?, a swoop thing, a slit with, like, flowy stuff. It’s like parts of this dress are fighting each other only no one is winning. Especially not you, girl.

Fun fact: Anna Kendrick changed out of that fugstrosity and into this sexy dress for the Vanity Fair Oscar Party. WHY OH WHY didn’t she just wear this all night?!

Whoopi doing her best Julia Roberts impression.

And finally, Liza Minnelli, whose entire life is a wardrobe malfunction.

Liza……………………………………………………….

YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.

—

Your turn! Who’d you love and who’d you hate?

SAG Awards 2014 Fashion Recap or “Oh, the SAG Awards were this weekend?”

Published January 21, 2014 Fashion Recaps , Uncategorized 3 Comments
Tags: fashion recap, red carpet, sag awards

Ah, the SAG Awards. The Screen Actors Guild Awards. The awards show for actors, by actors. The awards show that no one cares about. Not even TV. Which is why they air on TNT. You’re probably like, “I didn’t even know the SAG Awards were this weekend!” and you are not alone. Did I watch it? Hell no! Did anyone bother to make funny GIFs about it? Absolutely not! Am I still gonna make fun of celebrity red carpet dresses from it? UH, DUH!

Lupita Nyong’o wins again! For being a first timer on the red carpet this season, the girl is NAILING her dress choices. I thought this blue was so perfect against her dark skin, and while there was interest at the neck, she kept the rest simple, so nothing felt like too much.

Best she’s looked all year. This dress fits her like a freaking glove and totally makes her spunky hair look amazing. Finally, Dior dressed the girl, rather than girled the dress. (BTW it’s just black sequins, but in all the pics it has a crazy color thing happening from all the flashing bulbs.)

As I was going through celeb red carpet photos, there were a ton of people I didn’t recognize. Then I realized it was because THEY WERE ALL THE CAST OF DOWNTON ABBEY and they’re far less hideous in real life! It’s so thrilling to see Lady Edith look completely unlike Lady Edith. Like, guys, she’s so pretty! I’m usually not a fan of this color, but the shimmery fabric made it forgivable. I loved the draping of this dress, how flattering it was at the waist and the killer bracelet. Though, had it been me, I wouldn’t have done a black shoe.

Dude. This is the wife from Breaking Bad. She looks way hot. Props, lady.

I rarely include Maria in my fashion recaps because she ALWAYS looks model gorgeous, ALWAYS wears tasteful dresses and she is NEVER important. Like, she isn’t nominated or presenting. Is she even invited? Does she host red carpet coverage? I don’t know because I can’t force myself to listen to Guiliana or Seacrest or heaven forbid Carson Daly talk to famous people without wanting to stick sharp objects in my ears.

But I loved this dress. Loved it. So she gets to play today.

I LOVE this dress and the earrings were perfect with it. But something about this look isn’t jiving for me and I think it’s her hair. Amy is one Pantene dollop short of having Tami Taylor hair, but she’s always pulling it back in unflattering updos. I think she was going for “Old Hollywood” here but it just comes off as “Old.”

I thought Gretchen Mol looked amazing and I seriously applaud a pale person who wears white. My only beef – ONLY beef – with this dress was that the mesh on top was a tad Foot Locker.

I thought this was pretty and simple, not boring but also not newsworthy, which is exactly the kind of dress you should wear when you look in your closet and say, “What should I wear tonight? I mean………it’s just the SAG Awards.”

At first when I saw this pic of Ariel, I was like “Ahhh, she looks so pretty!” and I was happy to place her back in my “Nearly Always Looks Awesome on the Red Carpet” file. Then, I saw this picture:

And I realized she took a page out of the Christina Hendricks playbook. She’s young, though. She still has time to learn how to lasso those things, so I’ll give her a pass on this.

OMG FREAKING FINALLY SOFIA. For once, you’re wearing something that’s a little different from your normal bombshell mermaid dresses. The necklace is a little much with this dress, but that’s minor. I almost didn’t recognize her when I saw this photo and that’s actually a good thing.

I think if literally any other actress had worn this dress, I would’ve declared it hideous and moved on. Yet because it’s Cate, I gave it some serious consideration. But as I’ve said before, I try to be objective here, so I’m begrudgingly placing this in the ugly bin and never speaking of this moment again.

When I write fashion recaps, I put all the photos in, then rearrange them in order from best to worst. I kid you not, I have moved this photo at least six times. Do I like it? Do I hate it? There is a LOT happening. There’s some sparkly stuff, and a dark sheer panel, then an ecru panel, then some black stuff in the back. This dress is a trick question, right?

