rosemary on the tv

WHAT UP HATERS. It’s been a year. Did you miss me? Last night’s Golden Globes were a complete trainwreck, so what better time to resurrect the ol’ blog for a good old fashioned red carpet recap?

A refresher course for those of you who don’t remember last year’s GGs: Amy and Tina were rays of light as the hosts, and powerful speeches on equality were given by the likes of Patricia Arquette and Common.

 And this:

The evening’s biggest red carpet trend was cleavage. The second biggest trend was cleavage slathered in olive oil. Some of those girls were so slick, I was worried for the safety of nearby ducks and geese. With that, let’s dive right in to this oil spill of a red carpet, shall we?

My favorite dress of the evening belonged to Jenna Dewan-Tatum, wife to He of the Yukon Golds, Channing Potatum. This dress was not only incredibly gorgeous, the fit was perfect and the navy blue was the perfect color on her. Loved the simple hair and jewelry too.

Miss Golden Globe, which is essentially Hollywood’s version of debutantes and usually a title bestowed to a celebrity’s daughter, was Corinne Foxx. Her take on the to-the-belly-button deep V was so ethereal and lovely. One of my favorites.

Oh my god it’s so unjust that some people get to look like that AND have a British accent.

Laverne Cox continues to slay on the red carpet. This gown was gorgeous and the emerald earrings were the perfect accessory.

PSA: It took us more than 2000 years, but we finally realized you can put pockets on dresses. Life is good, we’re all happy about it. But if your dress has pockets, you ARE allowed to take your hands out of them.

*LOVE* this dress on her, though.

Julianne Moore’s red carpet history is spotty at best, but that’s only because she has never worn BLUE SEQUINS BEFORE. So rad.

Jaimie Alexander looked tops. The pattern is a little 1980s cruise ship but the colors are gorgeous. And that is the DEEPEST of V’s but it doesn’t feel X-rated like it might on, say, Kirsten Dunst…

“Why, Miss March, I thought your family were temperance people!”

Huge amounts of cleave aside, this dress was gorgeous.

Perfect hair and great dress, though not quite as great as Laverne Cox’s similar all-white look.

PROPS to Taraji, however, for handing out cookies on her way to the stage to accept her award. The whole “I didn’t expect to win so I didn’t prepare a speech” thing is so exhausting. Humility’s great, but sometimes it’s okay to be happy that you won a thing.

This dress was gorgeous but had some fit issues. Is the top too big? Does it weigh a million pounds? Is her posture bad? Is she hunching over or are her abs that amazing? Too many unanswered questions for it to be a favorite, but it came damn close.

I’d give this dress a rose even though I want to rip that lace piece off the top and give her a plunging neckline. Fun fact: Bryce Dallas Howard had to buy this dress off the rack at Neiman’s because designers only send you one dress option when you’re a size six, and if you don’t like it, you’re SOL.

YUP. ENJOY YOUR DINNER, LADIES.

Well folks, glad to see that after an entire year, Dior is still foisting J.Law into dresses that are too grown up for her. There’s nothing particularly offensive going on here, and that necklace is jaw-dropping, but combined with the matronly hair and dyed-to-match shoes, this look was a little too First Lady for me.

IN CAR PULLING INTO GOLDEN GLOBES:

Natalie Dormer: “Well, shit, my double sided tape isn’t sticking. How will I keep my dress up?!”

Natalie’s Assistant: “All I have in my purse is a paperclip, some dental floss and this back-up-for-emergencies-only black thong.”

Natalie: ::raises one eyebrow::

Amy Schumer may have a reputation for being disreputable, but I never expected her to fight a nun for her habit.

attends the 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 10, 2016 in Beverly Hills, California.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – JANUARY 10: Actress Alicia Vikander attends the 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards held at the Beverly Hilton Hotel on January 10, 2016 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

Wendy’s in the front, Little Debbie in the back, but I won’t hate too hard because those are two ladies who deal in delicious snacks.

The Marilyn look was fine but there’s something so weirdly inhuman about Lady Gaga, that it’s weird to see her standing next to a mortal. Stop dressing like a person, Queen of the Aliens. Go back to putting bacon on your face.

I will never see a yellow dress with red lipstick and not think Ronald McDonald. This look is proof that you CAN have too much of a good thing (and I don’t just mean spray tan *ahem*). Cape’s good, dress is good, accessories are great, hair and makeup on point, Angelina leg-jut fine whatever. But all together, it was just too much.

Weirdly twee…like she borrowed it from Zooey Deschanel. However, she and America Ferrara were perfect presenting together. Next year’s hosts?

Jane Fonda wearing vintage Pagliacci.

She was v. unamused at Johan Hill’s antics last night. Her date still can’t believe the spell he cast to bring coffee filters to life actually worked!

This dress is actually in remarkable shape for divers finding it among the wreckage of the Titanic.

Giuliana is beginning to look like someone who will come to collect your first born child if you make any sort of deal with her.

Cate Blanchett preparing for her role in the upcoming broadway production of “Annie Get Your My Little Pony.” This bitch is METHOD.

Katy Perry brought In-n-Out burgers for her table at the Golden Globes, as though this outfit wasn’t already trying too hard.

I can’t look at this without hearing Britney’s throaty oooooh yeahhhh from the opening bars of “Oops…I Did it Again.” Not a complete look without butterfly clips, and thus, Kate Hudson is my worst dressed.

That’s my take. Leave your best/worst picks in the comments!