red carpet fashion recap | rosemary on the tv

Accurate portrayal of how I looked writing this fashion recap today.

Ah, the Emmys. NBC’s last ditch effort to show the world the charms of Seth Meyers. I love Seth, I do, but the jokes last night were like dad jokes from the nineties – a little corny, a little safe, VERY dated. So I’m not sure if making him the host will necessarily boost his ratings. What’s worse, Ricky Gervais, who has been a notorious past host, was maybe the funniest presenter of the night.

There weren’t many surprises: Breaking Bad won everything, Sarah Silverman was high, Julia Roberts never learned to walk properly in heels. One pleasant surprise, however, was that Cary Joji Fukunaga, the creator/director of True Detective, looks like this:

66th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Press Room

The only other pleasant surprise from last night was that the red carpet was about 85% good. Maybe I’m getting soft in my old age, but I was highly impressed with the amount of pretty I saw last night. Yes, Lena Dunham completely skewed my average (we’ll get to her later), but overall, I didn’t have a whole lot of complaining to do. So my apologies if this recap feels too nice. I’ll try to make up for it next time.

::rubs hands together like an evil villain::

Well, it’s official. I have a BIG, LESBIAN CRUSH on Lizzy Caplan, and you can put that in your Burn Book. And yes, I could fit at least seven more Mean Girls references in here, but I’ll just stop now and say what I’m thinking: she looks absolutely phenomenal.

WHO IS THIS AND WHY IS HER DRESS SO AMAZING?

No but seriously, who is this? I found the photo last night and now I can’t seem to track where it came from and I honestly don’t know who this person is.

Sarah Hyland’s really had a hard time of it on the red carpet. Basically her entire life. She’s always dressed matronly or cougar-y or just plain badly, so when I saw this, I just wanted to pinch her little cheeks and gift her an inscribed copy of “Oh The Places You’ll Go” and tear up when she walks across the stage, and put a bumper sticker on my car letting everyone know that my child is a Red Carpet Honor Roll student at Hollywood High.

This look was kind of crazy and I loved it. The styling was perfect – perfect shoes, perfect jewelry and purse – and an EXCELLENT call on hair and no necklace. Anything else would’ve competed with the dress.

So I didn’t know she was pregnant until I saw this photo. Isn’t she, like, fourteen years old? Either way, best I’ve ever seen her look on the red carpet!

Amy has my heart. Everything she did last night was perfection – from the moment Seth introduced her:

To when she introduced Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harralson by saying “Please welcome two gentlemen whose names are also items at marijuana dispensaries,” she is pretty much just nailing life right now. And her hair/dress combo were totally fab.

The cast of Orange is the New Black all looked fabulous – well, almost all (I’m looking at you, Prepon) – but Laverne Cox was the winner for me. The cape was perfection, and coming off the VMAs, where she looked like THIS, I’d say she wins for the weekend.

I couldn’t find a great photo of this look, but it so totally worked on her. It was swishy and modern and cool – much cooler than when she announced “The COLE-BORT Report” won then immediately rode her surfbort off stage.

Overall, this dress was a win for me. I’m not normally a fan of this shape, or this person, but she looks nice and if I tried to say otherwise, it would be my waist envy talking.

I was underwhelmed by this. I can’t put my finger on why. The cut was sort of boring. Like it’s just hanging on her, and she’s not really doing anything to sell it. She’s a human clothes hanger with a Christmas garland around her neck.

This is the only time in recent memory that Kristen Wiig didn’t wear something the color of panty hose to an awards show. It’s a vast improvement for her.

And now, a short interlude where we take a moment to remember these starlets who would’ve looked great had it not been for their bad hair. We’ll always remember you ladies!

Poor Zooey. She catches flack for always having the same bangs, but when she tries to grow them out, we hate. Her dress was perfect for her, but I think if she’s going to attempt a bangless existence, she’ll need to change something about the rest of her ‘do. That middle part is a little bit “Islands in the Stream”-era Dolly Parton, which ONLY works on Dolly Parton.

I love you, Mindy. But if me, you and Danny Castalano are ever going to succeed as a non-traditional family, you’re going to have to lose the Bump-it.

This dress was fabulous, but since no one else present at the Emmy’s had rained on hair, I imagine January Jones showed up under one of those personal pan Eeyore rain clouds.

It’s past time that Skrillex shaved head thing crawled back to the dark corner from which it came, and the only acceptable form of this haircut seen on red carpets anymore should be in the super awkward growing-out phase. But Kelly’s looks freshly shaved. And that’s disappointing.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

The cardinal rule of dressing is that you can’t mix orange and black together without looking like those nasty, wax-paper toffee candies that everyone throws away when they’re digging for the good Halloween candy.

Besides being the same sad color from head to toe, this looks like it was borrowed from the dressing room of a woman who used to be sexy sixty years ago and now clings to the Good Old Days as hard as her brittle hand bones will allow.

If you liked Amanda Peet’s dress, I’m sure my mom still has the McCall’s pattern for my 1994 Easter dress which looked almost identical to this.

Sarah Paulson either wore this monstrosity of a dress, or she wore a nice black dress and this perfectly timed photograph was taken just seconds after she spontaneously combusted.

Mayim Bialik has a Ph.D in Neuroscience, so if I knew anything about neuroscience, I’d make a neuroscience-related joke here. Something about brain failure. I don’t know, I’m feeling lazy. You do the rest.

And finally. Lena Dunham dressed as one of those Barbie doll toilet paper roll covers, only if Barbie had bad posture, no bra, and a habit for mouth breathing.

YOUR TURN! Who’d you love and who’d you hate?