It is absolutely admirable that Kerry Washington would wear a crop top on the red carpet while totes preggers. And her pink clutch, lipstick and hair look fabulous. But this custom Prada outfit is a hot mess for a lot of reasons. The biggest one being:

Remember that period of time in the mid-to-late 1990s when it was cool to cut slits in the ankles of your straight-leg jeans so they’d lay all cool over your Doc Martens? THIS IS THE PRADA EQUIVALENT OF THAT. Do pregnancy hormones make you do crazy things?! Because she’s pregnant and this is crazy.

Is it a vest? Is it a tuxedo? I don’t know the answer to those questions. But I DO know that it’s kinda ugly. Sorry, girl!

While I’ll give Kelly props for doing the purple hair thing and sticking with it for this long, this dress feels like a monument to her purple hair and that’s just taking things too far.

If you’re planning to travel back in time to Prom Night 1982 and need a dress, I’m sure my mom still has a McCall’s pattern for something like this tucked away in her collection of vintage sewing patterns. She can also do a MEAN French twist if you’d like.

Tromp l’oeil, tuxedo t-shirt or a pair of pretty sweet Ninja Turtles pajamas? YOU DECIDE.

Juliette Lewis needs to remove this dress and use it to upholster her fainting couch immediately, because I’m presuming she’s going to need one when she finally gets a look at herself in the mirror.

Amanda Peet made this dress from the fabric scraps left over from the eight dresses she wore to the Emmys.

So, Julia wore this. And at first, I was like “Oh, that’s not terrible.” It’s boring and too short with a weird middle slit, but hey, it’s not a white button-up under a dress! Amiright?

WRONG. I’M WRONG. I’M SOOOO WRONG. IT’S SO MUCH WORSE THAN THAT. I’LL NEVER UNSEE THIS. *claws furiously at eyeballs*

I haven’t bothered putting Sarah Paulson in my last few fashion recaps because she always wears stupid dresses that are always this stupid length. But now, I feel like she’s baiting me. This dress is the equivalent of holding a fishing pole over my head with a Chik’n Mini on the hook.

And for that, I deem her worst dressed.

Your turn! Who’d you love? Who’d you hate? Who didn’t know that the SAG Awards were a thing?

Golden Globes 2014 Fashion Recap or “The Awkward Side-Hug of Awards Shows”

Published January 13, 2014 Fashion Recaps 3 Comments
Tags: fashion recap, golden globes, red carpet

You know that awkward moment when you go in to hug someone and you aren’t sure how to gauge the situation, so you end up doing a weird kinda-side-hug-face-turn-almost-cheek-kiss kind of hug? You know, like this:

Diddy's 5 Most Ridiculous Moments At The Golden Globes

If you could take that awkwardness, bottle it and sell it at Dillard’s, it’d be called Eau du Golden Globes. Because the whole night stunk of sweaty, nervous side hugs and that awkward moment when you have to squeeze your butt between two chairs while you’re trying to get to the stage to accept your award. I was forced to watch celebrities make the six mile trek from their seats to the stage, where they inevitably made a drunken, fumbling speech about how they didn’t prepare a speech.

Obviously, they didn’t expect to win anymore than the person who designed the seating chart expected them to. Thank God for Amy and Tina, who were like two beacons of sexy, hilarious light. I could’ve used much, much more of them throughout the evening.

Anyway, lots of crazy on stage, but a surprising amount of good dresses on the red carpet. LET’S DO THIS:

Nailed it. Lupita Nyong’o in Ralph Lauren was my favorite by far!

Listen up fives, a ten is walking down the red carpet. In case you were wondering what a movie star looks like.

Kate Beckinsale was also perfect. While Cate Blanchett is perfect in a makes-me-feel-good-about-humanity sort of way, Kate Beckinsale is perfect in a makes-me-hate-myself kind of way. Because seriously, her waist is smaller than her head.

More than half the time, Julie Bowen’s a hot mess, but I gotta give her props for always surprising me. That said, she finally nailed it with this red and purple dress. LOVE LOVE LOVE this color combo and the mix of textures on this dress.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh. Fine. Okay. I loved Taylor’s dress. There. I said it. Move on.

Amy Poehler wins the Golden Globes MVP award. It was definitely her night. Her dresses were killer, her hair was gorge, her jokes hilarious and she WON that Golden Globe. She won it good.

She sang a creepy song that I won’t hear again until the moments before I die, but Diane Keaton looks better in a tux than McConaughey and I totally want to be her. Like, in this moment, I actually wished for gray hair and bad vision.

I think Michelle Dockery always looks so classic and beautiful. I really wish this dress had been a different color, but she still looks gorgeous.

I could say without a shadow of a doubt that I loved Julia Delpy’s dress more than any of her movies if I cared enough to watch any of her movies.

