rosemary on the tv

Welllllllll, the Emmys. I only caught a bit of red carpet coverage and the last few awards, but from what I’ve seen scouring the internet combined with what I saw last night, it seemed like a bit of a fashion snoozefest. But let’s cut to the chase, shall we?

Red was, for lack of a less cliche phrase, the color of the evening. I could go through all the red dresses I saw, but eventually you can’t tell what’s real and what’s your eyes bleeding. So I broke it down into three categories: The Good, The Bad, The Boring.

Nina Dobrev, I don’t know who you are but that red dress KILLS it. Beautiful lines, classic with just a touch of edginess.

Kerry Washington, I also don’t know who you are, but that Zuhair Murad dress was such a nice surprise in a sea of red satin. Loved how it went sheer in some parts at the bottom.

And Lea Michele always looks great on the red carpet. I don’t know if she has a stylist or just really good taste, but you can’t lose with Marchesa. Though, I will say, she was downgraded a tad when I saw the back of the dress. It had a kinda weird drapey thing.

Wrinkled satin and completely tired styles and cuts. All of these look like they could’ve be purchased from a bridal/pageant shoppe (extra emphasis on the “pe”).

There was really nothing wrong with these three dresses. They fit nicely, they were tasteful. That’s really all I can say about them.

I liked that Glee hotties Mark Salling and Darren Criss, as well as comedienne Rachel Harris all rocked a nerd chic look with glasses. I don’t even know what Rachel Harris is up to these days. I just thought they were all cute. Way to not take yourself too seriously, folks!

I caught a glimpse of Anna Faris on the red carpet, but had to search really hard for a photo of her today. Not sure why, because I love love love this dress. So current. The pattern is graphic, but monochromatic colors and a simple cut keeps it from feeling busy. And rather than washing her out, the gold tones look great with her pretty skin and hair.

I thought Parks and Rec’s Aubrey Plaza looked beautiful! I’ll admit, I was kinda surprised she’s capable of looking so Old Hollywood glam, but she totally pulled it off.

Can’t believe Kelly Osbourne is on my best dressed list, but she totally 100% is. This J.Mendel dress is KILLER. Heart. Love.

British accent? Check. Perfect Elie Saab midnight blue gown? Check. John Krasinski hubby arm candy? Check. What’s not to hate? I mean…love?

(Side note: If I ever were to attend a red carpet event in the dress of my choice, it would be Elie Saab.)

Wow. The best Julia Stiles has looked in awhile. My only beef with this dress – my one TINY little beef – is that the little knot that hits in the middle of her stomach looks like an outie belly button. It weirds me out a little.

OK, when I first saw this look, I immediately classified Lena Headey as the stereotype drama club/goth freak from just about every teen movie ever. But the more I see it, the more I love it. It’s different in a thumbs up sort of way.

Christine Baranski hit it out of the park in age-appropriate navy. Loved the white clutch with this dress as well.

For being, like, 12, I thought Sarah Hyland looked perfect. I loved the coral color of this dress. I loved the pleats and I especially loved the subtle rock’n’roll-meets-Grecian detailing around the waist and in the shoes and arm cuff. High five, girlfriend.

Did I miss the Goop email that said bare midriffs were back in style? If so, ignorance is bliss. I love Gwyneth with her cookbooks and Glee cameos, and the rest of her looked beautiful, but this dress just didn’t work for me.

I think Jayma Mays got confused and thought she was supposed to come to the Emmys in character. Because this dress is so totally Emma Pilsbury. Precious. Barf-inducing precious. Barf-inducing-then-scrub-it-off-the-red-carpet-with-yellow-dish-gloves- and- a- toothbrush precious.

Three words : Dubs. Tee. Eff. Before last night, I would’ve said it was impossible to make Pashma Lakshmi look so sad. But now? I’m questioning bringing children into a world where this can exist. (Note: hyperbole)

I’ve never seen Diana Agron look anything but perfect on the runway. She is the sole reason why women tend to hate 22-year-olds. And yet, here she is looking totally matronly and crumpled. If you’ve learned anything from these fashion recaps, remember this: NEVER WEAR SATIN ON THE RED CARPET. You will be wrinkled and floppy before you even make it into the building.

I have been SO impressed with Christian Siriano since he left Project Runway. But when I read that THIS was Christian Siriano, I let out a sad sigh. The colors are good. The individual pieces of the dress were ok. But the length was all wrong. Maybe if the skirt was longer – to the floor in back and slightly raised in the front? Maybe I just don’t know anything about anything anymore.

There are two reasons why this dress didn’t work for Christina Hendricks. And I’ll give you a hint: The slit didn’t bother me. But then again, there are two reasons why Christina Hendricks continuously fails on the runway. Owning your bod is one thing, flaunting it so heavily that I forget what your face looks like is just…..distracting.

Dear Zooey Deschanel, we get it. You’re precious. We love you for it (or in spite of it – whichever). But in the wise words of M’Lynn Eatenton, you look like you’ve been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol.

Disregard the three girls on the left. This isn’t about them. This is about Drew and what the HECK is going on with her dress?! A sleeveless turtleneck sweater, Drew? Really? Layered over a weird fuzzy mini skirt? REALLY DREW? I’m using all caps in the most patronizing voice possible and I HAVEN’T EVEN MADE IT TO THAT WEIRD SHEER THING THAT GOES TO THE FLOOR. There’s no sarcasm left in me to address your goofy smile and too tight ponytail, so I’ll just stop here.

I’ve loved Melissa McCarthy since the first time I met Sookie St. James. I understand that finding dresses for bigger body types can be hard (but not impossible, as Amber Riley has proved numerous times). But those shoulder pads hurt my heart. This was so unflattering on her. Thank goodness she won something, because she didn’t win this.

Beam her up, Scotty. Julianna Margulies is ready to accept her Emmy aboard the Starship Enterprise. Seriously. A hot glue gun during craft time and she’s got the perfect souvenir from Summer Camp 2093.

I want to laugh at how awful this dress is, but I can’t. It’s almost as un-funny as Olivia Munn. (OHHH ZING!)

Thanks to whoever this is for recognizing that bloggers need SOMEONE to make fun of the day after.

Funny thing: The less famous you are, the less comfortable I am making fun of you. So being credited as “Michael Pitt and guest” pretty much guarantees immunity. Let me just say this: If these two invited you to their after party, whatever you do, don’t go. Yikes.

And that’s my take. What did you think? Who was your favorite? Least favorite?