I might be in the minority on this one, but I loved Sandra’s dress. It was unexpected and current and the peek of pink underneath is lovely, as is her pink lipstick. So there.

Also in the minority here, but Aubrey Plaza would have been absolutely perfect if not for her matchy-matchy shoes. SO close, girl. So close.

I’m still sort of on the fence about Elisabeth Moss’ dress. It seems sort of dark and gothic, and it definitely has that see-through skirt thing happening, which makes me want to Hulk Smash stuff. But I just kept thinking, “Wow, she looks really pretty.” So I guess if there was a “pretty” bin and an “ugly” bin, she’d be in the pretty bin.

Ah, the answer to all of life’s most puzzling queries!

Flamingos. I can’t not see flamingos. Thank god she changed out of it and into this very quickly:

Fey/Poehler 2016.

I’ve gotta give Amy props for the daring dress, and I dig the red on red, but did you see her hair? All it was missing was a nice set of butterfly clips.

Did anyone see the cape she was wearing when she arrived? Personally, I thought it made this look a thousand times cooler, but OH SNAP, there was a Red Cape-Off. Lupita vs. Amy. Lupita used her special moves and Seacrest was all “FINISH HER.” So Amy removed her cape.

The end.

Allison William’s dress was cool – classic and a little edgy. But I get kind of a harsh/uptight vibe from her and this dress only emphasized that. Especially with the slick straight hair and uncomfortable posture.

At first, I loved Emma Watson’s orange dress. THEN THIS HAPPENED:

Is it an apron? A hospital gown? But the craziest part is…I don’t hate it! Did she hit me with a confundus charm? NOT OKAY, HERMIONE.

While I love her bob haircut, Zosia Mamet looks like someone’s mom in this dress and hoop earrings. But I guess if I were forced to wear a head donut and peace-sign Snuggies at work every day, I’d probably want to keep things simple in my nightlife too.

It ain’t great, but it’s such a vast improvement for her that it makes me want to start a slow clap. A note to women everywhere: TINY BOOB CUPS ARE NEVER FLATTERING. Just, like, FYI, in case you were considering installing tiny boob cups on any of your clothes.

Every time I see Reese Witherspoon, I have to suppress the urge to yell in my brattiest, most childish voice, “BORRRRRRRING.” And I’m not just talking about her dress. Oh! Zing!

Amber Heard thought she was being soooo edgy, when in reality, these are all crimes of fashion that have been committed in the past. But at least she can hide weapons in her hair and use her dress as wrinkly satin sheets in the fashion prison cell she shares with Angelina Jolie’s leg.

Julia, we all have fat arm neuroses, but how many of us do you see wearing a white button-up under our formal gowns? Find a dress with sleeves girl. Ain’t no thang.

I used to complain about Sofia Vergara always wearing bombshell mermaid dresses, but now I think I just want to complain about Sofia Vergara. Because this isn’t a mermaid dress but she’s still annoying.

AND WITH THAT IMPOSSIBLY PERFECT SEGUE INTO MERMAID DRESSES, remember that time Ariel tried to make a dress out of a sail?

That’s what I immediately thought of when I saw J-Law. I’m over all the Dior dresses. They work for her about as well as a fork works as a hair comb.

Sarah Hyland’s young and still “figuring out who she is” which must explain why the last time I saw her on the red carpet she looked like a Real Housewife and now she looks like Frida Kahlo.

Somehow, between attending a high school prom, shopping for dresses at Pinky Punky and being a gypsy bride, Guiliana finds the time to graciously make fun of other people’s outfits.

If you can ever say that your pumps are cut from the same cloth as your crop top, then you’re doing it wrong.

With all the advances in dress-making and fashion technology, this dress is the equivalent of showing up in a beeper. A wrinkled beeper.

I am opposed to two things shown in this photo: 1) Hayden Panettiere and 2) slicking your hair straight back. And since I try to be OBJECTIVE and not let favoritism affect my fashion recaps, I’m going to say that my hatred of this look is 30% dress and 70% hair. Even though we all know it’s really a 60/10/30 split.

What happens when you leave your dress in the refrigerator for a week past its expiration date.

Heidi rings like a bell through the night and wouldn’t you love to love her? Takes to the sky like a bird in flight and FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WHO WILL BE HER LOVER?

I’ve always had an irrational fear of coming out of a bathroom with toilet paper hanging out of my pants, but thanks to Paula Patton, I now fear that the toilet paper will try to wrestle me to the ground like an anaconda.

Zoe was definitely worst dressed for me. She kept saying on the red carpet that Prabal Garung designed this dress just for her, which I think is like a kidnapping victim’s way of sending SOS signals with their eyes.

So that’s my take! NOW TELL ME YOURS! And as a reward for making it all the way to the end of this post, I’ll leave you with my favorite joke of the night:

Emmys 2013 Fashion Recap or “Where the Ugly Things Are”

Published September 24, 2013 Fashion Recaps 6 Comments

Here’s how out of it I’ve been lately: Not only did I not watch the Emmys, I didn’t even realize they had aired until the next day! Hence the overdue fashion recap. That said, I couldn’t tell you a SINGLE INTERESTING THING about the actual event. Except maybe this. Did any of you watch? Was there drama? Intrigue? Upsets?

I can tell you about one upset: me, when I saw the red carpet fashion. And by “upset,” I actually mean “completely thrilled” because hideous red carpet dresses make the best blog posts, do they not?

My best dressed of the night was Michelle Dockery. I loved the way these colors played off each other, and the skirt on this dress was incredible. Also, bonus points for styling. The hair, jewelry, purse and shoes were perfect.

I loved this dress on Mindy. I thought the color and fit were flattering and sophisticated, which makes it the opposite of 90% of her outfits on The Mindy Project.

I also really liked Jessica Pare’s blue dress with black shoes, despite the fact that she’s got bad posture and weird hands-in-pockets syndrome in every photo I found of her in it.

I want to hate this Calvin Klein number on Rose Byrne. I am fundamentally against midriff baring of all types, but she looks great and the fabric is lovely so who am I to judge?

When Christina Hendricks makes it onto my best-dressed list because she managed to get her wig on straight, you know it was a bad night for fashion.

Allison Williams paid homage to her blue-blooded upbringing in a dress that was nice but safe. A cool updo and edgy jewelry would have made this dress a hit, but Marni sucks, so this is what you get.

Zooey Deschanel’s dress was pretty and flattering and so completely out of character for her. It’s like I’m watching her drive the Identity Crisis Express right off the tracks.

Technically, my best dressed list ends at Leslie Mann’s upper thighs.

And now, I’d like to introduce a special section of this post entitled “Bad Things Happen in Twos.”

First Bad Thing: Hot-gluing Hobby Lobby cake decorations to your dress. Both Aubrey Plaza and Kiernan Shipka wore otherwise okay dresses with weird stuff stuck to them. Aubrey’s looks like flowers or butterflies around her neck and rhinestones (?) on her sleeves. Kiernan’s metallic flowers remind me of the glow-in-the-dark stars I stuck to my ceiling in sixth grade that are STILL THERE because they pull the plaster off when you try to remove them. Regret, Kiernan. Look it up.

Second Bad Thing: Itty-bitty boob cups. Ignoring the fact that Zosia’s wearing a dickey and Cobie has serious newscaster hair–WAIT, who am I kidding? I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT IGNORE THE FACT THAT ZOSIA’S WEARING A DICKEY. Her chest looks like the Lone Ranger.

Third Bad Thing: Sheer skirts. Who thought this was a good idea? Not only DOES IT SHOW YOUR GRANNY PANTIES, it pretty much rules out Spanx altogether.

Fourth Bad Thing: Curtains as dresses. January Jones looks like she ripped a pair of ugly drapes right off the Mad Men set and Connie Britton stole hers from a late-1800s vaudeville theater.

Julie Bowen looks like a cake decoration that someone accidentally put in their mouth and chewed up then spit out when they realized she wasn’t made of fondant.

Lena, Lena, Lena. On the one hand, I’m glad that she realized overly-formal ballgowns aren’t really her style. On the other hand, a totally funky ball gown is still a ballgown. This silhouette is incredibly unflattering on her, and yet she keeps on rockin’ it, even when she’s capable of looking like this. Her makeup looked awesome, but it was totally overshadowed by her hair. Just a touch of that pomade girl, JUST A TOUCH.

I can’t. I’ve written three captions for this photo and they’re all so mean I keep having to erase them. I just can’t.

I don’t like a single one of the eight dresses Amanda Peet is wearing.

Melissa Leo was dressed like my junior high art teacher who was an alcoholic that used to tight-roll her pants with a stapler while we learned to draw trees. IF my junior high art teacher had been moonlighting as a lion tamer. Which doesn’t seem that far-fetched, in retrospect.

I think what makes this dress SO BAD is the fact that it was worn to look SO GOOD. I mean, Melissa Leo might’ve dressed like a magician, but at least she didn’t leave the house saying, “I look like a sex goddess.” And I can pretty much guarantee you that Cat Deeley thought she looked pretty sex goddessy when she looked in the mirror and pretended not to notice the weird, unflattering pointy hips and exposed muffin top (!) of this dress.